|Bill wasn't a very good golfer, but he sure dressed like one. He had a wicked slice that prevented him from ever reaching the green in two strokes, but on the day of the company golf tournament, no one could deny that he looked pretty sharp on the tee. That day, as usual, Bill sent his first drive deep into the woods.|
"You'll never hit it out of there," his friends insisted.
"As God is my witness, I'm gonna make the green in two if it kills me," Bill replied.
With that, he smacked the ball as hard as he could. It hit the tree in front of him and came straight back, and hit him right between the eyes and he died.
When Bill appeared at the pearly gates, St. Peter looked at him and said, "Well, I can see by your outfit that you're a golfer! Are you any good?"
Bill replied, "I got here in two, didn't I?"
|A page from husband's diary...|
Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, grabbed my golf bag, tried not to wake my wife, sneaked quietly into garage & proceeded to back out into.... a torrential rain ! Wind was blowing at 50 mph.
I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio & discovered that the weather would be bad through out the day.
Disappointed I went back into the house,quietly undressed, and sneaked back into bed.
There I cuddled up to my wife's back& whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My beautiful and loving wife replied, "I know... and can you believe my stupid husband is out there playing golf in that terrible weather !"
I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I have stopped playing golf.
|A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses.|
"Help me dear," she groans to her husband.
The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter and lines up his putt.
His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.
"I'm dying here and you're putting?"
"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you."
"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.
"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."
|At dawn the telephone rings...|
"Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot - he is dead."
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Senor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane?? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."
"Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man???"
"The one that destroyed your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle??!!"
"Yes, Senor Rod."
"But there's electricity at the house!! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor Rod."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"
"Your wife's, Senor Rod. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new TaylorMade Super Quad 460 golf club."
SILENCE........... LONG SILENCE.........
"Ernesto, if you broke that golf club, you're in deep trouble!!!"