Marriage Jokes

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Ex-Wife!!!

Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks.

"Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married, I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, hand loading, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns and boat."

Tim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

"There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife."

"Ex wife!", she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

"I wasn't! "

I Lost My Car Keys...

Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.

My wife has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion - Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty so I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; I always call her "honey" in times like these. "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard her voice.

"Idiot", she barked, "I dropped you off!" Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."

She retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car."

Before and After Marriage

BEFORE: You take my breath away.
AFTER: I feel like I'm suffocating.

BEFORE: She says she loves the way I take control of the situation.
AFTER: She called me a controlling, manipulative egomaniac.

BEFORE: He makes me feel like a million dollars.
AFTER: If I had a dime for every stupid thing he's done...

BEFORE: The Sound of Music.
AFTER: The Sound of Silence.

BEFORE: It's like I'm in a dream.
AFTER: It's like he's in a dorm.

BEFORE: We agree on everything!
AFTER: Doesn't she have a mind of her own?

BEFORE: Charming and Noble.
AFTER: Chernobyl.

BEFORE: Ideal.
AFTER: Idle.

BEFORE: I love a woman with curves.
AFTER: I never said you were fat.

BEFORE: He's completely lost without me.
AFTER: Why won't he ever ask for directions?

BEFORE: Time stood still.
AFTER: This relationship is going nowhere.

BEFORE: Blind.
AFTER: Nearsighted.

BEFORE: You look so seductive in black.
AFTER: Your clothes are so depressing.

BEFORE: I can hardly believe we found each other.
AFTER: I can't believe I ended up with someone like you.

Breaking Up!

George went over to his fiancee's house and sadly told his girlfriend the wedding was off. He was going to marry another woman.

His girlfriend was distraught. She asked, "How can you choose another woman over me? Is she a better cook?"

"Not on her best days, she can't match your everyday cooking."

"Does she buy you gifts like I do, the electronic toys that please men so much.?"

"She can't buy me anything. She has no job and no money."

"Then she must be beautiful and hotter! Is she that much better than me?"

"No, you are fantastic."

"Then what can this woman possibly do better than me that you want to marry her?"

"She can sue me for child support."

Quotes

People run from rain but sit in bathtubs full of water.

Trivia

Interracial marriage was banned in South Africa from 1949 to 1985 (36 years) - It was banned in the U.S. from 1691-1967 (276 years).

Graffiti

If it weren't for the rains, people would be all dry.