• Why God Made Moms?

    Answers given by 2nd grade children to the following questions:

    Why did God make mothers?
    1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
    2. Mostly to clean the house.
    3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

    How did God make mothers?
    1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
    2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
    3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He Just used bigger parts.

    What ingredients are mothers made of?
    1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
    2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

    Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
    1. We're related.
    2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

    What kind of little girl was your mom?
    1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
    2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
    3. They say she used to be nice.

    What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
    1. His last name.
    2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
    3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

    Why did your Mom marry your dad?
    1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats alot.
    2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
    3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

    Who's the boss at your house?
    1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
    2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
    3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

    What's the difference between moms and dads?
    1. Moms work at work and work at home, & dads just go to work at work.
    2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
    3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
    4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

    What does your Mom do in her spare time?
    1. Mothers don't do spare time.
    2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

    What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
    1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
    2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

    If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
    1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
    2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
    3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her back of her head.
  • Four Animals

    A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"

    A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals, just like my Mom always says."

    The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be?"

    The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for all of it!"

    The teacher fainted!!
  • The New Librarian

    The new librarian decided that instead of checking out children's books by writing the names of borrowers on the book cards herself, she would have the youngsters sign their own names. She would then tell them they were signing a "Contract" for returning the books on time.

    Her first customer was a second grader, who looked surprised to see a new librarian. He brought four books to the desk and shoved them across to the librarian, giving her his name as he did so.

    The librarian pushed the books back and told him to sign them out. The boy laboriously printed his name on each book card and then handed them to her with a look of utter disgust.

    Before the librarian could even start her speech he said, scornfully, "That other librarian we had could write."
  • Red Roses

    I boarded the train and took my seat. The seat next to me was empty, but not for long. A mother boarded with her 5-year-old daughter sat down in the seat beside me. I offered my seat to the little girl but Mom said no, she'd sit the young one on her lap.

    So here I am holding my roses, now with a little lady straining to see what I was holding.

    "What ya got, mister?" she asked.
    (Mom is getting a bit flustered and tells her to mind her business.)

    I leaned the "package" over a bit and she looks and says loudly, "Ohhhh, ROSES!, who are they for?"
    (Now, Mom is embarrassed and tapping her on the rear telling her to sit down.)

    I said, "They're for my girlfriend."

    She says again with a loud voice, "WOW, pretty RED ones, and a lot of them, too! Man, you really must have f***ed up!"

    Needless to say, nearly everyone on the train was in stitches, except her Mom, who was now desperately trying to assume an innocent shade of invisible.
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