• A Twist in the Tale

    Girl: Hiiiiii.
    Boy: Hi.
    Girl: What happened?
    Boy: Nothing.
    Girl: No, say na what happened... You look soo sad.
    Boy: I'll ask you something... and you have to tell me the truth... will you?
    Girl: Ok, ask.
    Boy: Who is Raj loafer? He liked all your profile pictures and even your status updates on FB. who is the dumb idiot?
    Girl: Please don't say anything about him.
    Boy: Is he your ex boyfriend? Are you still in love with him?
    Girl: Why would I love him... You are my only love...
    Boy: Then is he your brother?
    Girl: No no... not like that...
    Boy: Then who the hell is he?
    Girl: Shall we talk something else?
    Boy: So you are hiding something from me? You have that much close relationship with him... he's so much important to you, right?
    Girl: If I disclose the secret you'll definitely scold me.
    Boy: I'm getting irritated now... don't test my patience.
    Girl: Please Yaar...
    Boy: If You don't tell me I'll break our relationship roght now.
    Girl: Ok, I'll tell you... but promise me that you won't scold me, ok??
    Boy: Oh, ok...

    Girl: Hmmm... That is my fake profile... if no one likes my dp I like my pictures through that id and also post comments like cute, nice, hot, sexy, etc.... etc!!!!!
  • Forgive and forget

    The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject.
    After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies.
    About half held up their hands.
    Not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question.
    This time he received a response of about 80 percent.
    Still unsatisfied, he lectured for another 15 minutes and repeated his question.
    With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear.
    "Mrs. Smith, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
    "I don't have any."
    "Mrs. Smith, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
    "Ninety five."
    "Mrs. Smith, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person can live to be ninety five, and not have an enemy in the world."
    The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, very slowly turned around and said, "It's easy, I just outlived the bitches."
  • Two Elderly Gentlemen

    Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:

    "John, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

    John says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."

    "Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"

    "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."
  • Puking Captain

    Puking Captain
    A merchant captain and several of his officers were returning to the ship after a large evening ashore.

    As they climbed the gangway the captain threw up all over himself.

    Pointing to an apprentice seaman above him he shouted, "Give that man five days in the brig for vomiting!"

    The following morning the captain was checking the log and saw that the young seaman had been sentenced to ten days and asked the chief mate why?

    "Well Sir, when we got you undressed we found that he’d also shit in your pants."