• Hard of hearing...

    A man goes to the doctor and complains that his wife can`t hear him.
    "How bad is it?" the doctor asks.
    "I have no idea", says the husband.
    "Well, please test her. Stand 20 feet away from her and say something. If she doesn`t hear you, get closer and say the same thing. Keep moving closer repeating the comment until she does hear you. That way we`ll have an idea of her range of hearing loss."
    So the man goes home and sees his wife in the kitchen chopping up vegetables for dinner.
    From 20 feet: "What are we having for dinner?"
    No answer. From 10 feet, same thing. From 5 feet, same thing. Finally he`s standing right behind her ...
    "What`s for dinner?"
    She turns around, looks at him and says "For the FOURTH time ... BEEF STEW!"
  • Bright future?

    A mother complained to her doctor about her daughters strange eating habits. "All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax. What will happen to her?".
    "Eventually" said the Doctor, "she will rise and shine!"
  • Broken legs...

    At the hospital, there was a man laying in the emergency room, the doctor opened the door and walked toward the man.
    Man said, `Will I be ok, Doctor?"
    The doctor turned to him and said, "Well there is good and bad news."
    "Tell me the bad news", said the man.
    "Well," said the doctor, "the bad news is that we are going to cut both your legs off."
    "Oh my god," said the man, "What the hell is the good news?"
    "The good news is," said the doctor, "see that man over there, he wants to buy your shoes."
  • Emergency!

    A girl was too vain to wear glasses, but she always managed to conceal completely the fact that she was very, very shortsighted. In due course she got married and went off with her husband on their honeymoon. When she got back her mother shrieked and ran to the telephone. She called on oculist.
    "Doctor, come over here right away! It`s an emergency. My daughter has always refused to wear glasses and now she`s back from her honeymoon and -"
    The doctor interrupted her, "Madam, please calm yourself! Ask your daughter to come to see me. No matter how bad her eyes are, it can`t be that much of an emergency."
    "Oh no?" screamed the mother. "Well this fellow she`s got with her isn`t the one she went on honeymoon with."
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