• He Knows You

    A senior couple pulls up to a gas station:

    Attendant: How may I help you?

    Old Man: Please fill it up.

    Old Lady: What did he say?

    Old Man [yelling]: He asked what we wanted and I told him to fill it up.

    Attendant: So, where are you heading?

    Old Man: To Chicago to see our Grandchildren.

    Old Lady: What did he say?

    Old Man [yelling]: He asked where we're going. I told him we're going to see the Grand kids.

    Attendant: It sure is a nice day for a drive.

    Old Man: Yes, it's been quite pleasant.

    Old Lady: What did he say?

    Old Man: He said its good weather.

    Attendant: Where are you coming from?

    Old Man: We started our trip from Pittsburgh.

    Old Lady: What did he say?

    Old Man: He asked where we're from and I said Pittsburgh.

    Attendant: I dated a girl from Pittsburgh once. She talked a lot and was lousy in bed.

    Old lady: What did he say?

    Old Man: He says he knows you!
  • Anger Management!

    A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.

    The doctor asks, "So what seems to be the problem?"

    The woman says, "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason at all. It's starting to scare me."

    The Doctor tells her, "I think I have just the cure for that. When it seems your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish, and swish, but don't swallow it until he leaves the room or decides to go to bed."

    Two weeks later, the woman returns, looking fresh and reborn. The woman says, "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started to lose it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?!"

    The Doctor informs her, "The water itself does nothing. It's having to keep your mouth shut that does the trick."
  • Life Insurance!

    Sarah and Abe are out celebrating their 20th wedding anniversary. During the evening, Sarah broaches the subject of (their) life insurance, an issue she has been raising with him for at least 10 years, without success.

    "Abe," she says, with tears in her eyes, "I don't think you love me."

    "Why do you think that?" he asks.

    "Because if you really loved me, you would ensure that if anything happened to you, God forbid, I would be properly provided for."

    "Sarah," he says angrily, "I need life insurance like I need a hole in the head."

    "I know your views," says Sarah, "but I've spoken to two of my friends recently and they tell me that their husbands have life insurance and they're not as rich as you. If it's good enough for them, why isn't it good enough for you?"

    "I'll tell you why," replies Abe. "It's because they've been paying high premiums month after month, and what have they got so far in return? Nothing!"

    "So what if their husbands have been paying for nothing?" says Sarah. "You've always told me I'm luckier than my friends - who knows, maybe this time I'll strike it rich."
  • Medical Prescription

    Jane walked into a pharmacy, strolled over to the counter, and caught the pharmacist's attention.

    "Can I please get some arsenic?" she asked.

    "Arsenic? What do you want arsenic for?" asked the pharmacist.

    "It's for my husband," she replied.

    "Your husband?" exclaimed the pharmacist, "I hope you don't mean what I think you mean!"

    She just nodded. "Well, lady," he replied, "I'm an honest man. I can't sell you arsenic, I wouldn't if I could, and I don't know what made you think you could just stroll into a respectable store and expect me me to sell you arsenic!"

    She didn't say a word. She just reached into her purse, fished out a photograph, and handed it across the counter. It was a picture of her husband, in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

    Slowly the pharmacist looks up, over the counter, and then straight at her. "Lady," he said, "why didn't you tell me you had a prescription?"