• The Hardest Thing

    A henpecked man got tired of his wife constantly picking on him, so he started playing poker on Friday nights with his buddies just to get some relief. After he came home she'd start right in on him again.

    After several weeks went by, he came home early one Friday night about 9:30. His wife asked him how come he was home early.

    He told her, "You need to pack your bags and go to Herb's house, I lost you to him in the card game tonight."

    His wife became furious and started to give him hell. She said, "Just how could you do such a thing!?"

    He replied, "It was the hardest thing I've ever done... I had to fold with four aces."
  • I'm Really Flucky

    An elderly Jewish man is bumped by a car while crossing the street. He is seemingly unhurt, but his wife persuades him to go to the doctor, just in case.

    He returns home, and his wife says, "Nu, vos zogt der doktor?" ["So? What did the doctor say?"]

    "Der doktor zogt az ich hob a flucky." ["The doctor says I have a flucky."]

    "Oy, gevalt! A flucky! Terrible! What do you do for a flucky?"

    "I don't know -- he didn't say, and I forgot to ask."

    Well, by this time the wife is in a state of high anxiety.

    She tells her neighbors, "My husband was hit by a car, and now he has a flucky! I don't know what to do!"

    Neighbor #1 says, "In the old country, when someone had a flucky, we always applied cold. Cold is the best thing for a flucky."

    Neighbor #2 says, "What are you talking about? Cold is absolutely the worst thing you could do for a flucky! We always applied heat, that's the only thing to do for a flucky."

    Cold, heat! Oy! Now thoroughly agitated, the wife decides to call the doctor herself.

    "Doctor, please tell me, what's wrong with my husband?"

    "I told him... nothing's wrong. He got OFF LUCKY!"
  • Disappearing Husband

    John and Mary were having dinner in a very fine restaurant.

    Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that John was ever so slowly, silently sliding down his chair and under the table, while Mary acted quite unconcerned.

    Their waitress watched as John slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.

    Still, Mary appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that John had disappeared under the table.

    After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

    The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "Oh, no he didn't. In fact, my husband just walked in the front door."
  • If I Die First

    Now that they are retired, my mother and father are discussing all aspects of their future.

    `What will you do if I die before you do?` Dad asked Mom.

    After some thought, she said that she'd probably look for a house sharing situation with three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her age.

    Then Mom asked Dad, "What will you do if I die first?"

    He replied, "Probably the same thing."