• Fiffty Fiffty

    A young man watched as an elderly couple sat down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered just one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the old gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, etc, until each had exactly half.

    Then the old man poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, but his wife just sat watching him.

    The young man felt sorry for them and asked, "I'm sorry to intrude, but would you allow me to purchase another meal for your wife so that you don't have to split your food?"

    The old gentleman said, "Oh, no, thank you. But you see, we've been married a long time, and everything has always been shared, 50/50." The young man said, "Wow! That's commendable." He then turned to the wife and asked, "Aren't you going to eat your share?" The wife replied "Not yet. It's his turn to use the teeth."
  • The Polish Divorce

    After only a year in Canada, a Polish man got married to a nice Canadian girl. They got along quite well until the day he rushed into his lawyer's office and begged him to arrange a quick divorce.

    The lawyer said, "What are the circumstances? Have you any grounds?"

    And the Polish immigrant replied, "Ja, ja, ve've got an acre and a half with a nice little house."

    "No, I mean, what is the foundation of your case?"

    "It's made of concrete."

    "Does either of you have a grudge?"

    "No, but we have a big carport."

    "I mean, what are your relations like?"

    "All my relations are in Poland."

    "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

    "Yes, we have high fidelity stereo and a CD player."

    "No, I mean, does your wife beat you up?"

    "No, I get up before her.` `Is your wife a nagger?"

    "What? No, she's white."

    `Why do you want this divorce anyway?"

    "She's gonna kill me. She's going to poison me."

    "Really? What makes you think so?"

    `I've got proof."

    "What kind of proof?"

    "She brought home a bottle from the drug store that says, 'Polish Remover!'"
  • The Happy Hangover

    Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

    Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

    He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian."

    He stumbles into the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper all waiting for him. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"

    "Well, you came home after 3 in the morning, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

    Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

    His son replies, "Oh THAT! Well, Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,'Leave me alone, I'm married!'"
  • I'll Alter Him

    Newly married Alan goes to meet Father George.

    He greets the priest and says, "Father, I need to talk to you."

    The Priest asks, "Is it a confession, my son ?"

    Alan replies, "No, Father! I need to clarify something."

    The Priest takes Alan to his private chamber and says, "Tell me, Alan. What is it ?"

    Alan asks, "Father, why do the kindest of girls begin their quest to change men after marriage ?"

    The Priest smiles and replied, "Alan, my son, as the bride walks down the long aisle, her brain registers three stimulii. The altar, the choir and the sound of the hymn being sung.
    Aisle, altar, and hymn.
    She becomes mesmerized.
    Aisle, altar, hymn.
    Aisle, altar, hymn.
    Aisle, altar, hymn.

    And finally, as she stops beside the groom, she is already saying to herself - I'LL ALTER HIM."