• The perfect substitute!

    The National Institutes of Health have announced that they will no longer be using rats for medical experimentation. In their place, they will use attorneys. They have given three reasons for this decision:
    1. There are now more attorneys than there are rats.
    2. The medical researchers don t become as emotionally attached to the attorneys as they did to the rats.
    3. No matter how hard you try, there are some things that rats won`t do.
  • Billing of a lawyer?

    A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit when he suddenly found himself at the Gates of Heaven. St. Peter started to escort him inside, when he began to protest that his untimely death had to be some sort of mistake.
    I`m much too young to die! I`m only 35!
    St. Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young to be entering the pearly gates, and agreed to check on his case.
    When St. Peter returned, he told the attorney, I`m afraid that the mistake must be yours, my son. We verified your age on the basis of the number of hours you ve billed to your clients, and you`re at least 108.
  • The entry to heaven!

    Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.
    St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."
    The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic."
    St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn t really need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder:
    "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he answered.
    "That s right! You may enter." St. Peter turned to the lawyer,
    "Name them."
  • The sane advice of a lawyer?

    Two guys, George and Harry, set out in a hot air balloon to cross the Atlantic ocean.
    After 37 hours in the air, George says Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are.
    Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover.
    George says, I still can t tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground.
    So Harry yells down to the man, Hey, pardon me but could you tell us where we are?
    The man on the ground yells back, you re in a balloon 100 feet up in the air.
    George turns to Harry and says, that man is a lawyer.
    How can you tell? inquires Harry.
    George answers, Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless.