• Death Sentence

    One day there was a priest sitting in a pew with a very worried and nervous look, and a another priest saw him and wondered what was wrong.

    The second priest thought he should try to help, so he approached his distraught associate and asked him what was wrong. "Well" the first priest said, "have you ever heard of a Freudian Slip?"

    "No," said the other priest.

    "Well" said the first priest, "it's when one slips and says something one is thinking usually when it is the least opportune time."

    "Oh," said the second priest, "so, what happened?"

    "Well, today I performed a wedding and you know the part when you say 'I now pronounce you man and wife'?" asked the first priest.

    "Yes?" said the second priest. "Well that is what I meant to say, and what I actually said was, "I now sentence you to death."
  • We Share Everything

    An elderly couple walk into a fast food restaurant. They order one hamburger, one order of fries and one drink.

    The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half. He places one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counts out the fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placing one pile in front of his wife.

    He takes a sip of the drink, his wife takes a sip and then sets the cup down between them.

    As he begins to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them keep looking over and whispering: That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.

    As the man begins to eat his fries a young man comes to the table. He politely offers to buy another meal for the old couple.

    The old man replies that they`re just fine - they`re just used to sharing everything. The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sits there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

    Again the young man comes over and begs them to let him buy another meal for them.

    This time the old woman says, "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

    As the old man finishes and was wipes his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again comes over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asks, "May I ask what is it you are waiting for?" The old woman answers..., "THE TEETH."
  • The Fortunate Husband

    Husband and wife went shopping to get new dresses for the wife.

    After seeing numerous dresses, she shortlisted around 100 and further brought it down to 25. Out of these, she asked her husband to choose 5 dresses among them. Then she finally picked up one dress. It took 5 hours to finalise one dress.

    The husband settled the bill and commented, "Adam was very lucky because he and Eve used to wear only leaves. He need not have wasted too much of time."

    Ultimate comment of wife, "Who knows how many trees Adam had to climb and finally choose the leaves as per the wish of Eve. You are lucky... you have to just sit in AC shop..." Moral: Never argue with a woman while shopping.
  • Ex-Wife's Revenge

    After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman. The downtown luxury apartment was in his name and he wanted to remain there with his new love so he asked the wife to move out and then he would buy her another place. The wife agreed to this, but asked that she be given 3 days on her own there, to pack up her things. While he was gone, the first day she lovingly put her personal belongings into boxes and crates and suitcases.

    On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their candlelit Dining table, soft music playing in the background, and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle of chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each room and deposited a few of the shrimp and resulting shrimp shells into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

    The husband came back, with his new girl, and all was bliss for the first few days.Then it started to stink, slowly but surely. Clueless, the man could not explain why the place smelled so bad.

    They tried everything; cleaned & mopped and aired the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned, Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in, the carpets were replaced, and on it went.

    Finally, they could take it no more and decided to move. The Moving company arrived and did a very professional packing job, taking everything to their new home. Including the CURTAIN RODS.