|"If I sold my house, my car and had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" Robert asked the children in a school class.|
"NO!" the children all answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, the answer was, "NO!
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?" Robert asked them again.
Again, they all answered, "NO!"
"Well," Robert continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"
|Little Johnny was walking along the railroad tracks when suddenly he got his foot caught under one of the railroad ties. He tried to get it out but it was really stuck. As he struggled to free his foot, he heard a noise and turned around. To his horror he saw a train coming.|
Panicked he started to pray, "God, please get my foot out of these tracks and I'll stop being bad!"
Nothing happened, his foot was still stuck. He looked up to see the train getting closer!
He prayed again, "God, please get my foot out and I'll stop swearing AND being bad!"
Still nothing his foot was wedged tight. The train was just seconds away! Little Johnny struggled frantically as the train's horn blared.
He tried his plea one more time, "God, please, if you get my foot out of the tracks, I'll quit being bad, I'll stop swearing, AND I'll stop trying to look up little Mary's dress."
Just as the train was about to hit Johnny, his foot broke free and he fell backwards, the train narrowly missing him.
He got up, dusted himself off, looked toward Heaven and said, "Thanks anyway God, I got it myself."
|A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible.|
He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Mama, look what I found", the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?"
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
|A stranger was seated next to Little Johnnie on the plane when the stranger turned to the boy and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."|
Little Johnnie, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said Little Johnnie. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pelleile a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said Little Johnnie, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"