• Best Sermon

    After years of his wife's pleading, this rich good ole' boy finally goes with her to her little local Church on Sunday morning. He was so moved by the preacher's sermon that on the way out he stopped to shake his hand.
    He said, "Reverend, that was the best damn sermon I ever did hear!"

    The Preacher replied, "Oh!! Why, thank you sir, but please, I'd appreciate it if you didn't use profanity in the Lord's house."

    The man said, "I'm sorry Reverend, but I can't help myself, it was such a damn good sermon!

    The Reverend said, "Sir, PLEASE, I cannot have you behaving this way in Church!"

    The man said, "Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that i thought it was so damn good, I put $5000 in that there collection plate."

    And the Reverend said, "That was damn nice of you, Sir!"
  • Army of the Lord!

    A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and as always the preacher was standing at the door shaking hands as the congregation departed. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

    The preacher said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

    My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Preacher."

    The preacher questioned, "How come I don't see you except for Christmas and Easter?"

    He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
  • The Holy Cup!

    A man walks in to a confession booth and says, "I have sinned."

    "What did you do?" asks the priest.

    "I've committed murder."

    The priest says, "Take a drink out of the holy cup and you will be forgiven."

    A women walks in to the confession booth and says, "I have sinned."

    The priest asks her, "What did you do?"

    "I robbed six banks."

    The priest says, "Take a drink out of the holy cup and you will be forgiven."

    Another man walks in to the confession booth and says, "I have sinned."

    "What did you do?" asks the priest.

    "I peed in the holy cup."
  • Shhhhhh......

    A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the Rabbi went to see him.

    He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"

    The old man lowered his voice, "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"
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