• Master's in History!

    Finkelman just arrives in America and needs a job and has no qualms about inventing the necessary qualifications. He reasons that once he finds work, he will impress the boss so much that everything will be forgiven. After a successful initial interview with the Encyclopedia of American History, he is called back to meet the sales manager.

    "You say you have experience selling books?"

    "Lots of it," replies Finkelman.

    "And you have a Master`s in American history from the University of Michigan?"

    "Correct," replies Finkelman. "History is my field of study."

    "Well then," says the sales manager, "As soon as I can complete this form, we can get you started in our firm."

    While the sales manager is making a few notations, Finkelman, obviously pleased with himself, begins to whistle. Looking around the room, he notices pictures of Washington and Lincoln on the walls.

    Pointing to the portraits, he turns to the sales manager and says, "Fine looking men. Your partners?"
  • Two Questions

    Jimmie, an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship. One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty silver-haired lady sitting alone on a park bench.

    Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked graciously, "Pardon me, ma'am, but may I sit here with you."

    The silver-haired Marcia looked up to see a distinguished looking white-haired gentleman and replied, "Why certainly," and scooted over gently to give him room to sit down.

    For the next two hours the two sat and talked about everything. They discovered that they came from the same part of the country, liked the same big band music, voted for the same presidential candidates, had had long happy marriages and lost their spouses in the last year, and in general agreed about almost everything.

    Finally, the old gentleman cleared his throat and asked sheepishly, "Ma'am, may I ask you two questions?"

    With great anticipation Marcia replied, "Why certainly!"

    The old gentleman removed a handkerchief from his coat pocket and spread it out on the ground before her. He very gingerly got down on one knee and looked her softly in the eyes, "Marcia, I know we've only known each other for a couple of hours, but we have so much in common. I feel I have known you all my life. Will you marry me and be my wife?"

    Marcia grabbed at Jimmie's hands and said, "Why, yes, I will marry you! You have made me so very happy!"

    She reached over and kissed him gently on the cheek.

    Then Marcia said, "You said you had two questions to ask me. What is the second question?"

    Jimmie scratched his neck and said, "Will you help me get up?"
  • Why are Days Longer & Shorter?

    I was working in a scrap yard during summer vacation at an engineering university. I worked repairing construction equipment.

    One afternoon, I was taking apart a piling hammer that had some very large bolts holding it together. One of the nuts had corroded on to the bolt, so to free it I started heating the nut with an oxyacetylene torch. As I was doing this, one of the dimmest apprentices I have ever known came along. He asked me what I was doing. I patiently explained that if I heated the nut, it would grow larger and release its grip on the bolt, so I could then remove it.

    "So, things get larger when they get hot, do they?" he asked.

    "Yes," I said. "That's why days are longer in summer and shorter in winter."

    There was a long pause, then his face cleared. "You know, I always wondered about that," he said.
  • Kitchen Wizard

    My friend's husband is always telling her that housekeeping would be a snap if only she would organize her time better. Recently he had a chance to put his theory into practice while his wife was away.

    When I popped in one evening to see how he was managing, he crowed, "I made a cake, frosted it, washed the kitchen windows, cleaned all the cupboards, scrubbed the kitchen floor, walls and ceiling and even had a bath."

    I was about to concede that perhaps he was a better manager than his wife, when he added sheepishly, "When I was making the chocolate frosting, I forgot to turn off the mixer before taking the beaters out of the bowl, so I had to do all the rest."