• Hot water bottle!

    A man worked hard all day digging the garden and felt very stiff and sore.
    His wife fluttered about him, pleased with the amount of work he had done and anxious to get him to do some more.
    "Have a nice soak in the bath and I'll bring you a drink," she suggested smiling.
    "Good idea," says the husband looking forward to being waited on.
    He's in the bath when she comes in with a nice glass of Scotch which he accepts happily.
    "If there's anything else you'd like just call," says the wife as she leaves the bathroom.
    When she got halfway along the landing the husband relaxes completely and lets off an enormous long fart in the bath.
    A few minutes later, despite it being a very warm Summer's evening, the wife comes in with a fluffy bed warmer. "What the heck is that for?" asks the husband snappily.
    "Oh Darling," says the wife, flustered, "I thought I heard you say, "Whataboutahottawaterbottle."
  • The Defendant

    "So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant. "You came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man."
    "That's correct," replies the defendant.
    "Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you took out a pistol and shot your wife, killing her."
    "That's correct," replies the defendant.
    "Then my question to you is," demands the prosecutor, "why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?"
    "It seemed easier," the defendant says, "than shooting a different man every day!"
  • The undertaker!

    A mild mannered man is tired of his wife always bossing him around, so he decides to go to a Psychiatrist.
    The Psychiatrist gives him a booklet on assertive training. He reads it on the way home. When he walks through the door, his wife comes to greet him.
    He tells her, "From now on, I'm the man of this home and my word is law. When I come home from work I want dinner on the table. Now, get upstairs and lay out some clothes on the bed because I'm going out with the guys tonight. Then draw my bath. When I get out of the tub, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
    "The undertaker!!!" she replies.
  • Girlfriend!

    After directory assistance gave Rosy, her boyfriend's new telephone number, she dialed him -- and got a woman.
    "Is Adam there?" Rosy asked.
    "He's in the shower," she responded.
    "Please tell him his girlfriend called," Rosy said and hung up.
    When he didn't return the call, Rosy dialed again. This time a man answered.
    "This is Adam," he said.
    "You're not my boyfriend!" Rosy exclaimed.
    "I know," he replied. "That's what I've been trying to tell my wife for the past half-hour."