• Safe Sex in Olden Times

    A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day. While fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have changed. The young man picks up on this and starts talking about the various problems and diseases going around.

    Teen says, "Grandpa, they didn't have a whole lot of problems with all these diseases when you were young did they?"

    Grandpa replies, "Nope."

    Teen says, "Well, what did you guys use for safe sex?"

    Grandpa replies, "A wedding ring."
  • Show & Tell

    Show & Tell
    The teacher asked the students to bring one electrical appliance for "Show & Tell," and the next day every kid had something.

    The teacher asks Anna: What did you bring?

    "I brought a Walkman."

    "And what is it for?"

    "You can listen to music with it!"

    "That's nice. What did you bring Maria?"

    "I brought a can opener, it opens cans!"

    "Well done. Umm, Johnny, I see you didn't bring anything!"

    "Yes, I did. It's in the hall."

    So the entire class goes into the hallway.

    "Umm, Johnny, what is that?"

    "It's a heart / lung machine hospitals use to keep your heart going."

    "Whoa. What did your father say about you bringing this?"

    "He said, 'AAAARRRGGGH!!!'"
  • Crushed Nuts?

    Crushed Nuts?
    A kid walks into an ice cream store and when he steps up to the counter the owner asks him what he wants.

    The kid just stares and looks around with a glazed expression on his face and doesn't say anything. Finally the owner realizing that this kid isn't all there decides to point to certain items. He points to the vanilla ice cream and asks the boy if he would like vanilla. The boy's body shakes, and then he nods his head and points to the vanilla.

    "Okay," said the owner, "how about a cup for your ice cream?" as he points to the cups.

    The boy shakes some more, nods and points at the cups.

    So the owner goes on..."caramel sauce?"

    The boy again shakes, nods, and points and the jar of caramel sauce.

    "Some whipped cream?"

    Again the boy shakes, nods and points to the whipped cream can.

    "A red cherry on top?" as he points to the cherries in a container.

    The boy shakes, nods, and points at the cherries.

    Finally the owner says, "Crushed nuts?"

    "No, cerebral palsy."
  • Shocking letter

    A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter over the bed.With the worst premonition, she reads it, with trembling hands:

    It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I eloped with my new boyfriend. I found real passion and he is so nice, with all his piercing and tattoos and his big motorcycle. But it is not only that mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams. I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasies we may want. In the meantime, we'll pray for the science to find the AIDS cure, for Ahmed to get better, he deserves it. Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'll visit for you to know your grandchildren.

    Your daughter, Judith

    PS: Mom, it's not true. I'm at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than the school's report card that's in my desk drawer...I love you!