• Ban plastic bags...

    Sam and John were out cutting wood, and John cut his arm off. Sam wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and took it and John to a surgeon.
    The surgeon said: "You are in luck! I am an expert at reattaching limbs! Come back in four hours."
    So Sam came back in four hours and the surgeon said: "I got done faster than I expected to. John is down at the local pub."
    Sam went to the pub and saw John throwing darts.
    A few weeks later, Sam and John were out again, and John cut his leg off. Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and John back to the surgeon.
    The surgeon said: "Legs are a little tougher - come back in six hours." Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said: "I finished early - John is down at the soccer field."
    Sam went to the soccer field and there was John, kicking goals.
    A few weeks later, John had a terrible accident and cut his head off. Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to the surgeon.
    The surgeon said: "Gee, heads are really tough. Come back in twelve hours."
    So Sam returned in twelve hours and the surgeon said, "I am sorry, John died."
    Sam said: "I understand - heads are tough." The surgeon said: "Oh, no! The surgery went fine! John suffocated in that plastic bag!"
  • Doctor on round

    While making rounds, a doctor shows an X ray to a group of interns.
    "As you can see," she says, "the patient limps be-cause his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Michael, what would you do in a case like this?"
    "Well," ponders the intern, "I suppose I`d limp too."
  • Time left...

    A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn`t been feeling well and wants to find out if he`s ill. After the checkup, the doctor comes out with the results of the examination.
    "I`m afraid I have some bad news. You`re dying and you don`t have much time," the doctor says.
    "Oh no, that`s terrible! How long have I got?" the man ask.
    "10.." says the doctor.
    "10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!" he asks desperately.
    "10...9...8...7..."
  • Mental disorder

    A transcript of the new answering service recently installed at the Mental Health Institute
    "Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
    If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
    If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
    If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want ... Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
    If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
    If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
    If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press ... no one will answer.
    If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
    If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother s maiden name.
    If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
    If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep ...... Please wait for the beep.
    If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
    If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
    If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
    If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
    If you have low self esteem, please hang up ... All of our operators are too busy to talk to you."