• Forrest Gump in Heaven

    Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper. St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."

    Forrest responds, "It shor is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever tolt me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."

    St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions:
    First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
    Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
    Third: What is God's first name?"

    Forrest leaves to think the questions over.

    He returns the next day and sees St. Peter who waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

    Forrest says, "Well, the first one - which two days in the week begin with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow."

    The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asks St. Peter.

    "How many seconds in a year?"

    "Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

    Confounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve!? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

    Forrest says "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd. . ."

    "Hold it, " interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind.....but I'll have to give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name?"

    "Sure," Forrest replied, "it's Andy."

    Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"

    "Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song. . . . "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN. . . ."

    St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said, "Run Forrest, run."
  • Misspelled Name

    Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery, they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.

    Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

    "Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath. "You scared us half to death - we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"

    "Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"
  • The Drunk and The Priest

    A drunk, who smelled of beer sat down, on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

    After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Tell me, Father, what causes arthritis?"

    The priest replied, "My Son, it is caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with women and a lack of personal hygiene."

    The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be darned," and returned to his paper.

    The priest, thinking about what he had said, put his hand gently on the man's arm and apologized. "I'm sorry. I should not have come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

    "I don't have arthritis, Father," the drunk replied. "I was just reading here that the Pope does.
  • Please Show The ID

    The following supposedly a true story.

    This guy walked into a little corner store with a shot gun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf.

    He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21."

    The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give the scotch to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.

    The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot.

    The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off of the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.