• You Got Off Lucky

    An elderly Jewish man is bumped by a car while crossing the street. He is seemingly unhurt, but his wife persuades him to go to the doctor, just in case. He returns home, and his wife says, "Nu, vos zogt der doktor?" (What did the doctor say?)

    "Der doktor zogt az ich hob a flucky." ("The doctor says I have a flucky.")

    "Oy, gevalt! A flucky! Terrible! What do you do for a flucky?"

    "I don't know--he didn't say, and I forgot to ask."

    Well, by this time the wife is in a state of high anxiety. She tells her neighbors "My husband was hit by a car, and now he has a flucky! I don't know what to do!"

    Neighbor #1 says, "In the old country, when someone had a flucky, we always applied cold. Ice cold is the best thing for a flucky."

    Neighbor #2 says, "What are you talking about? Cold is absolutely the worst thing you could do for a flucky! We always applied heat, that's the only thing to do for a flucky."

    Cold, heat, oy! Now thoroughly agitated, the wife decides to call the doctor herself. "Doctor, please tell me, what's wrong with my husband?"

    "I told him...nothing's wrong. He got off lucky."
  • Cost of Anesthesia

    Margie received a bill from the hospital for her recent surgery, and was astonished to see a $900 fee for the anesthesiologist. She called his office to demand an explanation.

    "Is this some kind of mistake?" Margie asked when she got the doctor on the phone.

    "No, not at all," the doctor said calmly.

    "Well," said Margie, "that's awfully costly for knocking someone out."

    "Not at all," replied the doctor. "I knock you out for free... The 900 dollars is for bringing you back around."
  • When Plans Go Wrong...

    A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game.

    For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.

    When the day of the game arrived, everything went quite well. As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts", and the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem, he yelled, "Down Nuts", and they all sat back down in their seats.

    After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts."

    They all broke out into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a articularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts!" and they all started booing and cat calling.

    Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a riot in progress.

    Finding his missing assistant, the doctor asked, " What in the world happened?
    The assistant replied, "Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled, 'PEANUTS!'."
  • First Rectal Exam

    I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam. His new nurse, Evelyn, took me to an examining room And told me to get undressed and have a seat Until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes.

    After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. While waiting I observed that there were three items on a stand next to the exam table:
    A Tube of K-Y jelly,
    A rubber glove,
    and a beer.

    When the doctor finally came in I said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused, this is my first exam... I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?

    At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse.......

    "Darn it, Evelyn !!! I said a BUTT LIGHT!!!"