• Upset Wife

    Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the night before.

    The first man signed to his friend, "My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble."

    The second deaf man signed back, "Boy, you're lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me heck for being out so late."

    The first deaf man asked, "So, what did you do?"

    The second deaf man signed, "I turned out the light!"
  • Cat Food

    A woman is enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening. "Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to really ticked if it's not ready on time."

    When she gets home, she realizes she doesn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up.

    She greets her husband and then watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband is really enjoying his dinner. "Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day."

    Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified. "You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.

    Two months later, her husband died. The women were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?"

    The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was licking his paws."
  • Butterfingers

    Tired from waiting for their overdue baby, a woman and her husband broke the monotony one night with a trip to the movies. She went inside to get seats while he bought popcorn and drinks in the lobby.
    Paying for the refreshments, the father-to-be knocked over his soda. The clerk mopped up the mess and refilled his cup. Rattled, he then joined his wife.

    Talking over the background music, he dramatically described his embarrassing episode. One of his expressive gestures upset the bucket of popcorn. He sheepishly headed back to the lobby.

    When he was out of earshot, the woman sitting next to the mother-to-be turned and said, "You're not going to let him hold the baby, are you?"
  • A Tricky Question

    A man is sitting on his front stoop staring morosely at the ground when his neighbor strolls over. The neighbor tries to start a conversation several times, but the older man barely responds. Finally, the neighbor asks what the problem is.

    "Well," the man says, "I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now I'm in the doghouse."

    "What kind of question?" the neighbor asks.

    "My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly."

    "That's easy," says the neighbor. "You just say, 'Of course I will'."

    "Yeah," says the other man, "that's what I MEANT to say. But what came OUT was, 'Of course I do'."