• A Routine Check-up

    A man visits a doctor for routine check-up.

    During check-up he asks the doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"

    Doctor replies, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."

    The man, little annoyed, says, "I don't come in here for any of that astrology nonsense."

    The doctor replied, "Neither do I. My rectal thermometer just broke."
  • Irresistible Urge to Steal

    "Mr. Chilton," the analyst said, "I think this will be your last visit."

    "Does that mean I'm cured?" he asked.

    "For all practical purposes, yes," she said. "I think we can safely say that your kleptomania is now under control. You haven't stolen anything in two years, and you seem to know where the kleptomania came from."

    "Well, that's terrific, Doctor. Before I go, I'd like to tell you something. Although our relationship is strictly professional, it's been one of the most rewarding of my life. I wish I could do something to repay you for helping me."

    "You've paid my fee," the doctor said. "That's the only responsibility you have."

    "I know," Chilton said. "But isn't there some personal favour I could do for you?"

    "Well," the doctor said, "I'll tell you what. If you ever suffer a relapse, my son could use a new iPhone X."
  • Handling a Difficult Patient

    A dentist had an old lady patient who was very hard to handle. As soon as she sat in the chair, she panicked and would clamp her mouth shut so firmly that he couldn't get it open to work on her teeth.

    One afternoon, on about the third try to treat the old lady, the dentist figured out a way to get the job done. He excused himself from the old lady, went back to the reception desk and told his receptionist that as soon as he was ready to work on the old lady's teeth, she was to move up behind her and jab her in the rear with a long pin.

    Well the receptionist did what she was told, and sure enough, the old lady opened her mouth to holler and that opening, maintained with a pry to keep it that way, got the job done.

    Finally finishing with his work, the dentist said, "Well now, that wasn't so bad, was it?"

    "Nope, not so bad," said the old lady. "But I'll tell you this, I never expected to feel the pain of a toothache way down in my ass."
  • Who Listens?

    Two very successful psychoanalysts occupied offices in the same building. One was 40 years old, the other over 70.

    They rode on the elevator together at the end of an unbearably hot, sticky day. The younger man was completely done in, and he noted with some resentment that his senior was fresh and relaxed.

    "I don't understand," he marveled, "how you can listen to patients from morning till night on a day like this and still look so spry and un-bothered when it's over?"

    The older analyst said simply, "Who listens?"