• Retired Husband!

    After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local Wal-Mart Dear Mrs. Harris:

    Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

    1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
    2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
    3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
    4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away'.
    This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time; and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.
    5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
    6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
    7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
    8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
    9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
    10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
    11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.
    12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.
    13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
    14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed; 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
    15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

    And last, but not least:
    16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'
    One of the clerks passed out.
  • You Gotta Stay Happy

    If you are in Love:
    - Make the best of it.
    - Don't doubt anythng.
    - Enjoy it because nothing lasts forever.

    If you just Broke up:
    - Don't cry! Remembr that you had a good time.
    - Neverstay alone! Your friends are there.
    - Hug more people.
    - Stop listening to sad music! It only make things worse.

    If you are Single:
    - Stay happy.
    - Hang out with friends & family.
    - Try looking for someone, who you think is the best for you.

    If you are Married:
    -Game over...
    Just delete this msg & get back to work...
  • Calling Customer Care...

    Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so priceless, and, so easy to see happening - customer service being what it is today. A lady died this past December, and the bank billed her for January and February for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank. Here is the exchange:
    Family Member: I am calling to tell you she died back in January.

    Citibank: The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.

    Family Member: Maybe you should turn it over to collections.

    Citibank: Since it is two months past due, it already has been.

    Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?

    Citibank: Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!

    Family Member: Do you think God will be mad at her?

    Citibank: Excuse me?

    Family Member: Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?

    Citibank: Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.

    Supervisor gets on the phone:
    Family Member: I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.

    Citibank: The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.

    Family Member: You mean you want to collect from her estate?

    Citibank: (Stammer) Are you her lawyer?

    Family Member: No, I'm her great nephew. (Lawyer info was given)

    Citibank: Could you fax us a certificate of death?

    Family Member: Sure. (Fax number was given)

    After they get the fax:
    Citibank: Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.

    Family Member: Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.

    Citibank: Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.

    (What is wrong with these people?!?)
    Family Member: Would you like her new billing address?

    Citibank: That might help....

    Family Member: Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69.

    Citibank: Sir, that's a cemetery!
    Family Member: And what do you do with dead people on your planet???
  • Girlfriend Hone Ke Phaayde

    Hamare Purush Users Ne Hhumse Poochha Hai Ki Jeevan Mein Premika Ke Hone Ke Kya Phaayde Hain. Atah Aaj Hum Batayenge Ki Jeeven Mein Girlfriend Hone Ke Kya-Kya Faayde Hain.

    1. Doston Mein Aapki Izzat Bad Jaati Hai
    Ye Jeevan Ka Ek Kadva Sach Hai Bhakton. Aajkal Usi Ladke Ki Har Koi Izzat Karta Hai Jiski Girlfriend Hoti Hai. Bina Girlfriend Waalo Ko Koi Nahi Poochhta Hai.

    2. Aap Apne Dil Ka Dard Usse Share Kar Sakte Hain:
    Apne Dil Ka Dard Karne Ke Liye Aapke Paas Ek Sachha Saathi Hota Hai. (Kintu Sachhai Toh Yah Hai Ki Jiske Pass Girlfriend Hoti Hai Uska Hi Dimaag Hamesha Kharaab Rehta Hai).

    3. Aapki Har Baat Maanne Waala Koi Aapke Paas Hota Hai:
    Girlfrind Banane Se Aapke Paas Ek Aisa Insaan Ho Jaata Hai Jo Aapki Har Baat Maanta Hai. (Kintu Bada Waala Sach Toh Yah Hai Ki Hota Iska Ulta Hai, Aur Hamesha Ladke Hi Joru Ke Ghulaam Bane Rehte Hain).

    4. Aapke Bigadne Ka Khatra Nahi Rahta:
    Ladko Ke Ghar Waale Hamesha Chintit Rehte Hain Ki Kahin Unka Ladka Bigad Naa Jaaye, Kintu Sach Ye Hai Ki Ek Baar Ladke Ki Girlfriend Ban Jaaye Ton Phir Bigadne Ke Liye Aur Kuch Nahi Rehta.

    5. Facebook Mein Aapke Post Danadan Like Hote Hain:
    Jee Haan, Yadi Aapke Paas Girlfriend Ho Toh Aap Facebook Mein Jo Kuch Bhi Daalenge Wo Like Zaroor Kiya Jaata Hai. Sabse Pehle Aapki Girlfriend Use Like Aur Comment Karegi, Uske Baad Ladki Ka Comment Dekhkar Aapke Sabhi Dost Bhi Usmein Comment Karne Ko Betaab Hue Jaayenge.