• The Final Journey

    As the old man lies dying in the bedroom, out in the parlor the family discusses funeral arrangements.

    Son Gary says, "We'll make a real big thing out of it. We'll have five hundred people. We'll order fifty limos."

    Daughter Grace says, "Why do you want to waste money like that? We'll have the family and maybe a few friends. One limo just for us."

    They proceed. Grandson Jeff says, "We'll have lots of flowers. We'll surround him with dozens of roses and lilies, dozens and dozens."

    Daughter Alice says, "What a waste! We'll have one little bouquet, that's enough."

    Suddenly, the voice of the old man is heard, wafting weakly from the bedroom, "Why don't you get me my pants? I'll walk to the cemetery."
  • Things Could Be Worse

    A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter over the bed. With the worst premonition, she reads it, with trembling hands:

    It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I eloped with my new boyfriend. I found real passion and he is so nice, with all his piercing and tattoos and his big motorcycle.

    But is not only that mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams. I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and for his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we may want.

    In the meantime, we'll pray for the science to find the AIDS cure, for Ahmed to get better, he deserves it.

    Don't worry Mom, I'm 16 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'll visit, so you can know your grandchildren.

    Your daughter,
    Lisa

    PS: Mom, it's not true. I'm at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than the school's report card that's in my desk's drawer... I love you!
  • Holiday At The North Pole

    A blonde, a redhead and a brunette are having a holiday at the North Pole. The blonde's weight is 110 pounds, the red's is 130 pounds, the brunette's is 150 pounds. One day, the three of them are having a trip on a sleigh.

    Suddenly, they see a polar bear behind them. Quickly, they throw out all the luggage behind them, but this doesn't help.... the bear comes closer.

    They realize that one of the three will have to sacrifice herself so that the 2 others will be able to escape.

    "You should do it," the blonde says to the brunette. "The bear will need more time to eat you then to eat me or the redhead."

    "I guess you're right," the brunette says.

    She jumps out of the sleigh and gets killed by the bear.

    "Thank God for my brains," the blonde says, but the bear reopens the chase.

    "Now it's your time, red," the blonde says. "Your weight is bigger than mine."

    "I guess you're right," the red says and she also jumps out and gets killed.

    "Thank God for my brains," the blonde says. But still the bear won't stop hunting the sleigh.

    The blonde really gets mad and she cries out, "You stupid animal!! Just wait a minute!! I'll take my gun and I'll blow you to pieces!!!"
  • Snappy Dresser

    A woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.

    He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?"

    But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one.

    When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost?

    He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So... I switched the heads."