• Birthday Gift

    A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

    "Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."

    So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

    Services will be at Downing Funeral Home on Monday the 9th. Due to the condition of the body, this will be a closed casket service.

    Please send your donations to the - "Think Before You Say Things To Your Wife Foundation"
  • Henpecked Husband

    At a dinner party the other night my wife tried to embarrass me by telling our guests about an argument that's been ongoing in our house hold.

    "Yes," she said smugly. "He's well trained, I have constantly reminded him to put the seat down after he's used the toilet and like a good little boy, he now does as he's told."

    They all started laughing at me then one of her friends turned to me and said, "Hha, totally pussy whipped aren't you!"

    "No not really," I replied calmly. "I'v just been pissing in the sink for the last 6 months."
  • A Different Father

    A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.

    The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?"

    The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed, "Yes. Yes he did." The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected.

    With a tear in his eye he asks, "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"

    Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.

    Then, finally, she says, "You."
  • Smart Wife

    Scene: A husband and wife watching an a Cricket match.

    After 5 minutes:
    Wife: Is this Imran Tahir ??

    Husband: No, this is Hashim Amla, Imran Tahir is a bowler.

    Wife: Okay, oh look, another wicket.

    Husband: No, this is just a replay of the last one.

    Wife: Hmm, looks like Austraila is going to win this one.

    Husband: It's India v/s South Africa!!

    Wife: How many runs they need to win now ??

    Husband: 72 runs in 36 balls.

    Wife: Just 72??? That's too easy, only 2 runs in 1 ball...

    Husband angrily turns off the TV.

    Wife Turns it on again and starts watching her favourite daily soap.

    Husband: Who is she ??

    Wife: Don't disturb me......