• Almost Perfect First Day

    It seems that a young man volunteered for Navy service during World War II. He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to Pensacola, skipping boot camp.

    The very first day at Pensacola, he soloed and was the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.

    On his first day aboard, he took off and single-handedly shot down six Japanese zeroes. Then climbing up to 20,000 ft., he found nine more Japanese planes and shot them all down, too. Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the carrier, and came in for a perfect landing on the deck.

    He threw back the canopy, climbed out, and jogged over to the captain. Saluting smartly, he said, "Well, sir, how did I do on my very first day?"

    The captain turned around, bowed, and replied, "You make one velly impoltant mistake!"
  • Guide Dogs

    Two men walking their dogs met outside a bar. After chatting a while, one suggested they go inside for a drink.

    The man with the Chihuahua said, "Good idea, but the sign says 'No Dogs'."

    The man with the golden retriever smiled and said, "No problem. Follow me and do what I do."

    As he entered the bar, the bartender yelled, "Hey, buddy, no dogs allowed in here!"

    The guy replied, "Oh, he's my seeing-eye dog."

    So the bartender relented, but then he spotted the other guy.

    "I'm sorry, sir, but no dogs are allowed in my bar."

    The second guy echoed the first, "But he's my seeing-eye dog."

    The bartender looked skeptical, "Your seeing-eye dog is a Chihuahua?"

    "What! They gave me a Chihuahua?!"
  • Cheap Hearing Aid

    Morris realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money.

    "How much do they cost?" he asked the salesperson.

    "That depends," he said. "They run from $2.00 to $2,000."

    "Let's see the $2.00 model," said Morris the miser.

    The salesperson put the device around Morris' neck.

    "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket," he instructed.

    "How does it work?" asked Morris.

    "For $2.00 it doesn't work," the salesperson replied. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder."
  • An Age Old Question

    I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

    My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said 'nothing'.

    The reason I said 'nothing' instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she then would have asked 'about what?'

    At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.

    Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

    Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they "know"?

    Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.

    Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really "know", here is the reason for my conclusion.

    A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

    On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

    I rest my case. Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap in that hammock.