• When Plans Go Wrong...

    A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game.

    For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.

    When the day of the game arrived, everything went quite well. As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts", and the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem, he yelled, "Down Nuts", and they all sat back down in their seats.

    After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts."

    They all broke out into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a articularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts!" and they all started booing and cat calling.

    Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a riot in progress.

    Finding his missing assistant, the doctor asked, " What in the world happened?
    The assistant replied, "Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled, 'PEANUTS!'."
  • First Rectal Exam

    I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam. His new nurse, Evelyn, took me to an examining room And told me to get undressed and have a seat Until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes.

    After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. While waiting I observed that there were three items on a stand next to the exam table:
    A Tube of K-Y jelly,
    A rubber glove,
    and a beer.

    When the doctor finally came in I said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused, this is my first exam... I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?

    At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse.......

    "Darn it, Evelyn !!! I said a BUTT LIGHT!!!"
  • A Routine Check-up

    A man visits a doctor for routine check-up.

    During check-up he asks the doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"

    Doctor replies, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."

    The man, little annoyed, says, "I don't come in here for any of that astrology nonsense."

    The doctor replied, "Neither do I. My rectal thermometer just broke."
  • Irresistible Urge to Steal

    "Mr. Chilton," the analyst said, "I think this will be your last visit."

    "Does that mean I'm cured?" he asked.

    "For all practical purposes, yes," she said. "I think we can safely say that your kleptomania is now under control. You haven't stolen anything in two years, and you seem to know where the kleptomania came from."

    "Well, that's terrific, Doctor. Before I go, I'd like to tell you something. Although our relationship is strictly professional, it's been one of the most rewarding of my life. I wish I could do something to repay you for helping me."

    "You've paid my fee," the doctor said. "That's the only responsibility you have."

    "I know," Chilton said. "But isn't there some personal favour I could do for you?"

    "Well," the doctor said, "I'll tell you what. If you ever suffer a relapse, my son could use a new iPhone X."