|Two church members were going door-to-door through the neighbourhood and finally arrived at Mrs. Smith's house.|
She was not happy to see them. She greeted them with an attitude that made it clear she had no time to waste on them or their message. As she slammed the door in their faces, though, to her surprise, it bounced back open.
She caught it, slammed it again, but the same thing happened!
Convinced the man must be sticking his foot in the doorway, she reared back to slam it hard enough to teach him a lesson, when he cried, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you really should move your cat!"
|A preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."|
With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed.
He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.
After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"
Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week."
|After a brutal and tough day carrying the cross up Golgatha, the Romans nailed Jesus with no remorse to the heavy wooden structure. Golgatha was a grand hill, and as the cross was raised Jesus looked down upon all those gathered before him.|
He saw his wonderful mother Mary. He saw gods children. He saw Jerusalem in all its glory. But his eyes finally fell on his good friend and disciple Peter.
"Peteeer....," he called through painful breaths, "Peeteerr...."
Peter, the must loyal of all Jesus's follows, jumped in shock. He began to run toward Jesus.
"Yes my lord?" Peter replied.
But as soon as he began to get close the Romans roared, "NO!" and viciously chopped off poor Peters Legs.
Peter, wallowing in pain, heard his messiah call him again, "Peeetteeer... peeter," growing more faint with each call.
So once again Peter tried, crawling with his arms... pulling as hard as he could.
Suddenly, more sharp Roman swords fell upon him. They took his arms this time, leaving him limbless.
But as he lay there, face down in the mud, Peter heard the Son of God once more, "Peeteer"
So Peter rolled this time with all his might, reaching the bottom of the cross, "Yes my lord, Yes, Yes," he screamed with anticipation, "how can I serve you?"
And in his fading breaths, whimpering and quiet, Jesus replied, "Peeter... Peter... I... I can see your house from here!"
|I went into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.|
Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall, there's a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in. I say to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
He replies, "Get out, you idiot. You're on my side!"