• Help Out!

    A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a big, muddy hole in the road and the car became bogged.

    After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him. The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50.

    The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free.

    The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."

    The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plow your land? You must do it at night."

    "No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole."
  • Head-On Accident

    A police officer was investigating an accident on a two-lane, narrow road in which the drivers had hit virtually head-on.

    One driver, an extremely elderly woman, kept repeating, "He wouldn't let me have my half of the road!"

    After gathering as much information as possible, he angrily approached the other driver, who was examining his own damage.

    The police officer asked, "That old lady says that you wouldn't let her have her half of the road. Why not?"

    In exasperation, the man turns from his smashed car and says, "Officer, I would have been HAPPY to give her half of the road -- if she had just let me know WHICH half she wanted!!!!"
  • A Cute Little Fart

    A nun was walking in the convent when one of the priests noticed she was gaining a little weight. "Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?" he asked.

    "No, Father. Just a little gas." sister Susan explained.

    A month or so later the priest noticed that she had gained even more weight.

    "Gaining some weight are we sister Susan?" he asked again. "Oh no, father. Just a little gas."

    She replied again. A couple of months later the priest noticed sister Susan pushing a baby carriage around the convent.

    He leaned over and looked in the carriage and said, "Cute little fart."
  • Marketing Campaign

    Wilson runs a nail factory and decides his business needs a bit of advertising.

    He has a chat with a friend who works in marketing, and he offers to make a television ad for Wilson's Nails.

    "Give me a week," says the friend, "and I'll be back with a tape."

    A week goes by and the marketing executive comes to see Wilson.

    He puts a cassette in the video and presses play. A Roman soldier is busy nailing Jesus to the cross.

    He turns to face the camera and says with a grin, "Use Wilson's Nails, they'll hold anything."

    Wilson goes mad, shouting, "What is the matter with you? They'll never show that on television. Give it another try, but no more Romans crucifying Jesus!"

    Another week goes by and the marketing man comes back to see Wilson with another tape. He puts it in the machine and hits play.

    This time the camera pans out from a Roman standing with his arms folded to show Jesus on the cross.

    The Roman looks up at him and says, "Wilson's Nails, they'll hold anything."

    Wilson is beside himself. "You don't understand. I don't want anything with Jesus on the cross! Now listen, I'll give you one last chance. Come back in a week with an advertisement that I can broadcast."

    A week passes and Wilson waits impatiently. The marketing executive arrives and puts on the new video.

    A naked man with long hair, gasping for breath, is running across a field. About a dozen Roman soldiers come over the hill, hot on his trail.

    One of them turns to the camera and says, "If only we had used Wilson's Nails!"