• The Lawyer and St. Peter… incongruous ?

    The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins:
    1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were guilty,
    2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high,
    3) Overcharging fees to many clients,
    4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a controversial case.
    The list goes on for quite a while. The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these things, but argues, "Wait, I have done some charity also in my life."
    St. Peter looks in his book and says, "Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?"
    The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, "Yes."
    St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, "Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell."
  • Fire and floods...

    A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean.
    The lawyer said, "I`m here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."
    "That`s quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I`m here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."
    The lawyer puzzedly asked, "How do you start a flood?"
  • Contribution!

    An attorney was asked to make a contribution to a worthwhile charity.
    His response was, "I guess you hadn`t heard, my mother is suffering from a terminal illness and she has medical bills which far exceed her income. My brother is a disabled combat veteran. He is not only blind, but is in a wheelchair and he has to take ten different medicines a day. My sister is the only parent of three children since her husband died without life insurance. She has no college and scrubs floors for a living. My wife is in a mental ward, and may never get out. My only child was in a drug rehabilitation program, but he left and no one can find him."
    Before he could get his breath and continue on, the fundraiser thought it wisest to end this and let the poor man alone.
    "You are correct, sir. I had no idea of your problems. Of course we can`t expect you to make a contribution with so many demands already on your income."
    The attorney nods and replies, "Exactly, why should I contribute to your organization when I don`t even give a single penny to my own family?"
  • Stupid instructions!

    In Oregon, dead people are forbidden to serve on juries!
    And, actual packaging instructions:
    ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING: Product will be hot after heating.
    ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON: Do not iron clothes on body.
    ON BOOTS CHILDREN S COUGH MEDICINE: Do not drive car or operate machinery.
    ON NYTOL (A SLEEPING AID): Warning: May cause drowsiness.
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