• The Impatient Pilot

    An airline pilot was scheduled to take a flight from New York to Los Angeles. The weather was too bad in New York to allow his usual on time departure.

    The weather in New York finally cleared and the pilot asked for his departure clearance. He was very dismayed to hear that he had another delay due to the increased traffic now leaving New York.

    Sometime later he finally received his clearance and decided he would try to make up the time lost by asking for a direct route to Los Angeles. Halfway across the country he was told to turn due South. Knowing that this turn would now throw him further behind schedule he inquired, quite agitated, to the controller for the reason of the turn off course. The controller replied that the turn was for noise abatement.

    The pilot was infuriated and said to the controller, "Look buddy, I am already way behind schedule with all the delays you guys have given me today. I really don't see how I could be causing a noise problem for pedestrians when I am over 6 miles above the earth!"

    The controller answered in a calm voice, "Apparently, Captain, you have never heard two 747's collide!"
  • Virgin Wool ?!?

    Sarah, being the "only buy-on-sale shopper," beckoned to a salesman in a Department Store, pointed to white wool designer dress on a mannequin, and said, "Hey Sonny boy, so how much is the dress on that store dummy over there?"

    "That dress is $899.95, Madam," sneered the rather snotty salesman.

    "Oh! For $99.95, I could get the same dress at Klein's downtown!"

    "But Madam," said the salesman, "You'll find that the dress at Klein's is recycled wool. This original is 100% pure virgin wool."

    And Sarah replied, "So! For $800, I should be caring what the lambs do at night?"
  • Help Out!

    A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a big, muddy hole in the road and the car became bogged.

    After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him. The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50.

    The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free.

    The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."

    The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plow your land? You must do it at night."

    "No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole."
  • Head-On Accident

    A police officer was investigating an accident on a two-lane, narrow road in which the drivers had hit virtually head-on.

    One driver, an extremely elderly woman, kept repeating, "He wouldn't let me have my half of the road!"

    After gathering as much information as possible, he angrily approached the other driver, who was examining his own damage.

    The police officer asked, "That old lady says that you wouldn't let her have her half of the road. Why not?"

    In exasperation, the man turns from his smashed car and says, "Officer, I would have been HAPPY to give her half of the road -- if she had just let me know WHICH half she wanted!!!!"