• Hiring Lingo

    Clarification Of Hiring Lingo

    Competitive Salary - We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

    Join Our Fast-Paced Company - We have no time to train you.

    Casual Work Atmosphere - We don't pay you enough to expect that you will dress up.

    Must Be Deadline Oriented - You will be six months behind schedule on your first day.

    Some Overtime Required - Some time each night and some time each weekend.

    Duties Will Vary - Anyone in the office can boss you around.

    Must Have An Eye For Detail - We have no quality control.

    Career-Minded - Female applicants must be childless (and stay that way).

    Apply In Person - If you're fat, old, or ugly, you will be told the position has been filled.

    No Phone Calls Please - We already have someone for the job, our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

    Seeking Candidates With A Wide Variety of Experience - You will need it to replace three people who have just left.

    Problem Solving Skills A Must - You are walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

    Requires Team Leadership Skills - You will have the responsibilities of a manager; without the pay or respect.

    Good Communication Skills - Management communicates; you listen, figure out what they want, and do it.
  • Noise Abatement!

    An airline pilot was scheduled to take a flight from New York to Los Angeles. The weather was too bad in New York to allow his usual on time departure.

    The weather in New York finally cleared and the pilot asked for his departure clearance. He was very dismayed to hear that he had another delay due to the increased traffic now leaving New York.

    Sometime later he finally received his clearance and decided he would try to make up the time lost by asking for a direct route to Los Angeles. Halfway across the country he was told to turn due South. Knowing that this turn would now throw him further behind schedule he inquired, quite agitated, to the controller for the reason of the turn off course. The controller replied that the turn was for noise abatement.

    The pilot was infuriated and said to the controller, "Look buddy, I am already way behind schedule with all the delays you guys have given me today. I really don't see how I could be causing a noise problem for pedestrians when I am over 6 miles above the earth!"

    The controller answered in a calm voice, "Apparently, Captain, you have never heard two 747's collide!"
  • Bigger Chicken Breasts

    The supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts and I intended to stock up. At the store, however, I was disappointed to find only a few skimpy pre-packaged portions of the poultry, so I complained to the butcher.

    "Don't worry," she said, "I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping."

    Several aisles later, I heard the lady butcher's voice boom over the public-address system... "Will the gentleman who was looking for bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store."
  • You're Going to Die!

    A tourist asked a boat guide: Do you know Psychology, Geography, Geology and Criminology?

    The Guide said 'No' to all the questions.

    The Tourist then said: Idiot!!! You will die of Illiteracy.

    Suddenly the boat started sinking and the Guide asked the Tourist: Do you know Swimology... Escapology away from Crocrodielogy?

    The Tourist said: No.

    The Guide Said: Today you will Drowncology... Crocodielogy will eat your Bodycology... and you will Diecology because of your bad Mouthocology.