A young lady visited a computer dating service and requested, "I'm looking for a spouse. Can you please help me to find a suitable one?"
The matchmaker said, "What exactly are you looking for?"
"Well, let me see. Needs to be good looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour if I don't go out. Be able to tell me interesting stories when I need a companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest."
The matchmaker entered the information into the computer and, in a matter of moments, handed the result to the woman.
The result read, "Buy a television."
The Jealous husband: My wife, where are you?
Wife: At home love.
Husband: Are you sure?
Husband : Turn on the blender
Wife: (turns blender on) Rrrreeereeeereeee...
Husband: Ok my love goodbye.
Jealous husband: My wife, where are you?
Wife: At home love. Husband: Are you sure?
Husband: Turn on the blender.
Wife: (turns blender on) Rrreeereeeereeee...
Husband: Ok my love goodbye. The next day, the husband decides to go home without notice, and finds his son alone and he asked him, "Son where is your mother?"
Son: "I do not know, she went out with blender...
On their anniversary night, the husband sat his wife down in the den with her favorite magazine, turned on the soft reading lamp, slipped off her shoes, patted and propped her feet and announced that he was preparing dinner all by himself.
"How romantic!" she thought.
Two-and-a-half hours later, she was still waiting for dinner to be served. She tip-toed to the kitchen and found it a colossal mess. Her harried blonde husband, removing something indescribable from the smoking oven, saw her in the doorway.
"Almost ready!" he vowed. "Sorry it took me so long - I had to refill the pepper shaker."
"Why, honey, how long could that have taken you?"
"More'n an hour, I reckon. Wasn't easy stuffin' it through those dumb little holes."
A wealthy merchant of 84 married a 25 year old fashion model. They had a wonderful honeymoon in Switzerland but, unfortunately, the old boy suffered a coronary and was hospitalised.
When his young wife came to see him, the old man said, "Sweetheart, your future has been taken care of regardless of what happens to me. You will have an income of $250,000 a year, my home in Palm Springs, my ranch in Texas, my Mercedes. You'll never need to worry about money."
"Oh, sweetheart, please don't talk that way," his young wife exclaimed. "You've been so good to me already. If you go, I'll be devastated. Oh, there must be something I can do to help you. Please... tell me what I can do?"
"Well," the old man gasped, "you can quit pinching the inlet tube to my oxygen supply for starters."