|An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman went on a mountain-climbing expedition together. Everything was going fine until one day, while they were walking along a narrow ledge, an avalanche ripped away the ledge on each side of them.|
As they stood there wondering what to do, with the freezing night closing in, there was a strange shimmering in the air and a good fairy appeared, floating in front of them. She raised her wand and declared that, as they had all been good and the expedition was sponsored for charity and so forth, she was to rescue them from their terrible plight. Each of them could wish to be transformed into any bird of their choice in order to get safely off the mountain, and would return to their normal form once they reached home. She turned first to the Englishman and asked what he wanted to be.
"A swan," he replied, and a beautiful white swan replaced him. Stepping off the ledge, it spread its wings and flew off for England.
The fairy turned to the Scotsman, who immediately and proudly chose a golden eagle, which he became. With a magnificent swoop, he launched from the ledge and soared away, glorying in the freedom of flight as he returned home.
The Irishman watched the two birds disappearing into the distance from the ledge as the fairy turned to him. "And what bird do you choose?" she asked.
He thought, and mused, then said, "A penguin."
|Paddy was the most intelligent man in Ireland. He was the president of the Irish branch of Mensa and he had won a million pounds on Who wants to be a Millionaire, and was Professor of astrophysics at the Paddy Institute of Technology.|
One day, he was in the pub and his mates were telling him that he should appear on Mastermind, the quiz where the most intelligent men on the planet, show their superior brainpower. So he filled in the forms and sure enough was called up, and over to London he went to appear on the show.
The moment came when he was called up to the chair, to be questioned.
"Paddy, what is your specialist subject?"
"Paddy your minute starts now. Who was the leader of the Irish Revolution?"
"In what year was the revolution?"
"How many men died during the Easter Revolution?"
"What was the name of the British informer who helped the rebels?"
All of a sudden his friend stood up in the audience and roared, "Good man Paddy, tell the fu**ing English nothing."
|A man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is different hell for each country and decides he'll pick the least painful to spend his eternity.|
He goes to American hell and asks, "What do they do here?"
He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the American devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day".
The man does not like the sound of that at all so he moves on. He checks out the Australian hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all similar to the American hell.
Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in.
Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?"
He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour, then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. The Indian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
But that is exactly the same as all the other hells why are there so many people waiting to get in?" asked the man.
"Because there is never any electricity so the electric chair does not work. The nails were paid for but never supplied, so the bed is comfortable to sleep on. And the Indian devil used to be a civil servant, so he comes in, signs his time sheet and goes back home for private business."
|A Texan went up to the airline check-in counter and boomed, "Howdy, ma'am. My name's Brown, spelled B-R-O-W-N. Ah'm from Dallas, Texas. Ah'm 6-foot 3-inches tall. Ah'm white from th' top of mah head to th' tip of mah toes, and I hate the Irish."|
Well, she didn't know what else to do, so she took his ticket and showed him onto the plane.
He sat down in his seat, and turned to the fellow next to him, "Howdy, suh. My name's Brown, spelled B-R-O-W-N. Ah'm from Dallas, Texas. Ah'm 6-foot 3-inches tall. Ah'm white from th' top of mah head to th' tip of mah toes, and I hate the Irish."
The little fellow turned to him, "Well now, how d'ye do. My name is Patrick Michael O'Donnell. I'm from Dublin, Ireland. I'm 5-foot 6- inches tall, and I'm white from the top o' me head to the tip o' me toes, except for my rectum, which is brown. Spelled B-R-O-W-N."