• The Fart List

    THE CUSHIONED FART: A concealed fart, sometimes successful. The farter is usually on the fat side, sometimes a girl. They will squirm and push their butt way down into the cushions of a sofa or over-stuffed chair and ease-out a fart very carefully without moving then or for some time after. Some odor may escape, but usually not much. Common with some people.

    THE DUD FART: The Dud Fart is not really a fart at all. It's a fart that fails. For this reason it is strictly a group one identification fart, because there is no real way you can identify a fart that somebody else expected to fart but didn't. It is the most private of all farts. In most cases the farter usually feels a little disappointed.

    THE ECHO FART: This is a fart that can be wrongly identified. It is not some great loud fart in an empty gym or on the rim of the Grand Canyon. The true Echo Fart is a fart that makes its own echo. It is a two-toned fart, the first tone loud, then a pause, and then the second tone. Like an echo.

    THE G AND L FART: This is one of the most ordinary and pedestrian of farts, known to everyone. Certainly it is the least gross. If you have not already guessed, G and L stands for Gambled and Lost. One of the most embarrassing of all farts, even when you are alone.

    THE GHOST FART: A doubtful fart in most cases, as it is supposed to be identified by odor alone and to occur, for instance, in an empty house. You enter and smell a fart, yet no one is there. People will insist that only a fart could have that odor, but some believe it is just something that happens to smell like a fart.

    THE HIC-HACHOO-FART FART: This is strictly an old lady's fart. What happens is that the person manages to hiccough, sneeze, and fart all at the same time. After an old lady farts a Hic-Hachoo-Fart Fart she will usually pat her chest and say, "My, my", or "Well, well". There is no reason she should not be proud, as this is probably as neat an old person's fart as there is.
  • Not the Same Elephant

    In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

    He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

    Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teen-aged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

    Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage; climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

    Probably wasn't the same elephant.
  • The First Date

    A guy walks into a bookstore, not looking for anything in particular. On his way to the back of the store, he spots something of interest.

    A book with a very interesting title, "Dating for the New Millennium. What Women Want." So, he picks it up and opens it to a random page.

    "Chapter 1: The First Date."
    He glances the chapter over for a few minutes and then rushes out of the bookstore to call a girl he's wanted to ask out for quite awhile. When he gets home, he picks up the phone and calls her. She answers, "Hello?"

    He says, "Hi, Jessica. Listen, I was wondering if you would want to go see a movie with me tonight?"

    She says, "Sure, I don't see anything wrong with that."

    He gets excited. He thought she'd say no way, but she didn't. So, he decided to take it one step further. He asks, "Great, well how about dinner before the movie?" She replies, `Sure, that would be great too!` `Fine, I'll pick you up about nine. You should be finished eating by then.`
  • Always Listen to Your Mom

    Son: Daddy, I've a small doubt!

    Dad: Bolo Na Beta.

    Son: Daddy, I learned that Shri Ram became GOD by listening to his Dad in SATYA YUGA. Prahlad became great by Not listening to his Dad in TRETA YUG. Please clarify Should I listen to you or not?

    Dad: My dear Son... In Kali Yuga, It is Good for both of us to listen to your Mother to have a Normal life.