• Little Johnny Gets Cultured

    Little Johnny was at the mall with his mother when a man came walking toward them.

    Little Johnny hopped up and down, laughed, pointed, and screamed, "Mommy! Look at that bowlegged man!"

    His mother was so embarrassed. "Johnny, your manners are atrocious! You need some culture, young man!"

    For the next month Little Johnny was forced to read Shakespeare every night. When his detention was finally over, she again took him to the same mall and sure enough, the same bowlegged man came walking toward them.

    Had Little Johnny learned anything from the great bard? Yes.

    This time, as the man approached, Little Johnny cried out, "Hark! What manner of man is this me sees, who wears his balls in parentheses?"
  • Call of Nature

    One day during school, a 2nd grade teacher was in the middle of a math lesson.

    Suddenly a little girl named Susie stood up and yelled, "Teacher, teacher! Can I go to the potty, I have to pee!"

    The teacher calmly replied, "Susie, we don't say 'pee,' we say 'number one.' Yes, you may go."

    A few minutes later a little boy named Billy stood up, started jumping up and down yelling, "Teacher! Can I go to the bathroom? I really gotta poop!"

    The teacher firmly replied, "Billy, we don't say 'poop,' we say 'number two.' Go ahead."

    About half an hour later Little Johnny, who had been listening to what she said, stood up and yelled, "Teacher, Teacher! Give me a number quick, cause I really gotta fart!"
  • The Children of Israel

    "Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Johnny, "there's something I can't figure out."

    "What's that, Johnny?" asked Goldblatt.

    "Well, according to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"


    "And the Children of Israel beat up the Phillistines, right?"

    "Er, right."

    "And the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"

    "Again you're right."

    "And the Children of Israel fought the Egyptians, and the Children of Israel fought the Romans, and the Children of Israel were always doing something important, right?"

    "All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt. "So what's your question?"

    "What were all the grown-ups doing?"
  • Winnie the Pooh?

    A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.

    "You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them.

    She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.

    "I went to visit my Nana."

    "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!"

    She then asked Mitchell what he had done.

    "I took a ride on a choo-choo."

    She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words."

    She then asked Little Johnny what he had done.

    "I read a book," he replied.

    "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

    Little Johnny thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Shit."