• What'd You Like to Hear

    After dying in an accident, three friends go to Heaven for orientation.

    They are all asked the same question: "When you are in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

    The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man."

    The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow."

    The last guy thinks a minute and replies, "I guess I'd like to hear them say... Look, He's moving!"
  • Throwing up at a Party

    A pizza was waiting in the stomach to be digested,then suddenly a whiskey came along.

    Pizza thought, "Ok. I'll let him pass, there's no hurry."

    Two minutes later another whiskey comes by and pizza let him pass too, but two minutes later when the next one got there, pizza stopped him, "What's going on out there?" it asked.

    "Why, there's a party going on!! It's great! They're having the most fun!!!" the whiskey replied.

    And pizza said, "Great, I'll go check it out! "
  • Finding Real Friends

    A young couple were touring southern Florida and happened to stop at a rattlesnake farm they discovered along the road. After seeing the sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes.

    "Gosh!" exclaimed the young woman. "You certainly have a dangerous job. Don't you ever get bitten by the snakes?"

    "Yes, on rare occasions," answered the handler.

    "Well," she continued, "what do you do when you're bitten by a snake?"

    "I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I am bitten, I make cut across the fang entry and then suck the poison from the wound."

    "What, uh...what would happen if you were to accidentally sit on a rattler?" persisted the woman.

    "Ma'am," answered the snake handler, "that will be the day I learn who my real friends are."
  • Enemies to the West

    A knight and his men returned to their castle after a hard day of fighting.

    "How are we faring?" asked the king.

    "Sire!" replied the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day. Burning the towns of your enemies to the west."

    "What?" shrieked the king, "I don't have any enemies to the west!"

    "Oh!" said the knight, "Well, you do now."