• Toddlers and Drunks

    Anyone who has raised, or even just been around, a toddler knows these things are true.

    Toddlers and drunks are EERILY similar!

    No personal boundaries.

    Falls over A LOT. Gets up, yells "I OK!" and keeps going.

    Poor decision making skills.

    Spontaneous vomiting.

    Speaks gibberish.

    Cries for no apparent reason.

    Philosophical conversations with inanimate objects.
    Short attention span.

    Argumentative.

    Poor short term memory.
    Zero inhibitions.

    Loses everything.

    Will pass out anywhere.

    One track mind.

    Demanding.

    Getting them undressed (or redressed) is like wrestling an alligator.

    Runs into things that haven't moved..... ever.

    One volume setting - LOUD!
  • Fishing Worms

    A father had promised his two young sons he would take them on a fishing trip.

    The boys were digging for fishing bait in their parents' garden. Uncovering a many legged creature, one of the boys proudly dangled it before his Father.

    "No, son, he won't do for bait," his Father said. "He's not an earthworm."

    "He's not?" the boy asked, his eyes wide. "What planet is he from?"
  • Returning a Lost Phone

    When a customer left his cell phone in my store, I scrolled through his saved numbers, stopped at "Mom" and pushed send. His mother answered, and I told her what happened.

    "Don't worry," she said, "I'll take care of it."

    A few minutes later, the cell phone rang. It was "Mom."

    "Martin," she said, "you left your cell phone at the convenience store."
  • Working With God

    A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.

    During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's work, saying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!"

    A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. Lo and behold, it's like a completely different place--the farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there are plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows.

    "Amazing!" the preacher says. "Look what God and you have accomplished together!"

    "Yes, reverend," says the farmer, "but I have to tell you that God never turned up for work on one single day!"