• Four Animals

    A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"

    A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals, just like my Mom always says."

    The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be?"

    The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for all of it!"

    The teacher fainted!!
  • The New Librarian

    The new librarian decided that instead of checking out children's books by writing the names of borrowers on the book cards herself, she would have the youngsters sign their own names. She would then tell them they were signing a "Contract" for returning the books on time.

    Her first customer was a second grader, who looked surprised to see a new librarian. He brought four books to the desk and shoved them across to the librarian, giving her his name as he did so.

    The librarian pushed the books back and told him to sign them out. The boy laboriously printed his name on each book card and then handed them to her with a look of utter disgust.

    Before the librarian could even start her speech he said, scornfully, "That other librarian we had could write."
  • Red Roses

    I boarded the train and took my seat. The seat next to me was empty, but not for long. A mother boarded with her 5-year-old daughter sat down in the seat beside me. I offered my seat to the little girl but Mom said no, she'd sit the young one on her lap.

    So here I am holding my roses, now with a little lady straining to see what I was holding.

    "What ya got, mister?" she asked.
    (Mom is getting a bit flustered and tells her to mind her business.)

    I leaned the "package" over a bit and she looks and says loudly, "Ohhhh, ROSES!, who are they for?"
    (Now, Mom is embarrassed and tapping her on the rear telling her to sit down.)

    I said, "They're for my girlfriend."

    She says again with a loud voice, "WOW, pretty RED ones, and a lot of them, too! Man, you really must have f***ed up!"

    Needless to say, nearly everyone on the train was in stitches, except her Mom, who was now desperately trying to assume an innocent shade of invisible.
  • A Little Cup of 'Tea'

    There was a family with one kid, Suzie. One day the mother was out and dad was in charge of Suzie, who just turned three.

    Someone had given her a little 'tea set' as a birthday gift and it was one of her favorite toys.

    Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when Suzie brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. He praised her good "cooking," so she brought him more.

    After several cups of tea and lots of praise from father for such yummy tea, Mom came home.

    "Honey, watch this," said Dad and had her wait in the living room as Suzie brought him another cup of tea.

    Mom waited, and sure enough, Suzie comes down the hall with another cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up. "Isn't she just the cutest?"

    Mom waited until he had polished off yet another cup of 'tea' before asking, "Did you ever think that the only place a baby can get water is the toilet?!"
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