|A guy dials his home phone from work. A strange woman answers.|
The guy says, "Who is this?"
"This is the maid," answered the woman.
"We don't have a maid!"
"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."
"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
"Um...she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."
The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make 25,000 bucks?"
"What do I have to do?"
"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she is with."
The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by two gunshots.The maid comes back to the phone.
"What should I do with the bodies?"
"Throw them in the swimming pool!"
"What! There's no pool here?" "Uh... is this 2263841?"
|A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.|
The pharmacist said, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he said, “Lord, have mercy – I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license, they’ll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!”
The lady reached into her purse, and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture again and replied, “Well, now. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”
|Newlyweds, Tim and Nancy, spent their wedding night at a hotel.|
The following morning, Nancy's closest friend, Jennifer, came over and asked them how their wedding night went.
"I'm so exhausted," Nancy said. "All night long it was up and down, in and out, up and down, in and out."
Misunderstanding her, an embarrased Jennifer was shocked that Nancy would speak so crassly.
Tim clarified by adding, "Don't ever get a room next to an elevator!"
|Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.|
She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Wednesday.