• Old Age Crisis

    Three elderly women are talking about their troubles.

    "Sixty is the worst age to be," said Ruth, the 60-year-old, "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time nothing happens."

    "Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old, Maxine. "When you're 70, you don't have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing happens."

    "Actually," said Gilda, the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

    "Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked Ruth.

    "No, I pee every morning at 6 a.m. I pee like a racehorse; no problem at all."

    "Do you have trouble with your bowel movements?" Maxine questioned.

    "No, I have one every morning at 6:30 a.m," Gilda responded.

    Puzzled with this, Ruth said, "Let's get this straight. You pee every morning at 6 a.m. and poop every morning at 6:30 a.m. So what's so tough about being 80?"

    "I don't wake up until 7."
  • Honeymoon Prank

    Bill had always been a prankster. As each of his friends were married, Bill made sure some type of practical joke was played upon them. Now ready to be married himself, he was dreading the payback he knew was coming.

    Surprisingly, the ceremony went off without a hitch. No one stood up during the pause to offer a reason 'why this couple should not be married'. His reception wasn't disrupted by streakers or smoke-bombs, and the car the couple was to take on their honeymoon was in perfect working order.

    When the couple arrived at their hotel and entered the room, Bill even checked for cornflakes in the bed (a gag he had always loved). Nothing, it seemed, was amiss. Satisfied that he had come away unscathed, the couple fell into bed.

    Upon waking, the couple was ravenous so Bill called down to room service and asked, "I'd like to order breakfast for two."

    At that moment, a soft voice from under the bed said, "Make that five."
  • That's Odd !

    A mother and father named their child "Odd". Because of his unfortunate name, poor Odd had the worst life you could imagine.

    In school, he was always picked on and had trouble making friends. In college he never fit in and struggled to gain the respect of his peers. In life he drifted from job to job, unable to find steady work. He never found the love of his life and lived a lonely bachelor.

    And so one day Odd decided he couldn't go on anymore and took his own life. In his suicide note he demanded that his grave be a blank headstone with no mention of his name, so that he could be completely and utterly forgotten.

    And yet every time someone walks past his grave, they see his wordless stone and go, "That's odd..."
  • New Words for 2016

    Errorist : Someone who repeatedly makes mistakes.

    Cellfish : Those who continue to talk on their cell phone, oblivious to the effect on others around them. a bitch than the average bitch. Dudevorce : When two male best friends officially end their friendship over a lame disagreement, usually concerning a girl. Nonversation : A completely worthless conversation, wherein nothing is illuminated, explained or otherwise elaborated upon. Typically occurs at parties, bars or other events.

    Destinesia : When you get to where you were intending to go, you forget why you were going there in the first place. Not to be confused with being stoned.

    Unkeyboardinated : Lacking physical or mental keyboard coordination; unable to type without repeatedly making mistakes.

    Cellfish : Those who continue to talk on their cell phone, oblivious to the effect on others around them.

    Textpectation : The anticipation one feels when waiting for a response to a text message.

    Carcolepsy : The inability to stay awake and alert when in a car, or any other thing that moves, such as trains, planes, and buses.

    Hiberdating : Someone who ignores all their other friends when they are dating a boyfriend/girlfriend.

    Wexting: Texting while walking.

    Selfiecide: The death of a person which occurs while taking selfies.

    Deja Poop : The feeling that the same shit keeps happening over and over to you!
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