• Desire to Steal

    "Great news, Mr. Bradley," the psychiatrist reported. "After eighteen months of therapy, I can pronounce you finally and completely cured of your kleptomania. You'll never be trapped by the desire to steal again."

    "Gee, that's great, Doc," the patient replied.

    "And just to prove it, I want you to stop by the mall on the way home and walk the length of the stores. You'll see that you'll feel no temptation to shoplift whatsoever."

    "Oh, Doctor, what can I do to thank you?"

    "Well," suggested the psychiatrist, "if you DO have a relapse, I could use a new TV."
  • A Hard Pill to Swallow

    A man goes to the doctor with a swollen leg. After a careful examination, the doctor gives the man a pill big enough to choke a horse.

    "I'll be right back with some water," the doctor tells him.

    The doctor has been gone a while and the man loses patience. He hobbles out to the drinking fountain, forces the pill down his throat and gobbles down water until the pill clears his throat. He hobbles back into the examining room.

    The doctor comes back with a bucket of warm water, "Ok, after the tablet dissolves, soak that leg for at least 30 minutes."
  • Wrong Diagnosis

    An old man goes to his doctor, complaining about a pain in his leg that doesn't heal and wants a diagnosis and explanation. The doctor checks out his leg, but can't find anything wrong. So he gives the old guy a full physical exam, and still can't come up with any possible explanation for the pain.

    The doctor hands the patient his bill and says, "I'm sorry but the pain in your leg is simply caused by old age, there's nothing I can do about it."

    The old man replies with a look of disbelief, "That's impossible! That can't be!"

    The Doctor says, "What do you mean? I'm the expert here; if you know so much, how can you say it's NOT old age?"

    The patient answers, "I'm no doctor but it doesn't take a medical degree to tell that your diagnosis is wrong. Clearly you're mistaken. After all my other leg feels just fine."

    "So what?" says the doctor "What difference does that make?"

    "Well it doesn't hurt a bit, and it's the SAME AGE!"
  • Doctor Google

    Patient: I have fever, headache, cough and cold. I've taken some basic medicines for the same.

    Doctor: Which ones?

    Patient: Paracetamol,
    Amoxicillin,
    Levocetrizine,
    Theophylline,
    Montelukast,
    Bromhexine,
    Ibuprofen.
    Doctor: Someone please give me an Alprazolam!

    Patient: Relax doctor. Alprazolam is an anxiolytic. It may not help you right now. You're suffering from an Intermittent Explosive Disorder (IED). A selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor like Escitalopram will work better.

    Doctor: Someone give me passive euthanasia!

    Patient: Passive Euthanasia requires you to sign a 'living will' in advance. Besides, you're not even terminally ill. Now can we please talk about my fever?

    Doctor (calls his father): Papa, I'm joining our family's snacks business from tomorrow!

    Thanks to Doctor Google most of the patients are Digital Patients these days.