|Charlie was responsible for taking up the offerings at a local church. One Sunday, after the service, the priest counted the money and found there was less than anticipated, given the size of the congregation. He took Charlie aside and questioned him.|
Charlie said that he did not take any of the offerings.
The priest questioned him again and again and Charlie continued to insist that he did not take any of the offerings. So, the priest told Charlie to get into the confessional, which he did.
The priest then asked him again, "Charlie, did you take any of the offering?" This time, Charlie replied, "I can't hear you."
The priest asked Charlie the same question several times and Charlie would always reply, "I can't hear you."
Finally, the priest yelled, "CHARLIE, DID YOU TAKE ANY OF THE OFFERING?"
Again, the reply was, "I can't hear you."
The priest was now beginning to get angry, so he came out of the confessional and said to Charlie, "Trade places with me and you can ask me a question."
So, they traded places and Charlie asked, "Is it true that you and my wife are having an affair?"
To which the priest replied, "By golly, you can't hear in here!"
|A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."|
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.
She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you."
Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels.
She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.
She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he's up to 80 mph.
She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards, too."
The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"
The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need right here."
She asks, "What's that?"
The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag!"
|Then there was the guy who loved nothing better than to sit at nearby bar for long evenings and get stoned with his cronies.|
But his wife was a social climber, and was prone to having her "ladies" in for bridge etc.
This one night she didn’t want him to be around embarrassing her, so she told him to stay out as late as he wished, just don’t come in and make another scene.
Well, he came in the back door a little early, as she was preparing tea and some delicate little sandwiches, and was infuriated at his early return home.
"You keep your mouth shut, and go upstairs to bed," she told him.
"Oh, relax," says the husband, "I'll just take a cup of coffee, say good evening to the ladies, and I'll be gone."
"Just keep your mouth shut," says the wife. Well, when she finally went back into the living room, all the ladies were gone, and he sat there alone.
She 'flipped' and told him she was going to divorce him and take everything he had, but he said, "Wait a minute, you have to hear my side of the story. I came in here, sat down, and said good evening to the ladies, and they carried on. One lady said she was having trouble with mice in her house, and another lady suggested she stuff their holes with steel wool, and all I said was, who is going to hold their little legs while you do it?"
|Two guys were talking at work. "I've got a problem," said the first one.|
"What is it?"
"My wife has done it to me again. I'm supposed to buy my mother-in- law a present for her birthday, from the two of us. And, I am fresh out of ideas. I mean, it's HER mother, why can't she buy it?"
"What did you buy her last year?" the other one asked.
"Last year I bought her a VERY EXPENSIVE cemetery plot."
"Hmmmm…, hard to top that one," said the other.
The two guys couldn't come up with anything. So the son-in-law didn't buy his mother-in-law anything for her birthday.
When the big day arrived the next weekend, she was a bit upset. At the family gathering for her birthday, she announced out loud to everyone, "Thank you all for the wonderful gifts. Too bad my daughter and son-in-law weren't so thoughtful!"
Thinking quickly, the son-in-law responded, "Well, you haven't used the gift I gave you last year!"