|A woman was suing a man for defamation of character, charging that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.|
After the trial, he asked the Judge, "Does this mean that I can't call Miss Stuart a pig?"
The Judge said that was accurate.
"Does this also mean that I can't call a pig 'Miss Stuart'?" the man asked.
The Judge told the man that he could indeed call a pig 'Miss Stuart' with no fear of legal action.
The man then looked Miss Stuart directly in the eye and said, "Good afternoon, Miss Stuart!"
|Job Applicant: I'm looking for a job as a consultant.|
Employer: I'm sorry, we already have enough consultants.
Applicant: That's ok, with my experience, I can be an advisor.
Employer: More than we can use already.
Applicant, as he is getting desperate: I'm not proud, I can do paperwork, I'll be a clerk. If you have too many, I'll start as a janitor.
Employer: It just doesn't seem that we have any openings for a person with your qualifications.
Applicant, as he stands up and angrily yells, Work for you? I'd have to be a low life, belly crawling, double dealing jerk!
Employer: Well, you didn't say you were an attorney, have a seat, we may have an opening.
|A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"|
"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a Safe Driver Award. Congratulations, what do you think you're going to do with the prize money?"
He thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."
The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him, he's a smartass when he's drunk and stoned."
The guy from the back seat said, "I told you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"
|A guy phones a law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer."|
The receptionist says, "I’m sorry, but your lawyer died last week."
The next day the same guy phones the law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer."
Once again the receptionist replies, "I’m sorry, but your lawyer died last week."
The next day the guy makes his regular call to the law firm and say, "I want to speak to my lawyer."
"Excuse me sir," the receptionist says, "but this is third time I’ve had to tell you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"
The guy replies, "Because I love hearing it!"