• Being Late

    Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the night before.

    The first man signed to his friend, "My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble."

    The second deaf man signed back, "Boy, you're lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me heck for being out so late."

    The first deaf man asked, "So, what did you do?"

    The second deaf man signed, "I turned out the light!"
  • Marriage Advice

    At my granddaughter's wedding, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest.

    It turned out to be my husband and I.

    The DJ asked us, "What advice would you give to the newly-married couple?"

    I said, "The three most important words in a marriage are, 'You're probably right.'"

    Everyone then looked at my husband.

    He said, "She's probably right."
  • Rhyming Couplet

    A local daily ran a competition around Valentine's Day asking for a two line rhyme with the most romantic first line and the least romantic second line.

    Here are some of the best enteries:

    My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife,
    Marrying you messed up my life.

    I see your face when I am dreaming.
    That's why I always wake up screaming.

    Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
    everything you are not.

    I love your smile, your face and your eyes,
    Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

    My feelings for you, no words can tell,
    Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

    What inspired this amazing rhyme?
    A bottle of tequila, one part lime !
  • Skin Graft

    A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.

    So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

    The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

    After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

    One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

    She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

    "My darling," he replied, "Think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.