• American Customs!!!

    A China-man decides to retire and move to USA after 50 years of living in Shanghai. He bought a home on a small piece of land.

    A few days after moving in the friendly American neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region. He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the China-man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens. Not wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese customs', he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

    The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and see the China-man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another 'Chinese custom', he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.

    A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the China-man leading a bull down the drive-way, ...pause..., and then put his left ear next to the bull's butt.

    The American bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the China-man and says, "Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's butt, it could just about shit on you."

    The China man is very taken back and says, "Sorry sir, you no understand, these no Chinese customs. I doing, these American Customs." "What do you mean?" says the neighbour, "Those aren't American customs."

    Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me' replied the China-man, "He say to become true American, I must learn to... chase chicks, ... get piss drunk, and ... listen to bull-shit.
  • A Violent Crime?

    A Jew gets pulled over for speeding.

    Jew: Is there a problem, officer?

    Officer: Sir, you were speeding.

    Jew: Oh, I see.

    Officer: Can I see y our license please?

    Jew: I would give it to you but I don't have one.

    Officer: Don't have one?

    Jew: Lost it four years ago for drunk driving.

    Officer: I see... Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

    Jew: I can't do that.

    Officer: Why not?

    Jew: I stole this car.

    Officer: Stole it?

    Jew: Yes, and I killed the owner.

    Officer: You what?

    Jew: Killed the owner, I had to self defense otherwise he would call the police and I would be in jail.

    The Officer looks at the Jew and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes five police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

    Senior Officer: Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please! The Jew steps out of the vehicle.

    Jew: Is there a problem sir?

    Senior Officer: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and killed the owner.

    Jew: Killed the owner?

    Senior Officer: Is this your car, sir?

    Jew: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

    Senior Officer: One of my officers claims that you don't have a driving license.

    The Jew digs into his pocket takes out his license and hands it to the officer.

    The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

    Senior Officer: Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you killed the owner.

    Jew: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
  • The Bragging Texan

    I recently had a visitor from the state of Texas. For three days all I heard from him was, "In Texas we have the best this, the largest that, the fastest that," etc. It eventually became very annoying.

    I am from Niagara Falls and I thought I could outdo him by showing him the Magnificent Niagara, knowing there was nothing in Texas that could compare to this Wonder of Water & Power.

    While standing at the brink watching millions of gallons of water rushing over, I noticed the look of awe in his eyes. It was then I asked him, "Do you have anything like this in Texas?"

    He waited a moment before he answered, "No, but we have a plumber that could fix it."
  • What's Tanjooberrymutts?

    By the time you read through this you will understand TANJOOBERRYMUTTS and then you will be ready to take on China! Believe me... you WILL understand!!! The following is a telephonic exchange between maybe you as a Hotel guest & room-service in China...

    Room Service: Morrin. Roon sirbees.

    Guest: Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service.

    Room Service: Rye , Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen?

    Guest: Uh... Yes, I'd like to order bacon & eggs.

    Room Service: Ow ulai den?

    Guest: .....What??

    Room Service: Ow ulai den?!?... Pryed, boyud, pochd?

    Guest: Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. Scrambled, please.

    Room Service: Ow ulai dee bayken? Creepse?

    Guest: Crisp will be fine.

    Room Service: Hokay. An sahn toes?

    Guest: What?

    Room Service: An toes. ulai sahn toes?

    Guest: I.... Don't think so...
    RoomService: No? Udo wan sahn toes???

    Guest: I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'udo wan sahn toes' means.

    RoomService: Toes! Toes!... Why Uoo don wan toes?... Ow bow anglish moppin we botter?

    Guest: Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine... Yes, an English muffin will be fine.

    RoomService: We botter?

    Guest: No, just put the botter on the side.

    RoomService: Wad?!?

    Guest: I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side.

    RoomService: Copy?

    Guest: Excuse me?

    RoomService: Copy.. tea... meel?

    Guest: Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything.

    RoomService: One Minnie. Scramah egg, creepse bayken, Anglish moppin, we botter on sigh & copy... Rye ??

    Guest: Whatever you say.

    RoomService: Tanjooberrymutts.

    Guest: You're welcome

    Remember I did say By the time you read through this... ...YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TANJOOBERRYMUTTS'
    And you do now, don't you!
ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT