• Liars or Lawyers

    A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party.

    "What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked.

    "Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer. "What do you do?"

    The minister replied, "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but instead I said 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go."
  • Aggressive and Hostile

    A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light. The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!

    So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.

    The tirade goes on and on without the officer saying anything. When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for. The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole!"

    Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light. Under cross examination the defense attorney asks, "Officer, is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"

    Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

    Lawyer, "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"

    "Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an 'AH,' underlined."

    "What does the "AH" stand for, officer?" "Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

    "Aggressive and hostile?"

    "Yes, Sir."

    "Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for asshole ?"

    "Well, Sir, you know your client better than I do."
  • Solid Proof

    Morris went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he doesn't want to pay up. What should I do?"

    "Do you have any proof?" asked the lawyer.

    "Nope," Morris replied.

    "Okay, then write him a nasty letter asking him for the $1000 he owes you," said the lawyer.

    "But it's only $500," Morris insisted.

    "Precisely. That's what he will reply and we will then have the proof we need to nail him."
  • The Gold Watch

    The judge was instructing the jury that a witness was not necessarily to be regarded as untruthful because he changed his statement from one which he had previously made to the police.

    For example, he said, when I entered my chambers today, I was sure I had my gold watch in my pocket. But then I remembered that I left in on my nightstand in my bedroom.

    When the judge returned home, his wife asked him, Why so much urgency for your watch? Isnt sending three men to get it a bit extreme?

    What? said the judge, I didn't send anyone for my watch, let alone three people; what did you do?

    I gave it to the first one, said the wife. He knew exactly where it was.