• Being Late

    Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the night before.

    The first man signed to his friend, "My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble."

    The second deaf man signed back, "Boy, you're lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me heck for being out so late."

    The first deaf man asked, "So, what did you do?"

    The second deaf man signed, "I turned out the light!"
  • Marriage Advice

    At my granddaughter's wedding, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest.

    It turned out to be my husband and I.

    The DJ asked us, "What advice would you give to the newly-married couple?"

    I said, "The three most important words in a marriage are, 'You're probably right.'"

    Everyone then looked at my husband.

    He said, "She's probably right."
  • Rhyming Couplet

    A local daily ran a competition around Valentine's Day asking for a two line rhyme with the most romantic first line and the least romantic second line.

    Here are some of the best enteries:

    My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife,
    Marrying you messed up my life.

    I see your face when I am dreaming.
    That's why I always wake up screaming.

    Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
    everything you are not.

    I love your smile, your face and your eyes,
    Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

    My feelings for you, no words can tell,
    Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

    What inspired this amazing rhyme?
    A bottle of tequila, one part lime !
  • Health Conscious!

    An elderly couple died in a car crash. She was 82 and he was 87 years old. While alive, the wife had always been very health conscious regarding what they ate.

    When they arrived at heaven they were shown to a luxurious accommodation. There was a garden and a professional standard golf course. At the far side of the golf course was the Club house serving free food and drinks 24 hours a day. The club also accomodated satellite TV, snooker tables and cabaret entertainment. A short stroll from the club house was a never-ending golden beach which was always well attended by lovely bronzed naked women.

    The man turned to his wife and said, "You dozy cow... if it wasn't for you and your bloody health food I could have been here 20 years ago!"