• The entry to heaven!

    Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.
    St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."
    The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic."
    St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn t really need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder:
    "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he answered.
    "That s right! You may enter." St. Peter turned to the lawyer,
    "Name them."
  • The sane advice of a lawyer?

    Two guys, George and Harry, set out in a hot air balloon to cross the Atlantic ocean.
    After 37 hours in the air, George says Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are.
    Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover.
    George says, I still can t tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground.
    So Harry yells down to the man, Hey, pardon me but could you tell us where we are?
    The man on the ground yells back, you re in a balloon 100 feet up in the air.
    George turns to Harry and says, that man is a lawyer.
    How can you tell? inquires Harry.
    George answers, Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless.
  • Who`s smarter?

    A North Carolina man, having bought several expensive cigars, insured them against theft, loss, and fire.
    After he had smoked them, he then decided that he had a claim against the insurance company and filed.
    The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigar normally.
    The man sued. The judge stated that since the company had insured the cigars against fire, they were obligated to pay. After the man-accepted payment for his claim, the company then had him arrested... For arson.
  • The cost of a heart!

    Doctor tells a rich old man that he`s going to die if he doesn`t get a new heart soon. The old man tells the doctor to search the world for the best heart available, money is no problem.
    A few days later the doctor calls the old man and says he has found three hearts but they are all expensive. The old man reminds the doctor that he is filthy rich and implores him to tell him about the donors they came from.
    Well" the first one belonged to 22 year old marathon runner, never smoked, ate only the most healthy foods, was in peak condition when he was hit by a bus. No damage to the heart, of course. But it costs $100,000.
    The old man, waving off the last part about the cost, asks the doctor to tell him about the second donor.
    This one belonged to a 16 year old long-distance swimmer, high school kid. Lean and mean. Drowned when he hit his head on the side of the pool. That heart will set you back $150,000.
    Okay, said the old man, what about the third heart?
    Well, this one belonged to a 58 year-old man, smoked three packs of cigarettes a day, weighed over 300 pounds, never exercised, drank like a fish... this heart is going for $500,000!!!
    Five-hundred grand ?!?! , the old man exclaimed, why so expensive?
    Well, said the doctor, this heart belonged to a lawyer... so it was never used!