• Good News & Bad News

    The pastor stood before his congregation on Sunday.

    With his arms outreached he announced, "Friends, I have good news and bad news regarding the money we need to fix the roof of our church."

    There was a slight murmur in the crowd as everyone was well aware of the pitiful condition of the roof.

    "The good news is," the pastor continued, "that after a careful review, I've been able to determine that we have enough money to properly repair the roof."

    As a jubilant titter filled the pews, the pastor raised his hands and motioned the group to settle down.

    "Of course there is a bit of bad news to go with it," he said as everyone hushed. "The money to fix the roof is still in your pockets!"
  • Become a Christian

    Two old Jewish men waking down the street and they see a sign in front of a church: Become a Christian today! Earn $100!

    So the one guy Abe, says, "100 bucks. hmmm. I think I'll do it. I could use the money."

    His friend Izzy says, "How could you do that ? You're a Jew. You been one all your life."

    Abe says, "So what. It's just a label. I'm doing it!"

    And he walks across the street and into the church. He returns 20 minutes later and Izzy says, "So did you do it?"

    Abe says, "Yup. I'm a Christian."

    And izzy asks, "Well did they give you the hundred dollars?"

    To which Abe shakes his head in disgust and says, "That's the trouble with you Jews. All you think about is money!"
  • Have Faith...

    A climber fell off a cliff, and as he tumbled down, he caught hold of a small branch wedged in the rock.

    "HELP! IS THERE ANYBODY UP THERE?" he shouted.

    A majestic voice boomed through the gorge:
    "I will help you, my son, but first you must have faith in me."

    "Yes, yes, I trust you!" cried the man.

    "Let go of the branch," boomed the voice.

    There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again, "IS THERE ANYONE ELSE UP THERE I COULD TALK TO?"
  • Jesus, Help Me!

    A group of nuns were travelling in a car when it had a flat tire. They got out and try to change it, but being rather unworldly, they don't really know how. Luckily, a truck came along and the driver offered to change it for them. They gratefully accepted.

    As the trucker jacked up the car, it slipped from the jack and he yelled, "Son-of-a-bitch"

    The eldest nun said to him, "That is not nice language. We understand that you are upset, but you mustn't use such language."

    "Sorry, Sister," he said, and tried again. Again it slipped, this time almost smashing his fingers. "Son-of- a-bitch," he yelled again.

    "Please, don't use such language. If changing our tire is causing you to do so, it would be better if you didn't help us."

    "But I get so upset, and it just comes out."

    "Well," said the nun, "Say something else when you get upset, something like 'Sweet Jesus, help me.'"

    So the trucker tried to jack up the car again. And again it slipped.

    He started to say, "Son.." but he corrected himself and said, "Sweet Jesus, help me."

    At that, the car miraculously rose into the air all by itself.

    The nuns looked at the car in wonder, exclaiming in unison, "Son-of-a-bitch!"