• That's a thought

    A man accused of robbing a bank was tried for the final time and was found guilty.
    Just before he was taken away, the man looked the judge in the eye and said, "Would it be okay if I called you a son of a bitch?"
    The judge’s face went red and he roared, "It most certainly would not! I’d add another two years onto your sentence!"
    The defendant nodded and then asked, "Would it be okay if I THOUGHT you were a son of a bitch?"
    The judge was becoming very annoyed but replied, "Yes, I suppose that would be okay. I obviously have no control over your thoughts."
    The defendant smiled and said, "Well, in that case, judge, I think you are a son of a bitch!"
  • Cross-examine

    A small, uncertain, and nervous witness was being cross-examined.
    The lawyer thundered, "Have you ever been married?"
    "Yes, sir," said the witness in a low voice. "Once."
    "Whom did you marry?" the lawyer demanded.
    "Well, a woman," the witness answered timidly.
    The lawyer said angrily, "Of course you married a woman. Did you ever hear of anyone marrying a man?"
    And the witness said meekly, "My sister did."
  • Missing arm!

    A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the driver's side. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.
    Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.
    When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.
    "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."
    "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
    The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
    "Ahhh!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex!"
  • Bank robbery

    After two-week criminal trial in a very high profile bank robbery case, the jury finally ended its hours of deliberations and entered the courtroom to deliver its verdict to the judge.
    The judge turns to the jury foreman and asks, "Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?"
    "Yes we have, your honor," the foreman responded.
    "Would you please pass it to me,"
    The judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him.
    After the judge reads the verdict himself, he delivers the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman and instructs the foreman, "Please read your verdict to the court."
    "We find the defendant NOT GUILTY of all four counts of bank robbery," stated the foreman.
    The family and friends of the defendant jump for joy at the sound of the "not guilty" verdict and hug each other as they shout expressions of divine gratitude. The defendant`s attorney turns to his client and asks, "So, what do you think about that?"
    The defendant looks around the courtroom slowly with a bewildered look on his face and then turns to his defense attorney and says, "I`m real confused here. Does this mean that I have to give all the money back?"