• Forgive Your Enemies

    The preacher's Sunday sermon was 'Forgive Your Enemies.'

    He asked how many of the congregation have forgiven their enemies? About half held up their hands. He then repeated his question. Now about 80 % held up their hands.

    He then repeated his question once more. All responded, except one elderly lady.

    "Mrs. Johnson, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

    "I don't have any."

    "Mrs. Johnson that is very unusual. How old are you?"

    "Ninety-three," she replied.

    "Mrs. Johnson, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person cannot have an enemy in the world?"

    The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle and said, "I outlived every one of those bitches!"
  • A Bit of Gas

    "Sister Ann, aren't you putting on a little weight?" inquired Father Dan during his visit to the convent, suspiciously eyeing her bulging stomach.

    "Why, no Father," answered the nun demurely, "It's just a little gas."

    A few months later Father Dan put the same question to the nun noticing her habit barely fit across her belly.

    "Oh, just a bit of gas," said sister Ann, blushing a bit.

    On his next visit Father Dan was walking down the corridor when he passed Sister Ann wheeling a baby carriage.

    Looking in, the priest observed, "Cute little Fart!"
  • Atheist Holy Day

    In Florida, an atheist created a case against Easter and Passover Holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians and Jews and observances of their holy days. The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.

    The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, "Case dismissed!"

    The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, How can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays..."

    The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant."

    The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."

    The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that, if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned..."
  • The Poker Game

    A rabbi, a minister, and a priest were playing poker when the police raided the game.

    Turning to the priest, the lead police officer said, "Father Murphy, were you gambling?"

    Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispered, "Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do."

    To the police officer, he then said, "No, officer; I was not gambling."

    The officer then asked the minister, "Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?"

    Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replied, "No, officer; I was not gambling."

    Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asked, "Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?"

    Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replied, "With whom?"