|1. Why did you apply for this job?|
I have applied for many jobs along with this one and it's just that you called me first.
2. Why do you want to work for this company?
I have to work for some company, whoever gives me a job, I don't have any specific company in mind.
3. Why should I hire you?
You have to hire some one, you may give me a try.
4. What would you do if this happened?
Well, it depends on my mindset and mood in that situation...
5. What is your biggest strength?
I dare to join any company who pays me well, without thinking about the fate of company.
6. What is your biggest weakness?
7. What was your worst mistake and how did you learn from it?
Joining my earlier company and I learnt that I need to switch my job to get more money, so I am here today.
8. What accomplishments in your last position are you most proud of?
Had I accomplished any in my last position, why do I need to change my job? I could demand more and stay there.
9. Describe a challenge that you faced and how did you overcome it?
Biggest challenge is answering the question "why are you looking for a change" and I started blabbering irrelevantly to overcome that.
10. Why did you leave/ are you leaving your last job?
For the same reason why you left your previous job.
11. What do you want from this job?
No work and good hikes.
12. What are your career goals and how do you plan to achieve them?
Making more money and for that I keep switching jobs every two years.
13. What do you know about our company?
I knew you will ask me this question. So, I've gone through your website.
14. What salary are you expecting?
Well, no one will change his job for the same salary, hence, give me 20% extra than what I am getting right now. I know you will bargain on whatever I ask. So I have already hiked my current salary by 30%.
|A young fellow became marooned on a deserted South Pacific island after his cruise ship sank. For several years, he managed to live on fruits and vegetables he found on the island, together with shellfish and an occasional fish he was able to catch.|
Then, one day as he was sitting on the beach, he saw an object approaching the island. As it got closer, he could see that it was a woman astride a barrel. When she finally managed to paddle the barrel ashore, he ran over to greet her, and noticed that she was a beautiful girl.
"Wow," he exclaimed, "I'm sure glad to see you!"
Noticing that his clothes were gone and he had quite a beard, she asked, "My goodness, how long have you been here by yourself?"
"Almost four years, I think" he replied.
She said "Well, I'm going to give you something you haven't had in a long time, and I'm sure you have missed."
"Well, hot damn!" he exclaimed, "Have you got beer in that barrel?"
|Mallu boarding a plane.|
Air hostess is smiling.
Mallu: Tatti Vandi!
Air hostess (shocked): What???
Mallu: Tatti Vandi!!!
Air hostess calls steward.
Mallu: Tatti Vandi!!!
Mallu thrusts his boarding pass below the steward's nose.
Steward looks at it and bursts out laughing. Composes himself, and says: Sir, seat 31 D is in the center. This way please!
|This is allegedly an actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner submitted to B&Q (Block & Quayle) in Tunbridge Wells.|
Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)
Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate).
Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place - would I?
Pound 150,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
LAST POSITION HELD
Target for middle management hostility.
A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING
It was a crap job.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK
1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?
If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?
I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?
I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?
On the job - NO!
On my breaks - YES!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big tits and who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?
Oh yes, absolutely.
They hired him because he was so funny.....