|A judge was instructing the jury that because a witness changed his statement after giving it to the police, he should not necessarily be regarded as untruthful.|
"For example," the judge said, "when I entered my chambers today, I was certain that I had my gold watch in my pocket, then I remembered that I had left it on my nightstand in my bedroom."
When the judge arrived home that evening, his wife asked, "Why so much urgency for your watch? Don't you think sending three men to pick it up for you was a bit extreme?"
"What?" exclaimed the judge. "I didn't send anyone for my watch, let alone three people. What did you do?"
"I gave it to the first one," replied his wife, "after all, he knew exactly where it was."
|A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light. The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!|
So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.
The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.
When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to The 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.
The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole!"
Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.
On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.
Under cross examination the defense attorney asks, "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"
Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."
Lawyer, "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"
"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."
"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"
"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."
"Aggressive and hostile?"
"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for asshole?"
"Well, sir, you know your client better than I do."
How often can one get an attorney to incriminate his own client?
|A violent tropical storm enveloped a sailing yacht off the southern coast of Florida lasting all night and most of the next morning. As the sky cleared and the seas calmed, the people on the yacht realized they were grounded on a coral reef about a mile from shore in shark infested waters.|
Most of those aboard the yacht were badly injured from their ordeal. The only able bodied that were on board were a doctor, a priest, and a lawyer.
The doctor says, "Someone is going to have to swim ashore and get some help. I would volunteer but most of the crew and passengers are in pretty bad shape and I am needed here to care for them."
The priest replies, "I would volunteer to go also but I might be needed to comfort the injured or perform last rights."
The lawyer says, "No problem."
He immediately strips off his shirt and dives into the shark infested water. There is a great turbulence in the water and then the doctor and priest notice that all of the sharks have formed a double line from the yacht to the beach allowing the lawyer to swim between them.
"My Goodness," says the priest. "It is a miracle!"
The doctor looking at the lawyer swimming to shore says, "No, Father. It is not a miracle. It's professional courtesy!"
|A lawyer had a wife and 12 children and needed to move, as his rental agreement was coming to an end forthe home where he lived, but was having difficulty in finding a new home.|
When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they knew that the children would destroy the home. He could not say that he had no children, he could not lie, after all, lawyers cannot and do not lie.
So, he had an idea - he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 children. He took the remaining one with him to see homes with the real estate agent.
He liked one of the homes and the agent asked, "How many children do you have ?"
He answered, "12 children."
The agent asked, "And where are they now?"
The lawyer answered, with a sad look, "11 of them are in the cemetery with their mother."
And that is the way he was able to rent a home for his family without lying.
Moral: it is not necessary to lie, one only has to choose the right words. Lawyers don't lie... They are great!!!