• The Toddler's Rule

    If it is on, I must turn it off.

    If it is off, I must turn it on.

    If it is folded, I must unfold it.

    If it is liquid, it must be shaken then spilled.

    If it is solid, it must be crumbled, chewed or smeared.

    If it is high, it must be reached.

    If it is shelved, it must be unshelved.

    If it is pointed, it must be run with full speed.

    If it has leaves, they must be picked.

    If it is plugged, it must be unplugged.

    If it is trash, it must be removed, inspected and thrown on the floor.

    If it is closed, it must be opened.

    If it does not open, it must be screamed at.

    If it has drawers, they must be rifled.

    If it is a pen or pencil, it must write on refrigerator, monitor, TV or table.

    If it is full, it will be more interesting empty.

    If it is empty, it must be more interesting full.

    If it is a pile of dirt, it must be laid upon.

    If it has a flat surface, it must be banged upon.

    If it is a paper, it must be torn.

    If it has switches, they must be pressed.

    If the volume is low, it must go high.

    If it is a bug, it must be swallowed. If it doesn't stay on my spoon, it must be dropped on the floor.

    If it is not food, it must be tasted.

    If it is food, it must not be tasted.

    If it is dry, it must be made wet.
  • Sarso Da Tel!

    Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

    In London, a customer asked, "Do you have "Sarso Da Tel?"

    The shopkeeper says "Are you a "Punjabi?"

    The guy (clearly offended) says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something...

    If I had asked for Olive Oil, would you ask me if I was Italian?

    Or if I had asked for Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

    Or if I asked for a kosher hotdog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?

    If I had asked for halal meat, would you ask me if I was Muslim?

    Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

    The shopkeeper says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

    The guy says, "Well then because I asked for Sarso Da Tel, why did you ask if I am a Punjabi?"

    The (calm) shopkeeper replied, "Because, this is a wine shop."
  • Signs that Technology has Taken Over Your Life

    1. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write is letterhead.

    2. You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.

    3. You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't because there isn't one typewriter in your house - only computers with laser printers.

    4. You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to send your father a birthday card.

    5. You disdain people who use low baud rates.

    6. When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers - and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.

    7. You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.

    8. You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase "digital compression." Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don't have to explain it.

    9. You know Bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number.

    10. You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice number," since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.

    11. You sign Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature.

    12. Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :-).

    13. You back up your data every day.

    14. Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and you return with a rest for your mouse.

    15. You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.
  • The Breathalyzer Test

    A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.

    "I can't do that, officer."

    "Why not?"

    "Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube."

    "Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station."

    "Can't do that either, officer."

    "Why not?"

    "Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup."

    "Alright, we could get a blood sample."

    "Can't do that either, officer."

    "Why not?"

    "Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die."

    "Fine then, just walk this white line."

    "Can't do that either, officer."

    "Why not?"

    "Because I'm too drunk to do that."