• The Married Cold

    The Seven Stages of the Married Cold: A husband's reactions to his wife's colds during seven years of marriage. The seven stages are as follows:

    Stage 1: Sugar Dumpling, I've really been worried about my baby girl. That's a bad sniffle, and there's no telling about these things with all the strep that's going around. I'm going to put you in the hospital for a general check-up and a good rest. I know the food's terrible, but I'm going to bring you dinner every night from Rosini's. I have it all arranged with the floor supervisor.

    Stage 2: Listen, Darling, I don't like the sound of that cough. I'm going to call Doc Miller to rush over here. Now you go to bed like a good girl just for Papa.

    Stage 3: Maybe you'd better lie down, Honey. Nothing like a little rest when you feel lousy. I'll bring you something. Do we have any canned soup?

    Stage 4: Now look, Dear, be sensible. After you've fed the kids, and gotten the dishes done, and the floor mopped, you'd better lie down for a while.

    Stage 5: Why don't you take a couple of aspirins?

    Stage 6: Why don't you just gargle or something instead of sitting around barking like a seal all evening?

    Stage 7: Would you stop coughing on me? Are you trying to give me pneumonia?
  • Overly Suspicious Wife

    Sam called his wife and said to her in a weak voice, "Hey baby, I was driving to a coffee shop to meet Mary when all of a sudden, a stray dog came in the way. I tried to steer left to avoid running it down, but the car skidded due to high speed, rolled over and almost ran off the cliff. The car was hanging nose down over the cliff, as I looked down fearing impending death.

    "I just managed to climb out of the car and save my life, just before the car fell over the cliff crashing thousands of feet below and was blown into smithereens."

    Sam continued, "I was taken to a hospital. I have a broken leg, broken jaw, dislocated shoulder and several injuries on my head."

    There was silence on the phone, then the wife asked, "Who is Mary?"
  • Truck For Sale

    A eighteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that truck???!!!"

    He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

    "With what money?" demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost.

    "Well," said the boy, "this one cost me just Fifty dollars."

    So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.

    "It was the lady up the street," said the boy. I don"t know her name - they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars."
    "Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."

    So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias!

    He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

    "Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he had run off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and needed cash, and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money. So I did."
  • Prescription Drug

    A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

    ¬ĚThe pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

    The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

    The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

    The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

    The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."