• Retired Gujaritis

    Four retired guys are walking down a street in London. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, Old Timers Bar - ALL DRINKS 10p. They look at each other and then go in, thinking, this is too good to be true.

    The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?"

    There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a pint of bitter. In no time the bartender serves up four frothing pints of bitter, and says, "That'll be 10p each, please."

    The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40p, finish their pints, and order another round.

    Again, four excellent pints are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40p, please."

    They pay the 40p, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two pints and haven't even spent a 1 Pound yet.

    Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve a pint of bitter as good as this for a 10p a piece?"

    "I'm a retired tailor," the bartender says, and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for Pound 25 Million Pounds and decided to open this place. Every drink costs 10p. wine, liquor, beer; it's all the same."

    "Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.

    As the four of them sip at their pints of beer, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.

    Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, "What's with them?"

    The bartender says, "They're retired Gujaratis from Wembley.... They're waiting for Happy Hour......... when drinks are half-price!!!"
  • A Sports Mechanic?

    Big Lorenzo, an Italian fella, is bragging to his friends about his sons.

    "I'ma so prouda my oldest son. He maka fifty thousand dollar evra year. Hesa Engineer!"

    "I even more prouda ma second son. He maka five hundred thousand dollar a year. Hesa Doctor!"

    "But, I'ma da proudest a ma youngest son. He maka Five million dollar a year. Hesa Sports Mechanic!"

    Paolo, his friend asks, "What's a Sports Mechanic?"

    Lorenzo replies, "Wella, he can fixa everytin. He fixa da horseraces, he fixa da football games he fixa da boxin matcha..."
  • The Indian Chief

    An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two US government officials sent to interview him.

    "Chief Two Eagles," asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his material wealth. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

    The chief nodded that it was so.

    The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

    The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work, medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having fun."

    Then the chief leaned back and said, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that!"
  • Ask a Bong!

    Ask a Bong about life in general, and he would break into a sentimental rhapsody...
    In nineteen sebenty phibe, howen I owaas seben eaars old, I owaas chased by a beeg stray dog, and I litarally ran across da Howrah Breej in fipteen sekends. I think I ran phastaar than Carl Leewis! Had tha gobharment chosen me phor 100 mitaar race in Olimpic, I would hab brought a Gold Medel phor Bharot!

    Ask a Bong if he smokes or drinks...
    Smoking? Only waan packet paar day. Uills Classic. Modira? O... I am bhery selectib about drinks. I prephaar only Old Monk Raam or Tich-arse Choice huiski. Naathing else. No beer teer or bhodka phodka. And waan peg only bephore dinnar. Aare Robithakur himselp wrote about huiski.
    Deshe onnojoler holo ghor onoton.... Dhoro huiski soda aar moorgi moton! Hahahaha.
    You know... littil bit of drinking is actuaali good for haart! And shaala my wife daas not allau me to drink more. Bheri alaart..... hahahahaha!!!

    Enquire about his passions...
    Phutball. I laabh phutball. Mohon Bagan. I jaast laabh their green and howite outphit! Howen I waas in college, I played phor their B team. And then shaala I got married...that ruined my dreem of playing phor Mohon Bagan. And cricket?...Cricket is jaast hopeless. No team ephort! Ebhrybody wants to do adbhartisement!!!

    And on fidelity...
    It is bhery important to be phaithphul in marriage. We hab so meny phimale colleagues. Iit is so easy to be dibharted! Baat, you maast show discipline eour selph. So, my rule of thaamb is - abhoid eye contact. All contacts begin uith eye contact. So, when you are talking to a phimale colleague, don't ebhaar look into the eyes... look elsewhare... I mean look aaway.

    And finally, whom does he actually admire...
    Mai-kell Jaksaan (aha-bechaara), Ronaaldino, Maradona, Ko-peel Deb, Maadhuri, Omitabb, Shourob, Shochin, Mollika Sheraoaat (uff), Mondira Bedi, Bhibh Richaard, Shakira (ufff...mairee!), Aambani, Bipasha, and meny more... shob shalaar naam ki mone thakey!
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