• Anniversary Gift

    Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.

    She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

    The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

    Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house.

    She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

    Bob has been missing since Sunday.
  • Who's The Boss?

    Prior to taking retirement and selling off his land, a farmer needed to get rid of all the animals he owned, so he decided to call on every house in his village. At houses where the man was the boss, he gave a horse; at houses where the woman was the boss, he gave a chicken.

    Approaching one cottage, he saw a couple gardening and called out, "Who's the boss around here?"

    "I am," said the man.

    The farmer said, "I have a black horse and a brown horse. Which one would you like?"

    The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one."

    "No, no, get the brown one," said his wife.

    The farmer said, "Here's your chicken."
  • Don't Mess With Engineers

    An Engineer and his wife were always fighting with each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

    The woman would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up, out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life..."

    Neighbours feared her and the woman liked the fact that she was feared.

    To everyone's relief, she died of a heart attack when she was 58. Her husband had a closed casket at the wake.

    After the burial, Engineer went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow.

    His neighbours, concerned for his safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that she may indeed be able to dig her way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life??"

    The Engineer put down his drink and said, "Let her dig. I had her buried upside down." These Engineers... I tell you... They think of everything.
  • Upset Wife

    Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the night before.

    The first man signed to his friend, "My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble."

    The second deaf man signed back, "Boy, you're lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me heck for being out so late."

    The first deaf man asked, "So, what did you do?"

    The second deaf man signed, "I turned out the light!"