• Butterfingers

    Tired from waiting for their overdue baby, a woman and her husband broke the monotony one night with a trip to the movies. She went inside to get seats while he bought popcorn and drinks in the lobby.
    Paying for the refreshments, the father-to-be knocked over his soda. The clerk mopped up the mess and refilled his cup. Rattled, he then joined his wife.

    Talking over the background music, he dramatically described his embarrassing episode. One of his expressive gestures upset the bucket of popcorn. He sheepishly headed back to the lobby.

    When he was out of earshot, the woman sitting next to the mother-to-be turned and said, "You're not going to let him hold the baby, are you?"
  • A Tricky Question

    A man is sitting on his front stoop staring morosely at the ground when his neighbor strolls over. The neighbor tries to start a conversation several times, but the older man barely responds. Finally, the neighbor asks what the problem is.

    "Well," the man says, "I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now I'm in the doghouse."

    "What kind of question?" the neighbor asks.

    "My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly."

    "That's easy," says the neighbor. "You just say, 'Of course I will'."

    "Yeah," says the other man, "that's what I MEANT to say. But what came OUT was, 'Of course I do'."
  • Something Personal

    It was the third day my husband, Joe, had been in the intensive care unit following his fifth surgery for the removal of most of his remaining small intestine. The surgery took many more hours than expected. Joe was older and weaker, and he wasn't responding.

    As I sat beside his bed, two nurses tried repeatedly to get him to cough, open his eyes, move a finger - anything to let them know he could hear them. He didn't respond. I sat praying to God to please help Joe respond - any sign that he might survive.

    Finally, one of the nurses turned to me and suggested that perhaps if she knew something personal about our family, she could try to stimulate his response with that knowledge. She said, "Maybe you, as his daughter, could help us with such information."

    I smiled and said, "I'll be happy to give you personal information, and thank you for the compliment, but I'm his wife of forty-three years, not his daughter, and we're about the same age." The nurse looked at me and said, "The entire staff thought you were his daughter and had even commented how wonderful they thought it was that his daughter was with him all the time."

    As they were expressing how I looked so young, a little cough came from my husband, and we all turned to stare at him. He didn't open his eyes, but loud and clear he said, "She dyes her hair!"
  • The Tea Party

    Mom went shopping, leaving Dad in charge of their daughter. Suzie was about 18 months old and loved playing with her new tea set. Dad was engrossed in the evening news when Suzie brought him a little cup of 'tea' (really just plain water).

    He praised her good 'cooking,' so she brought him more. After several cups of 'tea,' and much praise, Mom came home.

    "Honey, watch this," said Dad and had her wait in the living room as Suzie brought him another cup of tea.

    "Isn't she just the cutest?"

    Mom waited until he had polished off yet another cup of 'tea' before asking, "Did you ever think that the only place a baby can get water is the toilet?!"