• A Few Points to Ponder

    Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

    Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt."

    Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

    Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

    Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

    If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can?t he fix a hole in a boat?

    Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

    Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

    What do you call male ballerinas?

    If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

    If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

    If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

    If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

    Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?

    Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

    Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

    Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?

    Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he can't wait to stick his head out the window into the wind?

    Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
  • HISTORY ACCORDING TO KIDS

    The following excerpts are actual answers given on history tests and in Sunday School quizzes by children between 5th- and 6th-grade ages in Ohio. They were collected by two teachers over a period of three years.

    Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

    The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young female moth.

    Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw for reasons I don't really understand. The English and French still have problems.

    Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen."! As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah!" and that was the end of the fighting for a long while.
    Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper which was very dangerous to all his men.

    Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it.

    Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's Mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands... Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.
    Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.

    The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.

    Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do what she did. Other women have become scientists since her but they didn't get to find radios because they were already taken.

    Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The other three were in the movies. Karl made speeches and started revolutions. Someone in the family had to have a job, I guess."
  • Irish Police Officers

    Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint. Paddy, the officer, stops them and tells them, "It is illegal to put five people in a Quattro. Quattro means four."

    "Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishman retorted disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."

    "You cannot pull that one on me," replies Paddy. "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law."

    "You idiot!" the Englishman replies angrily. "Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

    "Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with two guys in a Fiat Uno."
  • Magnet Fishing

    Three blonde fishermen are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water.

    A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."

    "We don't have any," replied the first fisherman.

    "Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses," said the Game Warden.

    "But officer," replied the second fisherman, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."

    The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line.

    "Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden, "take all the debris you want."

    And with that, the Game Warden left. As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three fishermen started laughing hysterically.

    "What a dumb Fish Cop," the fisherman, said to the other two.

    "Doesn't he know that there are Steelhead trout in this river?!"