• How to Revive Her

    Wife was in the ICU.

    The husband was unable to control his tears.

    Doctor: We are trying our best but can't guarantee anything. Her body is not reacting. It seems she is in a coma.

    Husband: Doctor, please save her. She is just 30 years old and the family needs her.

    Suddenly something happened. Miraculously the ECG started beeping like crazy.

    A hand moved, her lips mumbled and she spoke, "Darling, I'm 29, not 30..."
  • Keep Harping On

    A boss was educating an employee on effective sales technique.

    "The main thing to remember is that repetition, repetition, repetition is the keynote!" he advised. "If you have a product to sell, keep harping on it in every possible way, cram it down people's throats and beat them over the head with it! Above all, don't ever forget to repeat and repeat and repeat! It's the only way to get results!"

    "Yes, sir!" the employee answered.

    "And now, what was it you came in to see me about?" the boss asked.

    The employee replied, "A Raise! A Raise! A Raise! A Raise! A Raise! A Raise! A Raise!"
  • Give Clear Instructions

    A few years ago the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle had died because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the car. I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric over sized gas-guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it.

    I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 30mph for it to start.

    She said 'Fine!' and hopped into her car and drove off.

    I sat there fuming wondering what she could be doing.

    A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rear-view mirror coming at me at about 50 mph, I suddenly realized that I should have been a bit clearer with my directions...
  • Late Night Party

    A teenage girl had just been given family-car privileges, when she returned home very late from a party.

    The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning.

    At 11:30am the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, "What time did you get in last night?"

    "Not too late, Dad," she replied nervously.

    Dead-pan, her father said, "Then I'll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front wheel of the car."