• Soldier Stands Guard

    A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield.

    A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back.

    The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"

    The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."

    "I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield."

    The general said, "Drive on!"

    The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."

    The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"

    The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the the driver?"
  • George and the Dragon

    An 18th-century vagabond in England, exhausted and famished, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading: 'George and the Dragon.' He knocked. The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window.

    "Could ye spare some victuals?" he asked.

    The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes.

    "No!" she shouted.

    "Could I have a pint of ale?"

    "No!" she shouted.

    "Could I at least sleep in your stable?"

    "No!" she shouted again.

    The vagabond said, "Might I please...?"

    "What now?" the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish.

    "D'ye suppose," he asked, "that I might have a word with George?"
  • You're The Shit

    The small town sheriff pulled over a Porsche doing 75 miles per hour in a 35 zone. Its wealthy yuppie driver was steaming.

    When he finally appeared before the local magistrate, he exploded, "I can't believe you're going to give me a fine. This place must be the a$$hole of the world!"

    The magistrate softly replied, "Mebbe so, but you're what's passing through it!"
  • Perfectly Stitched

    A man brings some very fine material to a tailor and asks him to make a pair of pants. When he comes back a week later, the pants are not ready. Two weeks later, they still are not ready.

    Finally after 6 weeks, the pants are ready. The man tries them on. They fit perfectly. Nonetheless, when it comes to pay, he cannot resist a jibe at the tailor.

    "You know," he says "It took God only six days to make the world. And it took you six weeks to make just one pair of pants."

    "Ahhh...," says the tailor, "But look at this pair of pants, and then look at the world.