• The Naughty Husband

    A man walked into a therapists office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."

    "What's the problem?" the doctor inquired.

    "Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."

    "My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."

    The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office excited.

    Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.

    "Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.

    "It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."

    "So, what's your problem?"

    "I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."
  • Throw Yourself Into Work

    When Joe's wife ran away with his car, his money and his best friend, he got so depressed that his doctor sent him to see a psychiatrist.

    Joe told the psychiatrist his troubles and said, "Life isn't worth living. I think I'm gonna top myself."

    "Don't be stupid, Joe," said the psychiatrist. "My wife ran off and left me too, yet I'm happy."

    "How?" asked Joe.

    "Easy," replied the quack. "I threw myself into my work. I totally submerged myself in my job and soon forgot her. By the way, Joe, what work do you do?"

    "I clean out septic tanks," Joe replied.
  • Right or Left?

    A young air force officer had a very beautiful wife. Early each morning he left his house and went to the airport, and an hour later his wife always left the house too, with a big white towel, and went for a walk on the beach.

    Her husband always flew over every morning, and when she saw his aeroplane, she held the white towel high above her head. When her husband saw it, he made either the left wing or the right wing of his aeroplane go down.

    The left wing meant: I will be busy tonight and won't be home.

    The right wing meant: In eight hours I will be holding you in my arms.

    One morning he flew over with eight other aeroplanes, and his left wing went down. Before his wife had time to feel sad about this, all the other aeroplanes flew over, and each one of them turned its right wing down.
  • DNA Test

    After 10 years, the wife starts to think their child looks strange so she decides to do a DNA test.

    She finds out that the child is actually from completely different parents.

    Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.

    Husband: What's up?

    Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our child.

    Husband: Well you don't remember, do you? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had wet its diapers and you said, 'Please go change the baby, I'll wait for you here.'
    That's when I went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there.

    Moral: Never give a man a job that doesn't belong to him.