Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do, Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this! You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I taut you was getting a group together to go right now!"
Bob and Jim are walking to services.
Bob asks, "I wonder whether it would be all right to smoke while praying?"
"Why don't you ask the rabbi?" says Jim.
Bob sees the Rabbi and asks, "Rabbi, is it permissible for me to smoke while I pray?"
"No, you may not. That's utterly disrespectful to our tradition!" answers the rabbi.
Bob goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Rabbi told him.
"I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try."
Jim goes over to the Rabbi and asks, "Rabbi, would it be ok if I prayed while I smoke?"
To which the Rabbi eagerly replies, "By all means, my good man. By all means."
When KFC sales hit a lean patch, Colonel Sanders came up with a brilliant advertising idea.
He got in touch with the Pope and asked the pontiff whether he could change the words of the Lord's Prayer from "Give us this day a daily bread" to "Give us this day a daily chicken."
"I can't possibly do that," said the Pope.
"Not even for 100,000 dollars?" asked the Colonel.
"No, not for 100,000 dollars," replied the Pope.
Six months on and KFC sales were declining still further. The Colonel was getting desperate and made another call to the Pope. This time he offered 500,000 dollars for the words of the Lord's Prayer to be changed to "Give us this day a daily chicken."
Again the Pope refused, "I can't possibly change the wording of the Lord's Prayer from bread to chicken," he repeated.
Another 6 months and KFC sales had reached an all time low. The company was in danger of going out of business. Colonel Sanders made one last attempt to persuade the Pope to change the wording of the Lord's Prayer.
"I'll donate 50 million dollars to the Vatican if you change the word 'bread' to 'chicken' in the Lord's Prayers."
"That's a lot of money," conceded the Pope.
"So you'll do it?"
"I'll have to discuss it with the cardinals."
So the Pope called a meeting of the cardinals. He began, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, KFC is going to donate 50 million dollars to Vatican. The bad news is, we lost the Wonder Bread account."
A man died and went up to heaven where he was greeted by St. Peter.
"And who are you?" asked St. Peter.
"My name is Steven Richards."
"And what did you do for a living?" asked St. Peter.
"I was unemployed."
"Unemployed, hmmm?" mused St. Peter. "And have you ever done anything good in your life?"
"As a matter of fact I have. I was walking along the street once and I saw a group of bikers who were threatening to beat up a defenceless girl. So I rushed to her rescue, pulled the ringleader off his hair, kicked him hard where it hurts and told him and his gang to clear off."
"That's highly commendable," said St. Peter flicking through the man's file, "but I can't see any report of this incident. When did it happen?"
"About five minutes ago."