• I'll Alter Him

    Newly married Alan goes to meet Father George.

    He greets the priest and says, "Father, I need to talk to you."

    The Priest asks, "Is it a confession, my son ?"

    Alan replies, "No, Father! I need to clarify something."

    The Priest takes Alan to his private chamber and says, "Tell me, Alan. What is it ?"

    Alan asks, "Father, why do the kindest of girls begin their quest to change men after marriage ?"

    The Priest smiles and replied, "Alan, my son, as the bride walks down the long aisle, her brain registers three stimulii. The altar, the choir and the sound of the hymn being sung.
    Aisle, altar, and hymn.
    She becomes mesmerized.
    Aisle, altar, hymn.
    Aisle, altar, hymn.
    Aisle, altar, hymn.

    And finally, as she stops beside the groom, she is already saying to herself - I'LL ALTER HIM."
  • Will I be acquitted?

    In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news:

    "There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

    Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.

    She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know.

    She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"
  • Healthy Lifestyle

    They had been married for sixty years. They were far from rich, but in very good health, due largely to her insistence that they both eat healthy foods and exercise every day. But their good health didn't help them when their plane crashed.

    At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter led them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen, and a waterfall in the master bath. They gasped in astonishment.

    "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home for eternity."

    The man asked, "How much will this cost?"

    "Why, nothing," St. Peter replied. "This is your heavenly reward. And see that championship golf course out your back window? It's included, too; you can play as much as you want, for free." He also showed them the clubhouse, the pool, the lavish meals of every cuisine imaginable. "This is Heaven. Everything is free for you to enjoy."

    The old man glanced nervously at his wife and then asked, "But where are the low fat, low cholesterol foods, the decaffeinated tea, the..."

    St. Peter interrupted. "That's the best part," he said. "You can eat and drink as much as you like, of anything you like, and you'll never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!"

    "No gym to work out at?"

    "Only if you want to."

    "No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..."

    "Never again. Here you just enjoy yourself."

    The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your damned bran muffins! We could have been here twenty years ago!
  • Anniversary Gift

    Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.

    She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

    The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

    Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house.

    She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

    Bob has been missing since Sunday.