• Back to School Science

    The following are actual submissions on a series of quizzes, tests, and essays.

    "Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state."

    "H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."

    "To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube."

    "When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide."

    "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."

    "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."

    "Blood flows down one leg and up the other."

    "Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."

    "The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."

    "Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."

    "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."

    "A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."

    "The body consists of three parts - the branium, the borax, and the abominable cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."

    "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."

    "The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects."

    "The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."
  • Do It Again!!!

    After tucking their three-year-old child Sammy in for bed one night, his parents heard sobbing coming from his room. Rushing back in, they found him crying hysterically.

    He managed to tell them that he had swallowed a penny and he was sure he was going to die.

    No amount of talking was helping. His father, in an attempt to calm him down, palmed a penny from his pocket and pretended to pull it from Sammy's ear. Sammy was delighted.

    In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed it, then cheerfully demanded, "Do it again, Daddy, do it again!!!"
  • Name That Baby

    When Donna found out she was pregnant, she told the good news to anyone who would listen.

    But her 4-year-old son overheard some of his parents' private conversations.

    One day when Donna and her 4-year-old were shopping a woman asked the little boy if he was excited about the new baby.

    "Yes!" the 4-year-old said, "and I know what we are going to name it, too. If it's a girl we're going to call her Christina, and if it's another boy we're going to call it quits!"
  • How To Get Into Heaven

    I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

    I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven"?

    "NO"! the children answered.

    "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"

    Again, the answer was, "NO!!!"

    By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun!

    "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?"

    Again, they all answered, "NO!!!"

    I was just bursting with pride for them. Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven???"

    A six-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE FRICKIN' DEAD!"
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