• Can You Smell It?

    A young woman walks into a prestige car sales room. Looks around at all the Porsches, Lamborghini's, Jags etc., and says to the salesman.

    "Can I have the red one?" - a top of the range Porsche.

    "I'll pay cash!" and starts taking handfuls of cash out of a carrier bag until she gets to the right price.

    The deal is finalised very quickly and the girl drives it away.

    She is back 2 days later, "I want my money back... it smell awfully bad when I use the brakes," she states emphatically.

    Not wanting to lose the sale (having taken cash and fiddled the books) the manager decides to ride in the car with her... in case she is not driving it properly.

    He gets in and she roars out of the dealership, drops it into second gear at 55 mph, floors the pedal again and slips into 3rd at 80mph does a handbrake turn into a country lane and then really starts to accelerate.

    120mph into 4th gear; 5th at 145mph. The engine is screaming, trying to leap out of the bonnet when it reaches 170mph. The scenery is a green blur the G-force has him pinned in the seat. In the distance, to his relief, the barriers of a level crossing are beginning to come down and she will have to slow down (he thinks!) instead the pitch of the engine increases.

    100 yards from the crossing she slams on the brakes and the car stops inches from the barrier.

    "Can you smell it?" she says.

    "SMELL IT? I'M SITTING IN IT!"
  • Dumb Ass

    The Irish priest was at the altar one dreary Sunday morning, addressing his congregation, vehement that alcohol was the work of the devil.

    "As an example," he stated during his sermon, "If you were to lead a donkey to a bowl of water and a bowl of whiskey, from which would he drink?"

    A grizzled old Mick at the back of the church spoke up, "Aye, Father, for sure he'd drink from the water."

    The priest, elated, said, "Very good, my son. And can you tell me WHY he'd drink from the water?"

    The Irishman at the back of the church replied, "Sure I can tell ye' why, Father. Because he's a dumb ass."
  • Inventory Loss Prevention

    The underwear making company, Jockey was having a tough time with stock theft.

    On departure for home, all workers' bags were searched and everything always seemed OK.

    All security measures you can think of were put in place, Auditors were called in but still no one was caught and stock continued to disappear.

    All workers, including management were checked on departure, each wearing just one underwear and no one was caught with more than one pair.

    Then....
    One day, the Auditor advised security to check all workers on their arrival to factory........
    and the case was resolved!!!
  • Bad Date???

    Ken sets up his friend Mike on a blind date with a young lady-friend of his. But Mike is a little worried about going out with someone he's never seen before.

    "What do I do if she's really unattractive?" says Mike. "I'll be stuck with her all night."

    "Don't worry," Ken says, "just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. But just in case you need to escape, there's a 'Bad Date Rescue App' you can install on your smartphone. Schedule your phone to ring just after you meet her and answer with, 'Mom, what's the matter, are you okay?' It works every time."

    So that night, Mike knocks on the girl's door and when she comes out he is awestruck at how attractive and sexy she is. He's about to speak when the girl's phone rings and she answers with, "Mom, what's the matter, are you okay?"