• When a Man Cooks!

    When a man volunteers to do the BBQ, the following chain of events is put into motion.

    Routine...
    1) The woman buys the food.
    2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes the dessert.
    3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill, beer in hand.
    4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three-meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.
    v Here comes the important part:
    5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

    More Routine....
    6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
    7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat.

    Important Again:
    8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

    More Routine...
    9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
    10) After eating, the woman clears the table and washes the dishes.
    And most important of all:
    11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
    12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off, and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women....
  • Don't Mess With Your Wife

    After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.

    "Now... We have an $800,000 home, a $65,000 car, a nice big bed and a large-screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 73-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of the bargain."

    My wife is a very reasonable woman.

    She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

    Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.
  • Don't Fart in Bed

    This is a story about a couple that had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and she had to gasp for air.

    Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

    The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then Christmas morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

    She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

    Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting, which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

    About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

    He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."

    "What do you mean?" asked his wife.

    "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."
  • Just Kidding

    After being married for 30 years, a wife asked her husband to describe her...

    He looked at her, for a while and then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K..."

    She asked, "What does that mean?"

    He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.

    She smiled happily, and said, "OH, that's lovely... But what about I, J and K?

    He replied, "I'm Just Kidding...!"
    The swelling to his f*****' eye is going down nicely now, and the doctors are fairly optimistic, about saving his family jewels!!!