• The Children of Israel

    "Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Johnny, "there's something I can't figure out."

    "What's that, Johnny?" asked Goldblatt.

    "Well, according to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"

    "Right."

    "And the Children of Israel beat up the Phillistines, right?"

    "Er, right."

    "And the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"

    "Again you're right."

    "And the Children of Israel fought the Egyptians, and the Children of Israel fought the Romans, and the Children of Israel were always doing something important, right?"

    "All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt. "So what's your question?"

    "What were all the grown-ups doing?"
  • Winnie the Pooh?

    A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.

    "You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them.

    She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.

    "I went to visit my Nana."

    "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!"

    She then asked Mitchell what he had done.

    "I took a ride on a choo-choo."

    She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words."

    She then asked Little Johnny what he had done.

    "I read a book," he replied.

    "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

    Little Johnny thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Shit."
  • Using a Bedpan

    Little Johnny's dad was a farmer in a poor district of the country. One day his Uncle Abner came to visit. Since there were limited accommodations, he was required to sleep with his young nephew, Little Johnny.

    When Uncle Abner came into the bedroom, he saw Little Johnny kneeling at the side of the bed with his head bowed. Thinking this was the child's religious upbringing, he decided to present a good example and kneeled at the other side of the bed with his head bowed.

    Little Johnny looked up and said, "Whatcha doin'?"

    "Why... The same thing you're doing," replied Uncle Abner.

    "Ma's gonna be mad," said Little Johnny.

    "Why will she be mad?" asked Uncle Abner.

    "Because the bed pan's on this side!" responded Little Johnny.
  • Example of Tragedy

    Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings. The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word "tragedy".

    So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that'd be a tragedy."

    "Not quite," says Mr. Trump, "that would be an accident."

    A little girl raises her hand, "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

    "I'm afraid not," explained the president. "That's what we would call a great loss."

    The room goes silent. Trump searches the room, "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

    Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raises his hand.

    In a quiet voice he says, "If Air Force One, carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens; that would be a tragedy."

    "Fantastic!" exclaimed Mr. Trump. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

    "Well', said little Johnny, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss and probably wouldn't be an accident either."