• Roses For Girlfriend!

    I boarded the train and took my seat. The seat next to me was empty, but not for long. A young mother boarded with her 5-year- old daughter and Mom sat down in the seat beside me. I offered my seat to the little girl but Mom said no, she'd sit the young one on her lap. So here I am holding my roses, now with a little lady straining to see what I was holding.

    "What ya got, mister?" she asked.
    (Mom is getting a bit flustered and tells her to mind her own business.)

    I leaned the "package" over a bit and she looks and says loudly, "Ohhhh, ROSES!, who are they for?"
    (Now, Mom is embarrassed and tapping her on the rear telling her to sit down.)

    I said, "They're for my girlfriend."

    She says again with a loud voice, "WOW, pretty RED ones, and a lot of them, too! Man, you really must have fucked up!"

    Needless to say, nearly everyone on the train was in stitches, except Mom who was now trying to crawl between the seats!
  • Grandma vs Grandpa

    Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers? Well, here it is:

    There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 7-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- just him and his granddaughter.

    One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for the drive.

    When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed.

    "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked.

    ""Oh, yes, it was really wonderful. We didn't see a single a$$hole, blind bastard, dipshit or son of a bitch anywhere we went!"
  • How to Get into Heaven

    The teacher asked the children in the Sunday School class, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into Heaven?"

    "NO!" the children all answered.

    "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into Heaven?"

    Again, the answer was, "NO!"

    "Well," the teacher continued, "then how can I get to Heaven?" In the back of the room, a 5 year old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead."
  • Unruly Child

    Unruly Child A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled against his father. He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced, "I'm running away from home!"

    The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically. "What if you get hungry?" he said.

    "Then I'll come home and eat!" bravely declared the child.

    "And what if you run out of money?"

    "I will come home and get some!", readily replied the child.

    The man then made a final attempt, "What if your clothes get dirty?"

    "Then I'll come home and let mommy wash them," was the reply.

    The man shook his head and exclaimed, "This kid is not running away from home, he's going off to college!!!"