• Family Planning Lesson

    Annie, 6 years old, gets home from school. She had her first family planning lesson at school.

    Her mother, very interested, asks, How did it go?"

    "I nearly died of shame!" She answers!

    "Why?" Her Mother asked.

    Annie said, "Kate from down the road, says that the stork brings babies.
    Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage.
    Pete in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital."

    Her mother answers laughingly, "But that's no reason to be ashamed?"

    "No... well that's how I felt when I had to tell them that we were so poor.... that you and daddy had to make me yourselves!"
  • God's Getting Better

    A little girl was sitting next to her grandfather as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up and touch his wrinkled cheek. She touched her own cheek after she touched his.

    After a little while of thinking she asked, "Grandpa, did God make you?"

    He looked at her and said, "Yes, sweetheart God made me a long time ago."

    She paused for a few seconds and then asked, "Grandpa, did God make me too?"

    He replied, "Yes, indeed pumpkin, God made you just a little while ago."

    Feeling their respective faces again, she whispered to him, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?"
  • Hilarious Test Answers

    The following are all quotes collected from the science exams of elementary school students:

    Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

    Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother.

    Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state.

    When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire.

    Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.

    The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.

    The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

    Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.

    Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.

    Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.

    A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.

    Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.

    We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

    To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up.

    I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.
  • Why God Made Moms?

    Answers given by 2nd grade children to the following questions:

    Why did God make mothers?
    1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
    2. Mostly to clean the house.
    3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

    How did God make mothers?
    1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
    2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
    3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He Just used bigger parts.

    What ingredients are mothers made of?
    1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
    2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

    Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
    1. We're related.
    2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

    What kind of little girl was your mom?
    1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
    2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
    3. They say she used to be nice.

    What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
    1. His last name.
    2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
    3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

    Why did your Mom marry your dad?
    1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats alot.
    2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
    3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

    Who's the boss at your house?
    1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
    2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
    3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

    What's the difference between moms and dads?
    1. Moms work at work and work at home, & dads just go to work at work.
    2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
    3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
    4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

    What does your Mom do in her spare time?
    1. Mothers don't do spare time.
    2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

    What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
    1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
    2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

    If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
    1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
    2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
    3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her back of her head.
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