• Cost of Anesthesia

    Margie received a bill from the hospital for her recent surgery, and was astonished to see a $900 fee for the anesthesiologist. She called his office to demand an explanation.

    "Is this some kind of mistake?" Margie asked when she got the doctor on the phone.

    "No, not at all," the doctor said calmly.

    "Well," said Margie, "that's awfully costly for knocking someone out."

    "Not at all," replied the doctor. "I knock you out for free... The 900 dollars is for bringing you back around."
  • When Plans Go Wrong...

    A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game.

    For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.

    When the day of the game arrived, everything went quite well. As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts", and the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem, he yelled, "Down Nuts", and they all sat back down in their seats.

    After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts."

    They all broke out into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a articularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts!" and they all started booing and cat calling.

    Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a riot in progress.

    Finding his missing assistant, the doctor asked, " What in the world happened?
    The assistant replied, "Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled, 'PEANUTS!'."
  • First Rectal Exam

    I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam. His new nurse, Evelyn, took me to an examining room And told me to get undressed and have a seat Until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes.

    After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. While waiting I observed that there were three items on a stand next to the exam table:
    A Tube of K-Y jelly,
    A rubber glove,
    and a beer.

    When the doctor finally came in I said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused, this is my first exam... I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?

    At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse.......

    "Darn it, Evelyn !!! I said a BUTT LIGHT!!!"
  • A Routine Check-up

    A man visits a doctor for routine check-up.

    During check-up he asks the doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"

    Doctor replies, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."

    The man, little annoyed, says, "I don't come in here for any of that astrology nonsense."

    The doctor replied, "Neither do I. My rectal thermometer just broke."