• Psychiatrist`s help:

    Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I ve got a trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there`s somebody under it. I get under the bed; I think there`s somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under, you got to help me, I`m going crazy!"
    "Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I`ll cure your fears."
    "How much do you charge?"
    "A hundred dollars per visit."
    "I`ll sleep on it," said Shakey.
    Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street.
    "Why didn`t you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
    "For a hundred buck`s a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."
    "Is that so! How?"
    "He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"
  • Great memory...

    Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"
    "Outstanding," Fred replied. "They Augustht us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was great."
    "That is great! And what was the name of the clinic?"
    Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but could not remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
    "You mean a rose?"
    "Yes, that`s it!" He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"
  • Ban plastic bags...

    Sam and John were out cutting wood, and John cut his arm off. Sam wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and took it and John to a surgeon.
    The surgeon said: "You are in luck! I am an expert at reattaching limbs! Come back in four hours."
    So Sam came back in four hours and the surgeon said: "I got done faster than I expected to. John is down at the local pub."
    Sam went to the pub and saw John throwing darts.
    A few weeks later, Sam and John were out again, and John cut his leg off. Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and John back to the surgeon.
    The surgeon said: "Legs are a little tougher - come back in six hours." Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said: "I finished early - John is down at the soccer field."
    Sam went to the soccer field and there was John, kicking goals.
    A few weeks later, John had a terrible accident and cut his head off. Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to the surgeon.
    The surgeon said: "Gee, heads are really tough. Come back in twelve hours."
    So Sam returned in twelve hours and the surgeon said, "I am sorry, John died."
    Sam said: "I understand - heads are tough." The surgeon said: "Oh, no! The surgery went fine! John suffocated in that plastic bag!"
  • Doctor on round

    While making rounds, a doctor shows an X ray to a group of interns.
    "As you can see," she says, "the patient limps be-cause his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Michael, what would you do in a case like this?"
    "Well," ponders the intern, "I suppose I`d limp too."