• The Italian Math Test

    An Italian man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. "Here's your first question," the foreman said.

    "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

    "Without numbers?" the Italian says, "Datsa easy." and he proceeds to draw three trees.

    "What's this?" the boss asks.

    "Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree makea nine," says the Italian.

    "Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

    The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere a you go."

    The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99 ?"

    "Each of da trees isa dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."

    The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Italian, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

    The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

    The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

    The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little doga came along and crapa by eacha tree. So now you gota dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, datsa makea one hundred. So, when I'm a gonna start?"
  • Husband's Ashes

    Stacey makes a new friend at school and invites her home for the first time. Stacey excuses herself to fetch her mother and introduce her new friend. As her friend is standing in the living room next to the fireplace, she picks up the attractive vase on the mantle.

    When Stacey returns with her mother, her friend is staring curiously into the vase. "Oh, those are my father's ashes," Stacey informs her New friend.

    However, this startles her so that she drops the vase with a gasp! ashes and broken vase scattering all around. After turning three shades of red she stammers out, "Oh, no... I'm, oh!... I, can't... Didn't Mean to..."

    "It's OK dear," the mother says. "The vase was just from Asda."

    The new friend catches her breath enough to say, "But ... But your Husband's' ashes..."

    "Well," the mother says, "looks like he'll just have to get himself up and get the ashtray from the kitchen from now on!"
  • Your Dog Was Depressed

    Jason gets off the elevator on the 50th floor and nervously knocks on his blind date's door. She opens it and is very beautiful and charming.

    "I'll be ready in a few minutes," she says. "Why don't you play with Spot, my dog, while you're waiting? He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up, and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through."

    The dog follows Jason onto the balcony and starts rolling over. Jason makes a hoop with his arms and Spot jumps through, over the balcony railing.

    Just then, Jason's date walks out. "Isn't Spot the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?"

    "To tell the the truth, " he replies, "Spot seemed a little depressed to me!"
  • Christmas Party Warning

    A warning to all you drivers, be careful about drunk driving as we're getting close to Christmas and Police are out there checking on people.

    Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then went onto the wine. Not a good idea.

    Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the pub and took a bus home.

    Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathalyzer tests. Because I was in a Bus they just waved it past.

    I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from.