• False Analogy

    False Analogy
    A man walks into a bar, and orders a drink.

    A few minutes later, he says to no one in particular, "All lawyers are assholes."

    The fellow next to him lit into him. "How dare you just stereotypically categorize all lawyers as assholes? How have you missed that it's just not okay to cast aspersions on an entire group of people? You just try saying something like that about any other group of people and you'd get slugged. And you should! If you weren't such a jerk, I'd pour my drink all over you, but you're not worth the cost of my drink."

    The fellow was properly abashed, and apologized. "Look, I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to offend you," he says, "By the way, what kind of lawyer are you?"

    "Lawyer? I'm no lawyer, you idiot. I'm an asshole!"
  • Up In Smoke

    Up In Smoke
    A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire, among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company.

    In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."

    The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued....and won!

    In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated, nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable "fire," and was obligated to pay the claim.

    Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."

    After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested !!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.
  • Hostile witness!

    At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness.
    "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted ten thousand rupees to compromise this case?"
    The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.
    "Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.
    The witness still did not respond.
    Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."
    "Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."
  • Smart idea...

    Two guys are driving through Alabama, when they get pulled over by a State Trooper. The Trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the Trooper smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver says, "Why`d you do that?"
    The trooper says, "You`re in Alabama, son. When I pull you over you`ll have your license ready."
    Driver says, "I`m sorry, officer, I`m not from around here."
    The trooper runs a check on the guy`s licence, and he`s clean. He gives the guy his licence back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the Trooper smacks him with the nightstick.
    The passenger says, "What`d you do that for?"
    The cop says, "Just making your wishes come true."
    The passenger says, "Huh?"
    The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you`re gonna say, `I wish that jerk would`ve tried that shit with me.`"