• Household Chores

    One afternoon a man came home from work to find total chaos in his house...

    ...all three children were outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers thrown all about the front yard. The door to the wife's car was thrown open and also the house front door. Once inside it got worse and he found an even bigger mess.

    A lamp had been knocked over and the carpet was in a heap against one wall. Television blaring and tuned to the cartoon channel, family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. Dishes in the kitchen were poled high in the sink, breakfast food was splattered on the table, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass was under the table and a small pile of dirt lay piled up by the back door.

    He ran up the stairs, stepping over toys and other piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried that she might be ill, or worse!!!

    He found her lounging in the bedroom, still in her pyjamas and quietly reading a novel.

    She smiled, looked up at him and asked how his day went.

    He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What the hell happened here today"?

    She again smiled and answered, "You know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?"

    "Yes," he replied reluctantly.

    She answered, "Well; today I didn't do it!!!!!"
  • Goodbye Mother-in-law

    A couple was going out for the evening to celebrate their anniversary. The taxi arrived, and, just as they started out the door, their dog shot back into the house. They didn't want the dog shut inside all night, so the wife went out to the taxi while the husband took care of the dog.

    The wife, not wanting it known that their home would be empty all evening, explained to the driver, "My husband will be here in a moment. He's just saying good-bye to my mother."

    When the breathless husband finally climbed into the cab, he said, "Sorry I took so long, but I had to poke that stupid bitch with a coat hanger to get her to come out from under the bed! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the backyard!"

    The silence in the cab was deafening.
  • The Married Cold

    The Seven Stages of the Married Cold: A husband's reactions to his wife's colds during seven years of marriage. The seven stages are as follows:

    Stage 1: Sugar Dumpling, I've really been worried about my baby girl. That's a bad sniffle, and there's no telling about these things with all the strep that's going around. I'm going to put you in the hospital for a general check-up and a good rest. I know the food's terrible, but I'm going to bring you dinner every night from Rosini's. I have it all arranged with the floor supervisor.

    Stage 2: Listen, Darling, I don't like the sound of that cough. I'm going to call Doc Miller to rush over here. Now you go to bed like a good girl just for Papa.

    Stage 3: Maybe you'd better lie down, Honey. Nothing like a little rest when you feel lousy. I'll bring you something. Do we have any canned soup?

    Stage 4: Now look, Dear, be sensible. After you've fed the kids, and gotten the dishes done, and the floor mopped, you'd better lie down for a while.

    Stage 5: Why don't you take a couple of aspirins?

    Stage 6: Why don't you just gargle or something instead of sitting around barking like a seal all evening?

    Stage 7: Would you stop coughing on me? Are you trying to give me pneumonia?
  • Overly Suspicious Wife

    Sam called his wife and said to her in a weak voice, "Hey baby, I was driving to a coffee shop to meet Mary when all of a sudden, a stray dog came in the way. I tried to steer left to avoid running it down, but the car skidded due to high speed, rolled over and almost ran off the cliff. The car was hanging nose down over the cliff, as I looked down fearing impending death.

    "I just managed to climb out of the car and save my life, just before the car fell over the cliff crashing thousands of feet below and was blown into smithereens."

    Sam continued, "I was taken to a hospital. I have a broken leg, broken jaw, dislocated shoulder and several injuries on my head."

    There was silence on the phone, then the wife asked, "Who is Mary?"