• Cleaning Chickens

    Third grade teacher Miss Crabtree said to little Johnny, "You're late again, Johnny, for the third time this month."

    Little Johnny said, "It's not my fault, Miss Crabtree. The reason I'm three hours late is because my Daddy sleeps naked."

    Now Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some years. She asked little Johnny what he meant, despite her mounting fears. Little Johnny and trouble were old friends, but he always told the truth.

    Johnny said, "Miss Crabtree, we have a coyote that's been coming to our ranch. The past few nights it killed and ate three hens and it also killed Mom's best milk goat!"

    Little Johnny went on, "Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken coop, he grabbed his shotgun and told Mom that th\he coyote was back and he was going to get him! He told all us kids to stay back!"

    Johnny continued, "There he was, naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants and no shirt! He crawled right up to the chicken coop and stuck that double barrel right through the window."

    Little Johnny said, "As he stared into the dark coop with the coyote on his mind, our old hound dog, Buddy, snuck up behind Daddy. Then as we all looked on plumb helpless; old Buddy stuck his cold nose in Daddy's crack!

    "Miss Crabtree, we all been cleanin` chickens since three o'clock this morning!"
  • Little Johnny and Perhaps

    A school teacher asked her students to make a sentence containing the expression "I presume".

    One little girl held up her hand and said, "Yesterday my mother hand washed the dinner dishes and I presumed that the dishwasher was broken."

    "Very good" said the teacher.

    Another one said, "This morning, my father drove the Volkswagen out of the garage, I presume that the BMW wouldn't start."

    "That's excellent," says the teacher.

    Little Johnny at the back of the classroom gets up and says, "Yesterday I saw grandpa leave the house with a newspaper under his arm and headed for the bush, I presume that......."

    The teacher interrupted him and said, "I stopped you because you have no idea what your grandfather was going to do, so you can't presume anything."

    Johnny says, "Please Teacher, let me finish my sentence."

    The teacher says, "Very well. Continue."

    "As I was saying, I saw my grandpa heading for the bush with a newspaper under his arm. I presume he was going for a crap because he can't read."
  • Shopping With Grandma

    Little Johnny and his grandmother were shopping in a department store.

    Little Johnny wanted to go to the toy department, but grandmother said that they had to stop in the ladies clothing department first. He obviously couldn't wait that long, and the next time his grandmother turned around he was gone.

    She panicked and looked everywhere for him, but he had disappeared. Finally she went to the customer service desk, intending to have them announce his name over the PA system. To her relief he was already there waiting for her.

    The woman at the desk said, "He wanted us to announce your name over the PA system, but he didn't know what your name was. We asked him what his daddy called you, and he replied 'mom', next we asked him what Grandpa called you and he replied 'Sugar'.

    "We were almost out of questions for him when another lady suggested that your daughter-in-law might call you by your first name.

    "We were so happy to see you show up at the desk," she continued, "because when we asked him what his mommy called you, we were out of ideas!"

    "Well," asked Little Johnny's grandmother curiously, "What did he say?"

    "He said," she replied, "that his mother called you 'THE B-TCH'!"
  • I Presume

    A school teacher asked her students to make a sentence containing the expression "I presume."

    One little girl held up her hand and said, "Yesterday my mother hand washed the dinner dishes and I presumed that the dishwasher was broken."

    "Very good," said the teacher.

    Another one said, "This morning, my father drove the Volkswagen out of the garage, I presume that the BMW wouldn't start."

    "That's excellent," says the teacher.

    Little Johnny at the back of the classroom gets up and says, "Yesterday I saw grandpa leave the house with a newspaper under his arm and headed for the bush, I presume that......."

    The teacher interrupted him and said, "I stopped you because you have no idea what your grandfather was going to do, so you can't presume anything."

    Johnny says, "Please Teacher, let me finish my sentence."

    The teacher says, "Very well. Continue."

    "As I was saying, I saw my grandpa heading for the bush with a newspaper under his arm. I presume he was going for a crap because he can't read."