• Life Saving Advice

    On a cold winter day an elderly gentleman faints in the street. A small crowd immediately gathers around him.

    "Give the poor man a glass of brandy," advises a woman.

    "Give him a heart massage," says someone else.

    "No, just give him some brandy," insists the woman.

    "Call an ambulance," yells another person.

    "A brandy!"

    The man suddenly sits up and exclaims, "Shut up, everybody, and do as the kind lady says!"
  • Transferred to California

    Jack was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat beside him. The new guy was an absolute wreck, pale, hands shaking, biting his nails and moaning in fear.

    "Hey, pal, what's the matter?" Jack asked.

    "Oh man... I've been transferred to California," the other guy answered, "there's crazy people in California and they have shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, the highest crime rate..."

    "Hold on," Jack interrupted, "I've lived in California all my life, and it is not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world."

    The other passenger relaxed and stopped shaking for a moment and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death, but if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

    "Me?" said Jack, "I'm a tail gunner on a bread truck."
  • An Year without Toilet?

    In the days when you couldn't count on a public toilet facility, an English woman was planning a trip to India She was registered to stay in a small guest house ownedby the local Schoolmaster. She was concerned as to whether the guest house contained a WC. In England , a bathroom is commonly called a WC which stands for 'Water Closet'.

    She wrote to the schoolmaster inquiring of the facilities about the WC. The school master, not fluent in English, asked the local priest if he knew the meaning of WC. Together they pondered possible meanings of the letters and concluded that the lady wanted to know if there was a 'Wayside Church' near the house. A bathroom never entered their minds. So the schoolmaster wrote the following reply:

    Dear Madam,
    I take great pleasure in informing you that the WC is located 9 miles from the house.

    It is located in the middle of a grove of pine trees, surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people and is open on Sundays and Thursdays.

    As there are many people expected in the summer months, I suggest you arrive early. There is, however, plenty of standing room.

    This is an unfortunate situation especially if you are in the habit of going regularly. It may be of some interest to you that my daughter was married in the WC, as it was there, that she met her husband. It was a wonderful event. There were 10 people in every seat. It was wonderful to see the expressions on their faces. We can take photos in different angle.

    My wife, sadly, has been ill and unable to go recently. It has been almost a year since she went last, which pains her greatly.

    You will be pleased to know that many people bring their lunch and make a day of it. Others prefer to wait till the last minute and arrive just in time. I would recommend your ladyship plan to go on a Thursday as there is an organ accompaniment. The acoustics are excellent and even the most delicate sounds can be heard everywhere.

    The newest addition is a bell which rings every time a person enters. We are holding a bazaar to provide plush seats for all, since many feel it is long needed.

    I look forward to escorting you there myself and seating you in a place where you can be seen by all.

    With deepest regards,
    The Schoolmaster

    The Woman fainted reading the reply....... and she never visited India !!!
  • Facebook in Real Life

    Presently I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.

    Therefore every day, I go down on the street and tell the passerby what I have eaten, how I feel, what I have done the night before, and what I will do after.

    I give them pictures of my family, my dog and me gardening and spending time in my pool.

    I also listen to their conversations and I tell them I Like them.

    And it works:
    I already have 3 persons following me:
    2 Police Officers and a Psychiatrist