• Not Again!!!

    After four years of separation, my wife and I finally divorced amicably.

    I wanted to date again, but I had no idea of how to start, so I decided to look in the personals column of the local newspaper.

    After reading through all the listings, I circled three that seemed possible in terms of age and interest, but I put off calling them.

    Two days later, there was a message on my answering machine from my ex-wife.

    "I came over to your house to borrow some tools today and saw the ads you circled in the paper. Don't call the one in the second column. It's me."
  • Divorce Counselling

    A couple whose marriage was going on the rocks sought the advice of a marriage counsellor. The counsellor pleaded with them to patch up their quarrel, but they were adamant.

    "So," said the counsellor, "you know the consequences and you want to part. Remember this. You must divide your property equally."

    The wife flared up. "You mean the $4,000 I have saved up? I must give him half? My money?"

    "Yes," said the counsellor. "He gets $2,000. You get $2,000."

    "What about my furniture? I paid for that."

    "Same thing," answered the counsellor. "Your husband gets the bedroom and the living room; you get the dining room and the kitchen."

    There was a challenging gleam in the wife's eye.

    "What about our three children?"

    That stumped him. Shrewdly he assayed the situation, then he came up with a Solomonic answer, "Go back and live together until your fourth child is born. Then you take two children and your husband takes two."

    The wife shook her head. "No, I'm sure that wouldn't work out. If I depended on him, I wouldn't have the three I got."
  • 50th Wedding Anniversary

    A couple were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all grown and very successful, agreed to attend a Sunday dinner in their honor.

    "Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number One. "Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."

    "Not to worry," said the father. "The important thing is that we're all together today."

    Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you."

    "It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."

    Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and happy Anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."

    After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor, but despite this, we were able to save and send each of you to college. Also, we want to tell you that throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."

    The three children gasped and the daughter said, "You mean we're bastards?!?"
  • Christmas Divorce!

    A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, "I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

    "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

    "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her."

    Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.

    "Like hell they're getting divorced!" she shouts, "I'll take care of this!"

    She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow.Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

    The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wif, "Sorted! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way."
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