• Hair Remover

    Hair Remover
    A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland. She found herself seated next to a nice priest, to whom she said, "Excuse me, Father, could I ask a favor?"

    "Of course! What can I do for you?"

    "Here's the problem... I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?"

    "Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I will not lie."

    "You have such an honest face, Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions," and she gave him the hair remover.

    The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

    "From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son," he replied.

    Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the sash down, what do you have?"

    The priest replied, "I have there a marvelous little instrument destined for use by women, but which has never been used."

    Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, "Go ahead Father. Next!"
  • The Naked Man

    The Naked Man
    It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming.

    "Please come quickly!" she yelled, "I just saw a naked man outside my window!"

    The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady's room.

    "Where is he?" asked the receptionist.

    "He's over there," replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel.

    The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment.

    "It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed," she said reassuringly. "And how do you know he's naked, you can only see him from the waist up?"

    "The dresser!" screamed the old lady. "Try standing on the dresser!"
  • Toilet Facilities

    Toilet Facilities
    The story is told of a lady who was rather old fashioned, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language. She and her husband were planning a weeks vacation to Florida, so she wrote to a particular campground asking for a reservation.

    She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old fashioned term BATHROOM COMMODE, but when she wrote that down, she thought she was being too forward. So she started all over again, rewrote the entire letter and referred to the bathroom commode merely as the "BC". "Does the campground have its own BC?" is what she actually wrote.

    Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all and when he got the letter he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. That "BC" business really stumped him. After worrying about it for awhile he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldn't figure out what the lady meant either. So, the campground owner finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the lady. Upon reading his letter, and with great shock, the lady quickly decided not to got to that campground. The letter is as follows...

    "Dear Madam, I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take great pleasure in informing you that a BC is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away, if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late.

    "It is such a beautiful facility and the acoustics are marvelous; even the normal delivery sounds can be heard. The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are going to hold it in the basement of the BC.

    I would like to say it pains me very much not being able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather.

    If you decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks (remember, this is a friendly community)."
  • The First Date

    The First Date
    A guy walks into a bookstore. Not looking for anything in particular. On his way to the back of the store, he spots something of interest.

    A book, with a very interesting title, "Dating for the New Millennium. What Women Want."

    So he picks it up and opens it to a random page.

    "Chapter 1 The First Date."

    So, he glances the chapter over for a few minutes, and rushes out of the bookstore to call a friend whom he's wanted to ask out for quite a while.

    When he gets home, picks up the phone and calls her.

    She answers, "Hello?"

    He says, "Hi, Mona? It's me. Listen, I was wondering if you would want to go see a movie with me tonight?"

    She says, "Sure, I don't see anything wrong with that."

    He gets excited. He thought she'd say, "No Way!" but she didn't. So, he decided to take it one step further.

    He asks, "Great, well how about dinner before the movie?"

    She replies, "Sure, that would be great too!"

    "Fine, I'll pick you up about 9, you should have finished eating by then!"