• No lawyers please

    A Lawyer dies and goes to heaven. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter. "Hello mate," says St. Peter, "I`m sorry, no Lawyers in heaven."
    "What?" exclaims the man, astonished.
    "You heard, no Lawyers."
    "But, but, but, I`ve been a good man", replies the Lawyer.
    "Oh really", says St. Peter. "What have you done, then ?"
    "Well" said the guy, "Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 dollars to the starving children in Africa".
    "Oh" says St.Peter. "anything else?"
    "Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave 10 dollars to the homeless."
    "Hmmm. Anything else?" "Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 dollars to the Albanian orphans."
    "Okay", said St. Peter, "You wait here a minute while I have a word with the boss."
    Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns.
    He looks the bloke in the eye and says, "I`ve had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here`s your thirty dollars back, now take a hike!"
  • Beat me!

    One day a man was digging a hole to plant a tree in his back yard. After digging about 2 feet he hit a lamp, so he picked it up and brushed it off. Suddenly out popped a Genie who said he would grant him three wishes.
    "Great!" the man explained.
    "However," said the genie, "I must know who you hate the most."
    "I hate that lawyer down the street the most." the man said.
    "Well," said the genie, "whatever you wish for, the lawyer gets double that."
    Eager to get his wishing started, the man exclaimed, "I wish I had a billion dollars!"
    Poof! there was a million dollars next to him.
    "Now remember the lawyer has 2 million dollars," said the genie.
    Once again the man blurted out a wish impatiently. "I wish I had a Lemo and a driver!"
    Poof! Suddenly there was a Lemo and a driver in his driveway.
    "Remember, the lawyer has 2 Lemo's and 2 drivers." the genie said. "This is your final wish, make it a good one."
    After a long period of thought, the man grabbed his shovel and handed it to the genie. Then he exclaimed, "I wish you would beat me HALF to DEATH.
  • Smartest Man!

    A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.
    In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.
    Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.
    The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out. The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live."
    He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.
    The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."
    The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."
  • Alligator Woes

    Alligator Woes
    Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small one turns to the big one and says; I don't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids... I just don't get it."

    "Well," says the big alligator, "what have you been eating?"

    "Lawyers, same as you," replies the small alligator.

    "Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"

    "Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp."

    "Same here. How do you catch them?"

    "Well, I crawl under a car and wait for someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, bite'em, shake the s*** out of 'em, and eat'em!"

    "Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. See, by the time you get done shakin' the s*** out of a lawyer, there's nothing left but lips and a briefcase..."