• Ouch! That Hearts - RIP

    With the bad food, the dogs in the image are badly trained and even tried to do some bad things to their owner.

    When old Mr. O'Leary died, an elaborate wake was planned. In preparation, Mrs. O'Leary called the undertaker aside for a private little talk.

    "Please be sure to fasten his toupee to his head very securely. No one but I knew he was bald," she confided, "and he'd never rest in peace if anyone found out at this point. Our friends from the old country are sure to hold his hands and touch his head before they're through paying their last respects."

    "Rest assured, Mrs. O'Leary," comforted the undertaker, "I'll fix it so that toupee will never come off."

    Sure enough, the day of the wake the old timers were giving O'Leary's corpse quite a going-over, but the toupee stayed firmly in place.

    At the end of the day a delighted Mrs. O'Leary offered the undertaker an extra thousand dollars for handling the matter so professionally.

    "Oh, I couldn't possibly accept your money," protested the undertaker. "After all... what's a few nails?"
  • Any Objections?

    At a wedding ceremony, the pastor asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom, it was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace.

    The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman, Alita, carrying a child. She started walking towards the pastor slowly.

    Everything quickly turned to chaos: The bride slapped the groom.

    The groom's mother fainted.

    The groomsmen started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation.

    The pastor asked Alita, "Can you tell us why you came forward? What do you have to say?"

    Alita replied, "We can't hear anything in the back...!!!"
  • The Good Bishop

    The good bishop knew very well that everyone in his small town look to him for an example. One night, however, after a long, hard day, he came to his last visitation.

    His hostess, noting that he looked tired, asked with concern, "A spot of tea, Bishop?"

    "No, thank you," he managed. "No tea."

    "Ah," she said. "Coffee, then?"

    "No coffee either, thank you."

    In the spirit of intrigue, she leaned closer and murmured, "I could bring you a scotch and soda in a dark mug?"

    "My dear, this is my last word, "NO soda."
  • Counter Proverbs

    Newton's third law states:
    Every action has an equal and an opposite reaction.
    So it would stand to reason that every proverb has an equal and opposite proverb.

    Actions speak louder than words.
    vs
    The pen is mightier than the sword.

    Look before you leap.
    vs
    He who hesitates is lost.

    Many hands make light work.
    vs
    Too many cooks spoil the broth.

    Clothes make the man.
    vs
    Don't judge a book by its cover.

    Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
    vs
    Better safe than sorry.

    The bigger, the better.
    vs
    The best things come in small packages.

    Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
    vs
    Out of sight, out of mind.

    What will be, will be.
    vs
    Life is what you make it.

    Cross your bridges when you come to them.
    vs
    Forewarned is forearmed.

    What's good for the goose is good for the gander.
    vs
    One man's meat is another man's poison.

    With age comes wisdom.
    vs
    Out of the mouths of babes come all wise sayings.

    The more, the merrier.
    vs
    Two's company; three's a crowd.