• Till Death Do Us Part

    When Joe, a nice man married for over 50 years died, his wife, Myrtle was devastated.

    A couple of months later, Myrtle also died. Once in heaven, Myrtle anxiously looked for Joe.

    Suddenly, behind a cloud, she could clearly see him with another woman.

    She ran towards him, calling his name, "Joe... Darling... Joe..."

    Joe said, "Hold your horses woman, and don't 'darling' me. The deal was very clear...'Till Death Do Us Part'!"
  • Chocolate Chip Cookies

    An old man was lying on his deathbed.

    With only hours to live, he suddenly smelt chocolate chip cookies wafting up from the kitchen. Driven on by his favourite smell, he somehow managed to pull himself out of bed, across the floor to the stairs, and slowly down the stairs to the kitchen.

    There, the old man's wife was baking chocolate chip cookies. With his last bit of energy, mustering everything he had left, he reached for a cookie only to get his hand slapped.

    "No," the wife snapped, "these are for the funeral!"
  • Where Have You Been???

    A convicted felon was given ten years without parole for his latest crime. After 2 years in jail, he managed to escape. His escape was the lead item on the six o'clock news.

    Because he had to be careful, he worked his way home taking little travelled routes, running across deserted fields and taking every precaution he could think of.

    Eventually he arrived at his house and he rang the bell. His wife opened the door and bellowed at him, "You good- for-nothing bastard! Where the hell have ya been? You escaped over six hours ago."
  • Key to a Happy Marriage

    For those of us "of a certain age" and for you youngsters, well, these days will come soon enough!

    Several days ago as I left a meeting I desperately gave myself a personal search. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

    Suddenly I realised I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the car park. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. His theory is that the car will be stolen.

    As I scanned the car park I came to a terrifying conclusion! His theory was right. The car park was empty.

    I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all, to my husband's mobile.

    "Hello My Love," I stammered; I always call him "My Love" in times like these. "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."

    There was a long period of silence. I thought the call had disconnected, but then I heard his voice.

    He barked, "I dropped you off!"

    Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, please come and get me."

    He retorted, "I will, as soon as I can convince this policeman I have not stolen your car."

    This is what they call, "a senior moment."