• Outdoorsman!!!

    During my medical examination my doctor asked me about my physical activity level.

    I described a typical day this way: "Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk, about 7 miaDuring my medical examination my doctor asked me about my physical activity level.

    I described a typical day this way: "Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk, about 7 miles, through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes and I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank eight beers."

    Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"

    "No," I replied, "just a shitty golfer!"
  • Up To Par!!!

    Bill wasn't a very good golfer, but he sure dressed like one. He had a wicked slice that prevented him from ever reaching the green in two strokes, but on the day of the company golf tournament, no one could deny that he looked pretty sharp on the tee. That day, as usual, Bill sent his first drive deep into the woods.

    "You'll never hit it out of there," his friends insisted.

    "As God is my witness, I'm gonna make the green in two if it kills me," Bill replied.

    With that, he smacked the ball as hard as he could. It hit the tree in front of him and came straight back, and hit him right between the eyes and he died.

    When Bill appeared at the pearly gates, St. Peter looked at him and said, "Well, I can see by your outfit that you're a golfer! Are you any good?"

    Bill replied, "I got here in two, didn't I?"
  • My Wife Won't Like it...

    One day I accidentally overturned my golf cart. Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer who lived in a villa on the golf course we were living at in Sarasota, heard the noise and called out, "Are you okay, what's your name?"

    "It's Jack, and I'm OK thanks," I replied.

    "Jack, forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later."

    "That's mighty nice of you," I answered," but I don't think my wife would like it."

    "Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted.

    She was very pretty and persuasive.

    "Well okay," I finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won't like it."

    After a restorative brandy, and some driving and putting lessons, I thanked my host, "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset"

    "Don't be silly!` Elizabeth said with a smile, "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

    "Under the cart...!!!!" I said.
  • Blind Golfers!

    A priest, a doctor and a lawyer were playing golf together one morning, but were stuck behind a particularly slow group. All three were complaining about how long the group were taking on each hole. Finally they spotted the green keeper, so they decided to have a word with him.

    "That's a group of blind firefighters," explained the green keeper. "They lost their sight while saving our clubhouse last year. So we let them play here any time free of charge."

    The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I'll say a special prayer for them tonight."

    The doctor said, "That's a good idea. And I'm going to consult all my textbooks to see if there isn't anything that can be done for them."

    The lawyer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
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