• With Age Comes Wisdom

    An 86 year-old man is out fishing. He was sitting in his boat when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up!"

    He looked around and did not see any one. He thought he was dreaming until he heard the voice again.

    "Pick me up." The old man looked in the water and there, floating on a lilly pad was a frog.

    The man said, "Are you talking to me?"

    The frog replied, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because you will have me as your bride."

    The man looked at the frog for a minute in confusion, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.

    The frog screamed, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride!"

    He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."
  • Latest Airport Security Device

    What a simple and brilliant idea! I particularly like the 'spare' seat announcement!! It's hard to beat Israeli technology!

    TEL AVIV, Israel - The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners.

    It's an armoured booth you step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on your person.

    Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with none of this crap about racial profiling. It will also eliminate the costs of long and expensive trials.

    You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter, an announcement:

    "Attention to all standby passengers, El Al is pleased to announce a seat available on Flight 670 to London. Shalom!" BRILLIANT !
  • Evil Spell

    Once upon a time there was a Prince who, through no fault of his own was cast under a spell by an evil witch. The curse was that the Prince could speak only one word each year. However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, then the following year he was allowed to speak two words. (This was before the time of letter writing or sign language.)

    One day he met a beautiful princess (ruby lips, golden hair, sapphire eyes,) and fell madly in love. With the greatest difficulty he decided to refrain from speaking for two whole years so that he could look at her and say: 'My Darling'.

    But at the end of the two years he wished to tell her that he loved her. Because of this he waited three more years without speaking (bringing the total number of silent years to 5).

    But at the end of these five years he realized that he had to ask her to marry him. So he waited ANOTHER four years without speaking.

    Finally as the ninth year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds.

    Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said huskily, "My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?"

    And the princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind a dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said, "Pardon?"
  • Skinny-Dip

    An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and grapefruit trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

    One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

    As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

    One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

    The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

    Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligators."

    Some old men can still think fast.
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