• Violent Wives

    A man left work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend, hunting with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

    When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife and was barraged for nearly 2 hours with a tirade about his actions.

    Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for 2 or 3 days?"

    To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

    Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went and he didn't see her.

    On Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
  • iPhone Trouble

    March was when my son celebrated his 15th birthday and I got him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn't?

    I celebrated my birthday in July and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.

    My daughter's birthday was in August so I got her an iPod Touch.

    September came by, so for my wife's birthday I bought her an iRon.

    It was around then that the fight started. What my wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean. This unfortunately activated the iBitch.

    Which led me to the iHospital and iGet out Tuesday.
  • Squat to Pee

    Tim and Nancy lived in Anchorage, Alaska. Right downtown. Their house was literally right downtown. But they had no indoor plumbing. They did, however, have an outhouse. The older Tim got, though, the further away it seemed to get.

    One night, he decided to just skip the trip. Instead, he decided to just relieve himself right there off the front porch.

    Nancy was pretty pissed about his decision. "Tim, you moron. Our neighbours can see you when you do that, you know."

    "It's dark out," said Tim, "they can't see me."

    "Of course they can," explained Nancy, "you're silhouetted against the porch light and they can tell what you're doing."

    He'd not given it THAT much thought, so he promised his wife he'd not do it again.

    Not too many nights later, though, it turned bitterly cold. Right in the middle of the night he had to piss like a race horse. He got up, put on his slippers, and headed out of the bedroom to do his business.

    He was back in two shakes (so to speak). His wife, suspicious as wives are apt to be, said, "You weren't gone very long."

    "That's right."

    "You went off the porch again, didn't you?"

    "Yes, I did."

    "We had a talk about this, remember? The neighbours can see you. They'll know it was you and what you were doing out there. Aren't you the least bit embarrassed?"

    "Naw, they won't know it's me! This time I was squatting down!"
  • Don't Jump to Conclusions

    At a wedding , the pastor asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom. It was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace.

    The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying a child.

    She started walking toward the pastor slowly.

    Everything quickly turned to chaos. The bride slapped the groom. The groom's mother fainted. The groomsmen started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation.

    The pastor asked the woman, "Can you tell us why you came forward? What do you have to say?"

    The woman replied, "We can't hear in the back."