• I Don't Understand Women

    I was going for a drink after work with some of my workmates. I telephoned the Missus and told her that I was working late.

    I got home at 1AM stumbling all over the place and fell into bed fully clothed.

    In the morning I was getting the cold shoulder from the Missus.

    She said to me, "I don't mind that you go out for a few drinks with your mates, what I DO mind is that you lied to me!!! We have to be honest in our relationship, no more lies, honesty is more important than anything else."

    That evening, we were going out for a meal with some friends and she was trying on various outfits.

    She asked me, "Does my bum look fat in this?"

    I'll never understand women!
  • Cheaper Solutions

    A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.

    The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.

    A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

    She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

    He answers, "You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper.
    "So, I figure if I have to roll my own... so does she."
  • The Best Dressed Mom

    Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement, not even her parents' nasty divorce.

    Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother of the bride ever!

    A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother! Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused.

    "Absolutely not, I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied.

    Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day."

    A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress.

    When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."

    Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding."
  • Who's The Boss?

    A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town. To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given.

    He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening.

    "Who's the boss around here?" he asked.

    "I am." said the man.

    "I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said, "which one would you like?"

    The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one."

    "No, no, no, get the brown one." the man's wife said.

    "Here's your chicken." said the farmer.