• Table Manners

    I saw my coworker Don Monday morning. I was about to ask him how his weekend went when I noticed his black eye. It was a real shiner.

    "What the hell happened to you? Were you mugged?" I asked.

    "Worse" Don said painfully.

    "Were you hit by a car? What happened?" I asked again.

    "Barb and I went to up to that Bed and Breakfast in Nevada City this weekend. We met Jill and Lorne there." he said.

    "Well? How did you get that black eye? How did you get those bruises on your arms? What about that cut over your other eye? Were you in an auto accident?" I asked, interrupting his story.

    I let Don finish his story. "Well, Sunday morning we were seated at the table with Jill and Lorne and a couple on their honeymoon. We were all having breakfast together. That honeymoon couple looked at each other with love in their eyes, when he turned to his new bride and asked 'Would you please pass the sugar, sugar'.

    "We all smiled and Barb had that look, you know the 'isn't that romantic' look women get.

    "Then Lorne said to Jill 'please pass the honey, honey.'

    "Barb gave a heavy sigh and looked at me. The last thing I remember before waking up in the emergency room was turning to Barb and saying 'Please pass the tea-bag'." Don explained.
  • Marriage Announcement

    "Mom, dad, sit down. I have something very important to tell you," said Samantha, upon her return home from college after graduation.

    "I met a guy who lives near the college that I really like and we decided we are going to get married!"

    "Oh Samantha! I am so happy for you!" gushed her mom giving, her a big hug. "I hope you two will be really happy together! I can't wait to meet him!"

    "Tell us more about him` said her dad, `does he have any money?"

    "Oh Dad! Is that all you men ever think about? That was the first question he asked me about you too!"
  • I'm Outta Here

    A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you...don't bother coming after me." Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

    After a short while the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

    After a few minutes he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone... "She's finally gone... yeah I know, about bloody time. I'm coming to see you, yeah... Right Now.. put on that sexy french nightie. I love you... can't wait to see you..."

    He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.

    She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed.

    Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote...

    The note read, "I can see your feet under the bed. We're outta beer. Be back in five minutes. Love You!"
  • He Knows You

    A senior couple pulls up to a gas station:

    Attendant: How may I help you?

    Old Man: Please fill it up.

    Old Lady: What did he say?

    Old Man [yelling]: He asked what we wanted and I told him to fill it up.

    Attendant: So, where are you heading?

    Old Man: To Chicago to see our Grandchildren.

    Old Lady: What did he say?

    Old Man [yelling]: He asked where we're going. I told him we're going to see the Grand kids.

    Attendant: It sure is a nice day for a drive.

    Old Man: Yes, it's been quite pleasant.

    Old Lady: What did he say?

    Old Man: He said its good weather.

    Attendant: Where are you coming from?

    Old Man: We started our trip from Pittsburgh.

    Old Lady: What did he say?

    Old Man: He asked where we're from and I said Pittsburgh.

    Attendant: I dated a girl from Pittsburgh once. She talked a lot and was lousy in bed.

    Old lady: What did he say?

    Old Man: He says he knows you!