• Urine Sample!

    Jethro walks all the way into town to get a physical.

    The doctor hands him a specimen cup and says, "I need a urine sample."

    Jethro goes into the bathroom, but can't pee.

    He comes back out and says, "Doc, I done got me a bladder problem."

    The doctor says, "Don't worry, that's a common problem. Go home, drink lots of fluids, and bring me the sample in the morning."

    Jethro goes back to the farm and downs a whole case of beer. Then, after he fills the small specimen bottle, he grabs an old goldfish bowl from the front porch and fills it to the brim. The next morning, Jethro goes into the doctor's office with his specimen.

    The doctor says, "Jesus! Did you walk all the way here carrying that big bowl of urine?"

    Jethro says, "Hell, no. Today I done took the bus."
  • Curing Constipation

    Wilford went to the doctor for constipation. He explained to the doc that it had several days since he had a bowel movement and it was getting rather painful.

    After examining Wilford the doctor said, "Lets see, you live out of town don't you?"

    Wilford nodded.

    "Okay, you drive the speed limit of 30 mph to the city limits and turn off on a farm to market road and drive 55 mph for 6 miles?"

    Again Wilford nodded.

    "Then you turn onto a dirt road and drive about 20 mph for 2 miles to your house, is that correct?"

    Once more Wilford nodded.

    "Okay, I'm going to give you this powerful laxative and you need to go straight home. Do not stop anywhere or drive any slower."

    So Wilford drove home exactly as the doctor said.

    A few days later, Wilford saw the doctor up town and stated, "Doc, you should have been an engineer or mathematician. I can't believe how accurate you were with the directions on that laxative."

    Doc said, "I glad you are feeling better. So, you made it just fine to the toilet?"

    "No, explained Wilford, you were 3 feet short."
  • Anesthesiology Bill

    Margie received a bill from the hospital for her recent surgery, and was astonished to see a $1200 fee for the anesthesiologist. She called his office to demand an explanation.

    "Is this some kind of mistake?" Margie asked when she got the doctor on the phone.

    "No, not at all," the doctor said calmly.

    "Well," said Margie, "that's awfully costly for knocking someone out."

    "Not at all," replied the doctor. "I knock you out for free. The 1200 dollars is for bringing you back around."
  • Will I Live To Be 80?

    I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well for my age".

    A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

    He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?"

    "Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing either."

    Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

    I said, "No, my other Doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

    "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

    "No, I don't," I said.

    He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

    "No,"I said. "I don't do any of those things."

    He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a hoot if you live to be 80?"