• Patient Will Live but...

    On a busy Med/Surg floor the doctor stops the nurse to brief her on a patient's condition. "This patient is a fellow physician and my favorite golf partner. His injury is serious and I fear he will not be able to play golf again unless you follow my orders exactly."

    The doctor then began listing orders:
    "You must give an injection in a different location every twenty minutes followed by a second injection exactly five minutes after the first. He must take two pills at exactly every hour followed by one pill every fifteen minutes for eight hours. He must drink no more and no less than ten ounces of water every twenty-five minutes and must void between.

    "Soak his arm in warm water for fifteen minutes then place ice for ten minutes and repeat over and over for the rest of the day. Give range of motion every thirty minutes. He requires a back rub and foot rub every hour. Feed him something tasty every hour. Be cheerful and do whatever he asks at all times.

    "Chart his condition and vital signs every twenty minutes. You must do these things exactly as I ordered or his injury will not heal properly, and he will not able to play golf well."

    The nurse left the doctor and entered the patient's room. She was greeted by anxious family and an equally anxious patient. All asked the nurse what the doctor had said about the patient.

    The nurse started, "The doctor said that you will live." Then quickly reviewing the orders, the nurse added, "But you will have to learn a new sport."
  • Treating Chronic Bronchitis

    A victim of chronic bronchitis called on a well-known physician to be examined. The doctor, after careful questioning, assured the patient that the ailment would respond readily to treatment.

    "You're so sure," the sufferer inquired, "I suppose you must have had a great deal of experience with this disease."

    The physician smiled wisely, and answered in a most confidential manner, "Why, my dear sir, I've had bronchitis myself for more than fifteen years."
  • It's An Emergency!

    A well-respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.

    "We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.

    "I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.

    As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"

    "Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, three doctors are there already!"
  • Urine Sample!

    Jethro walks all the way into town to get a physical.

    The doctor hands him a specimen cup and says, "I need a urine sample."

    Jethro goes into the bathroom, but can't pee.

    He comes back out and says, "Doc, I done got me a bladder problem."

    The doctor says, "Don't worry, that's a common problem. Go home, drink lots of fluids, and bring me the sample in the morning."

    Jethro goes back to the farm and downs a whole case of beer. Then, after he fills the small specimen bottle, he grabs an old goldfish bowl from the front porch and fills it to the brim. The next morning, Jethro goes into the doctor's office with his specimen.

    The doctor says, "Jesus! Did you walk all the way here carrying that big bowl of urine?"

    Jethro says, "Hell, no. Today I done took the bus."