• Olympic Athletes

    An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were trying to get in to see the Olympics without tickets. So they got to the stadium during one of the main events and discussed how they would be able to attend without paying.

    The Englishman walked around the stadium and saw a pole lying on the ground and picked it up. He walked to the entrance and said, "Peter. England. Pole throwing."

    The guards let him in without hesitation.

    While walking, the Scotsman sees a manhole. He picks up the cover, carries it under his arm to the entrance and says, "McGregor. Scotland. Discus throwing."

    The guards let him in also.

    The Irishman is very frantic, since both his friends are now inside. He walks around the stadium and finds a roll of barbed wire. He picks it up, walks to the entrance and says, "Murphy... Ireland... Fencing."
  • Sugar Tongs

    Lady Crofton-Smythe was giving an upper-crust party, and had hired Lena, a girl recently come to London from County Cork, as a maid.

    As Lena was setting up the tea service, Lady C-S told her to be certain that there were sugar tongs available. Lena had never heard of sugar tongs, and asked the Lady what they were and why they were used.

    Lady C-S, always happy to Enlighten the Unenlightened, told Lena that the problem lay with the gentlemen, who would go to the loo, and to do what they needed to do, had to touch things which were less than acceptably sanitary. Yes, even the Nobility was subject to this masculine frailty.

    "Sure, Ma'am, 'twas nothing like this Oi ever saw in Ireland," Lena said, impressed.

    "Well, the Irish will learn manners someday, Lena," said the Lady, with an instinctive lifting of her nose.

    After the guests had begun arriving that evening, Lady C-S was dismayed and infuriated not to see any sugar tongs on the tea service. Lena, trembling, came quickly in answer to the Lady's angry shout.

    "But... but, m'Lady, sure, an' Oi put the tongs out just as you told me to."

    Her furious employer pointed to the tea table, devoid of tongs. "Then where are they, young woman?"

    "Why, they're in the loo, of course."
  • Be Careful What You Wish For

    Two Irishmen, adrift in a lifeboat in the middle of the ocean, spied a lamp floating nearby. They retrieved it, and, hoping against hope, rubbed it. Sure enough, a genie appeared.

    "I will grant you one wish," said the genie.

    "One? What about three?"

    "One or none; take it or leave it!"

    Without thinking, Pat blurted out, "Turn the ocean into Guinness!"

    The genie clapped his hands as he disappeared and the entire sea turned into Guinness. As the beer lapped gently against the hull, Mike looked disgusted.

    "Dammit, Pat... Ya shoulda thought ahead. Now we're going to have to pee in the damned boat!"
  • Painless Tooth Removal

    A Sindhi went to a dentist for tooth extraction and first enquired about cost.

    Dentist said it's 1200 per extraction. The Sindhi thought it was too much and asked about cheaper methods.

    The dentist said: Yes, it can be done without anesthesia and will cost only Rs. 300, but it would be very very painful.

    Sindhi said: Ok Doctor, do it without anesthesia.

    The dentist removed the tooth without anesthesia and during the entire procedure the Sindhi sat quietly, even smiling a little.

    The dentist was not only surprised but was quite impressed and said: I have never seen such a brave patient like you. I don't even want my fees, here, instead take this Rs. 500 as a reward, you've taught me such a powerful lesson today about mastering one's pain and feelings !!!

    In the evening he met his fellow dentists and told everyone about his amazing Sindhi patient. Out of all doctors, one doctor jumped up and shouted: That rascal Sindhi first came to me... I gave him anesthesia and asked him to wait outside for half an hour ! After half an hour when I called him he had left !!!!