• A Violent Crime?

    A Jew gets pulled over for speeding.

    Jew: Is there a problem, officer?

    Officer: Sir, you were speeding.

    Jew: Oh, I see.

    Officer: Can I see y our license please?

    Jew: I would give it to you but I don't have one.

    Officer: Don't have one?

    Jew: Lost it four years ago for drunk driving.

    Officer: I see... Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

    Jew: I can't do that.

    Officer: Why not?

    Jew: I stole this car.

    Officer: Stole it?

    Jew: Yes, and I killed the owner.

    Officer: You what?

    Jew: Killed the owner, I had to self defense otherwise he would call the police and I would be in jail.

    The Officer looks at the Jew and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes five police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

    Senior Officer: Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please! The Jew steps out of the vehicle.

    Jew: Is there a problem sir?

    Senior Officer: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and killed the owner.

    Jew: Killed the owner?

    Senior Officer: Is this your car, sir?

    Jew: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

    Senior Officer: One of my officers claims that you don't have a driving license.

    The Jew digs into his pocket takes out his license and hands it to the officer.

    The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

    Senior Officer: Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you killed the owner.

    Jew: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
  • The Bragging Texan

    I recently had a visitor from the state of Texas. For three days all I heard from him was, "In Texas we have the best this, the largest that, the fastest that," etc. It eventually became very annoying.

    I am from Niagara Falls and I thought I could outdo him by showing him the Magnificent Niagara, knowing there was nothing in Texas that could compare to this Wonder of Water & Power.

    While standing at the brink watching millions of gallons of water rushing over, I noticed the look of awe in his eyes. It was then I asked him, "Do you have anything like this in Texas?"

    He waited a moment before he answered, "No, but we have a plumber that could fix it."
  • What's Tanjooberrymutts?

    By the time you read through this you will understand TANJOOBERRYMUTTS and then you will be ready to take on China! Believe me... you WILL understand!!! The following is a telephonic exchange between maybe you as a Hotel guest & room-service in China...

    Room Service: Morrin. Roon sirbees.

    Guest: Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service.

    Room Service: Rye , Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen?

    Guest: Uh... Yes, I'd like to order bacon & eggs.

    Room Service: Ow ulai den?

    Guest: .....What??

    Room Service: Ow ulai den?!?... Pryed, boyud, pochd?

    Guest: Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. Scrambled, please.

    Room Service: Ow ulai dee bayken? Creepse?

    Guest: Crisp will be fine.

    Room Service: Hokay. An sahn toes?

    Guest: What?

    Room Service: An toes. ulai sahn toes?

    Guest: I.... Don't think so...
    RoomService: No? Udo wan sahn toes???

    Guest: I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'udo wan sahn toes' means.

    RoomService: Toes! Toes!... Why Uoo don wan toes?... Ow bow anglish moppin we botter?

    Guest: Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine... Yes, an English muffin will be fine.

    RoomService: We botter?

    Guest: No, just put the botter on the side.

    RoomService: Wad?!?

    Guest: I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side.

    RoomService: Copy?

    Guest: Excuse me?

    RoomService: Copy.. tea... meel?

    Guest: Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything.

    RoomService: One Minnie. Scramah egg, creepse bayken, Anglish moppin, we botter on sigh & copy... Rye ??

    Guest: Whatever you say.

    RoomService: Tanjooberrymutts.

    Guest: You're welcome

    Remember I did say By the time you read through this... ...YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TANJOOBERRYMUTTS'
    And you do now, don't you!
  • How to Annoy a Bong...

    A is for Apish (Office). This is where the average Kolkatan goes and spends a day hard(ly) at work. If he is in the Government he will arrive at 10, wipe his forehead till 11, have a tea break at 12, throw around a few files at 12.30, break for lunch at 1, smoke an unfiltered cigarette at 2, break for tea at 3, sleep sitting down at 4 and go home at 5. It's a hard life!

    B is for Bhijon. (As in teli-bhijon) For some reason most of the Bengalis don't have good bhijon. In fact in Kolkata most people are wearing spectacles all the time. The effects of this show in the city.

    C is for Chappell. This is the Bengali word for the Devil, for the worst form of evil. In the night mothers put their kids to sleep saying 'go to bed, or Chappell will come and take you away.'

    D is for Debashish. By an ancient law every fourth Bengali Child has to be named Debashish. So you have a Debashish everywhere and trying to get creative they are also called Deb, Debu, Deba with variations like Debnath and Deboprotim thrown in.

    E is for Eeesh. This is a very common Bengali exclamation made famous by Aishwarya Rai in the movie Devdas. It is estimated that on an average a Bengali uses eeesh 10,089 times every year. (That's counting eeesh and other eeesh-ish words).

    F is for Feesh. These are creatures that swim in rivers and seas and are a favourite food of the Bengalis. Despite the fact that a fish market has such strong smells, with one sniff a Bengali knows if a fish is all right. If not, he will say 'eeesh, what feeesh is theeesh!'

    G is for Good name. Every Bengali Boy will have a good name like Debashish or Deboprotim and a pet name like Shontuda, Chonti, and Dinku. While every Bengali Girl will be Paromita or Protima as well as Shampa, Champa and Buri. Basically your nickname is there to kill your good name.

    H is for Harmonium. The Bengali equivalent of a rock guitar. Take four Bengalis and a Harmonium and you have the successors to The Bheatles!

    I is for lleesh. This is a feeesh with 10,000 bones which would kill any ordinary person, but which the Bengalis eat with releeesh!

    J is for Jhola. No self respecting Bengali is complete without his Jhola. It is a shapeless cloth bag where he keeps all his belongings and he fits an amazing number of things in. Even as you read this there are 2 million jholas bobbling around Kolkata- and they all look exactly the same!

    K is for Kee Kando. It used to be the favourite Bengali exclamation till eeesh took over because of Aishwarya Rai (now Kee Kando's agent is trying to hire Bipasha Basu).

    L is for Lungi. People in Kolkata manage to play football and cricket wearing it. Now there is talk of a lungi expedition to Mt. Everest.

    M is for Minibus. These are dangerous half buses whose antics would effortlessly frighten the living daylights out of Formula 1 race drivers.

    N is for Nangtoe. This is the Bengali word for Naked. It is the most interesting naked word in any language!

    O is for Oil. The Bengalis believe that a touch of mustard oil will cure anything from cold (oil in the nose), to earache (oil in the ear), to cough (oil on the throat) to piles (oil you know where!)

    P is for Phootball. This is always a phavourite phassion of the Kolkattan. Every Bengali is born an expert in this game. The two biggest clubs there are Mohunbagan and East Bengal and when they play the city comes to a stop.

    Q is for Queen. This really has nothing to do with the Bengalis or Kolkata, but it's the only Q word I could think of at this moment. There's also Quilt but they never use them in Kolkata.

    R is for Robi Thakur. Many years ago Rabindranath got the Nobel Prize. This allows everyone in Kolkata to frame their acceptance speeches and walk with their head held high and look down at Delhi and Mumbai!

    S is for Sardarjee whom Bengalis are very envious of because he is born with a semi-monkey cap on.

    T is for Trams. Hundred years later there are still trams in Kolkata. Of course if you are in a hurry it's faster to walk.

    U is for Ambrela. When a Bengali baby is born they are handed one.

    V is for Violence. Bengalis are the most non-violent violent people around. When an accident happens they will shout and scream and curse and abuse, but the last time someone actually hit someone was in 1979.

    W is for Water. For three months of the year the city is under water and every year for the last 200 years the authorities are taken by surprise by this!

    X is for X mas. It's very big in Kolkata, with Park Street fully lit up.

    Y is for Yastarday. Which is always better than today for a Bengali.

    Z is for Jeebra, Joo, Jip and Jylophone.